Losing my friends

[abby6006]

This is going to make me sound like such a bad person but I need advice so I may as well be honest.

I have no boyfriend/husband and I basically have four close female friends, all are married, the five of us were a group of friends.

Two of them had children 1 & 2 years ago respectively. The remaining two are currently both pregnant and just about ready to pop!

The 2 friends that had kids years ago became distant as their pregnancies went on and I hardly see them anymore, maybe twice a year, if even. We used to see each other nearly every week but try as I might now, they are always busy. I gave up on calls and texts because they just went unanswered or I was told sorry, I'm too busy. I see posts on Instagram of both of them together because they can both do things together with their kids.

Now that my other two friends are pregnant, my whole friendship circle has been effectively wiped out. They go shopping together to get baby stuff, go to baby yoga, go for lunch etc. They also now hardly reply to my messages but I know all about it because it too gets posted on Instagram.

Now I completely understand, they have their own families to worry about and raising children isn't easy. Their families are more important than me and it's exciting to be pregnant and share that with someone. I knew it would be difficult to maintain friendships with them but I thought I could maybe involved in their lives but I just don't get considered anymore because I don't have kids/am not pregnant.

I'm getting old myself (35) and am fairly desperate to have kids but I've been single 4 years.

Basically it's all becoming a bit much and I'm struggling.

Can you offer any advice on how I can play a role in their lives without being a burden? It feels like I'm forcing something they just don't want anymore.

Maybe I should just accept it and move on :(

No no no, it's a stage and it will pass. X

It must be hard to accept that things have changed, but accept it you must, or you risk wasting time and energy which would be far better aimed at yourself and what really makes you happy.

Having children is such a life changing event and whilst you are clearly aware of that, until you do it, you can’t imagine fully how it adds a new slant on priorities.

It’s sad that they’ve made you feel like this, but focus on just yourself and also finding the right partner for you. You seem worth it.

No they are shit friends Xxx

I agree they are shit 'friends'.

I've never dumped my single friends for a man or when I had my sons.

I have a single male friend who only has me that keeps in regular contact. He isn't a drinker and doesn't socialise much but people could text him now and again. I get on really well with him he's very interesting.

I can't stand this I'm alright Jack mentality. Selfish gits.

Join some groups if you fancy any and make new real friends.

It's horrible they are excluding you but it's not an uncommon story. I wouldn't bet things will improve afterwards and think you need to develop some new social circles. Hope you like this poem

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

Thanks everyone and for the poem, I love poetry! I really hoped it would be a phase but given my past experience with the first two friends, I don't think it will be.

We've been friends since school, it's really upsetting. I have tried social things which I guess does help fill my time but it's difficult to develop strong friendships through them as people come and go.

It's so stupid looking back now but I got excited thinking I could babysit for them, I was so foolish.

They may come back into your lives more when they start getting their social lives back eventually. Have you actually offered to babysit as they will probably jump at that once the children aren't tiny babies any longer although, if they do, make sure they are also being friends to you too and not just taking advantage. I think you are just at different stages in your life. I have the same thing in a way as a lot of my friends are still wrangling children whereas mine are grown and flown.

Thanks RaininSummer, an older woman in work (her kids are in uni) did say she wished she had kept in touch with more of her friends as she doesn't have as many now and has lots of free time. Children make you sacrifice a lot!

I feel your pain re losing friends. I am in a similar boat. I had my kids young. Like starting at 19, had 3 by 24 and then went back for one more at 30. I always found time for my friends we went out all the time etc. Now we are 40 they've all started having kids. So they're all really close and I am left out. I never hear from them, I never get responses or calls answered etc. I never felt left out when I was the only one having kids but I sure do now that they all are. I sometimes never get a response from who was my best friend only to finally talk to another one that comments they text and call all the time between each other so clearly my contact is being flat out ignored.

I also finally got hold of a friend who said sorry she hadn't answered for almost 2 weeks Meg had a cold..... First I'd heard that a mum should be out of action for over a week because my child had a cold.

I know we do the whole parenting thing differently and stuff but as someone who has been there, I have 4 kids, and I never ever just disappeared on them for any length of time. In fact I was happy to have a chat or exchange texts for some adult communication while being at home raising kids. I was so excited to hear they were all finally having kids but all it did was end the friendship while they created their own mothers group excluding me.

It's hard to get past.

Thanks Absolom, I'm sorry we are in this boat together!

I've been thinking about what I would do if say in 3 years after hardly any contact one of them tried to get back in touch. I should just forgive and forget but I'm the type of person that thinks, well no, you made no effort why should I let you slink back now, I'm not a doormat! Then I'm hurting myself too really.

I should just forgive and forget but I'm the type of person that thinks, well no, you made no effort why should I let you slink back now, I'm not a doormat! Then I'm hurting myself too really.

This is me!!!! It's true we only hurt ourselves but it's hard to regain the trust in them as friends I guess. I am open to them making the effort once they're over the kid phase, probably when we are mid 50s I guess. But I really don't have the energy myself to make the effort first now. I am suffering alot of anxiety and depression so to feel rejection when I try to reach out doesn't help.

A year ago my daughter was in ICU fighting for her life. My closest friend who was pregnant at the time didn't even bother to contact me once. Not once. Her excuse later was she thought I'd be busy. We were sitting at my daughters bedside while she was on life support with only our phones to communicate with the outside world and she thought I'd not want to at least get a text or something? I am still hurt by that.... I can't see how it can be undone honestly.

Wow I have not said any of this out loud it's great to vent... Sorry to hijack your thread.

No not at all, Absolom, I think we are talking about the same things really though your situation was of much greater importance.

You make a great point, I often think, yes I get you're busy but how long does a text message take? You can't even send me one while you are on the toilet or binging some Netflix show that you half watch anyway?

I did really try to keep in touch, at least to say I'm thinking about them but I just had to preserve my self worth at some point and stop and I can feel the exact same thing happening all over again.

If by some miracle I get married and get pregnant I won't have anyone but my husband to share it with, it makes me sad.

(P.S. I hope your daughter is doing OK).

She is thank you, she had sepsis from an unknown infection but she recovered and has been fine. Thank you for asking.

I too usually try to instigate a conversation by calling or messaging or something and it's so short and sharp if they even respond at all. It gets tiring knowing if you didn't reach out, you wouldn't hear from them.

I do wish you all the best, it's never too late to meet that special someone. I am sure he's out there looking for you as well probably feeling left out by all his married or busy friends :)

Haha yes, I need to him to find me soon!

Is it the case that your friendships were based around going out & drinking before the babies/pregnancy?

Perhaps they think that you wouldn’t be interested in just spending time with them and their babies?

The first years are intense - what about baby showers/christenings/1st Birthdays are you invited to them? - those are the main times I see my friends now & maybe 1 night out a year!

They're just bad friends. Even with kids, I still have time to drop my friends a message saying hi.

Numberwang2019 - way back in uni perhaps but over the last 10 years its been going out for lunch/dinner, cinema, the odd drink, sometimes just watching TV at each others houses, very much casual, either individually or as a larger group.

I did get invited to their kids birthdays and always went because that may be the only time I see them. I've always offered to spend time with them but after a while I just gave up when there was always some reason why not.

@abby I 'lost' two friends when they had kids which coincided with something going well in my life. I thought they'd both be lifetime friends but now firmly have them in season. I have new friends now and don't miss these two at all. I know I'm a fabulous friend so it is their loss

Thanks Ginmel and sorry to hear that, it's tough. At least I know I'm not alone in this. I guess I need to start adopting new friends

It hurt at the time @abby but I can genuinely say I don't care anymore. As the saying goes the opposite of love is indifference.

abby do you have any interests? Hiking walking cycling or even pub quizzes. If you have a nice pub nearby maybe pop in when there's music or something on? I have a great pub I feel comfortable going in alone. It's so friendly. Or find something else sociable to do. Even volunteering beach cleaning or such like.

You need new friends.
I've had a child (21 years ago)
One friend had 2 (18 &13 now)
Another friend has a 4 YO
We are all still best friends.
We don't live close by but we make sure we always make time for each other, with and without the kids in tow.
We are best friends and always will be no matter who has kids and what ages etc....
Time to look on meetup.com and see if there are any hobbies in your area you would be interested in.
These are NOT friends - they are assholes!

I got a bit complacent with hobbies @CuriousMama, we all sort of hung out with no real purpose. I'm trying to develop some now which I guess is a plus to all this!

Wish I had your friends @hellsbellsmelons! Maybe it's my fault, I would have hoped someone would have said something to me if I'd done something wrong.

New beginnings then