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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Found DP sexting what to do..

27 replies

Whenthestormends · 01/09/2019 20:25

This isn’t for me it is for a friend. She and her partner have been together 8 years, have young dc, she doesn’t own the home they live in and she is far from her family and friends without a job however her dp gives her an allowance.

A couple of years ago she found his sending explicit texts to a colleague. The colleague when approached had no idea her partner wasn’t single and when her dp was approached he swore it was all her.. both said nothing physical happened. Her dp said that this was the first time he had done such a thing and wouldn’t happen again, he then proceeded to change all passwords on his phone and also done finger print recognition. Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago someone sends her a social media message to say a few years ago my friends dp was having an affair. Again another old colleague no proof though apart from texts asking to go out for dinner and to ‘chill’. These messages were all before the msgs she originally found. DF has gone on to ask her DP if he had ever sexted someone before the ow she knew about, as she has proof he had, he flat out denied it and said it was a few years ago and she needs to go over it. Now DF feels like she can’t bring up the fact that she knows she had contact with other women before the one she found out about because it was years ago and apart from the texts has no proof of said affair. Now I’ve told her that it doesn’t matter if it was last week or last decade, if he has been unfaithful (and I consider setting unfaithful) and he is still trying to lie about it then she has every right to confront him and also leave him should she wish to.

The man hasn’t been a great partner or father to her children, treated her like a doormat and kept all his devices under lock and key. I say he is probably still doing the same thing now. What do you all think? Does she have the right to confront him even though these messages from years ago or just to let it go?

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30to50FeralHogs · 01/09/2019 20:29

Without any proof he’ll just wriggle out of it. She doesn’t need proof of any wrongdoing to leave him, but even with it she probably won’t, as it sounds like she accepts pretty shitty treatment by him.

The only thing you can do is to be there for her when it inevitably goes tits up. If you slag him off you might end up pushing her away as she’ll feel the need to defend him. Just be a listening ear for her and maybe point her here for some no nonsense advice about getting her ducks in a row.

Windmillwhirl · 01/09/2019 20:36

Could the reference to sexting be the same woman as before?

He sounds horrible at any rate.

As for keeping his phone under lock and key, that could be for many reasons, sexting just being one.

BogglesGoggles · 01/09/2019 20:39

Bloody hell. Why didn’t she get a job when the first incident occurred? She really needs to find a way to provide for herself seeing as she clearly can’t depend on him for anything.

Whenthestormends · 01/09/2019 20:48

@30to50FeralHogs, I do try not to slag him off she has always been there for me and have told her I’m here whatever she decides to do.

@Windmillwhirl no definitely a different woman, different name and number too. Messages just aren’t as graphic and with the other OW or at least from what she has seen which obviously won’t be everything. It’s almost like she needs a reason to leave, every time she says it’s over he does something or says something that changes her mind.

As for her job @bogglesgoggles she had one when the last incident occurred but after dc2 her job couldn’t take her back part time and they couldn’t afford childcare.

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Bluntness100 · 01/09/2019 20:51

Well of course she has rhe right to confront him,

The issue is she doesn't wish to. Because she doesn't want to leave. She's financially reliant on him. It's the same old story. She'd rather put up with it than risk having to leave.

Windmillwhirl · 01/09/2019 20:53

Some people hold on to bad relationships for dear life. The fact he treats her like doormat hasn't made her leave. He'll just talk himself out if this as well if she mentions it.

Hopefully she will realise that the fact she can't even ask him outright is an indicator her relationship is very unhealthy.

Sounds like she has plenty of reasons to leave without or without proof he cheated before the previous sexting.

AgentJohnson · 01/09/2019 21:17

There’s no real point in confronting him because he’s not going to change and she will continue to hide in a unsatisfying relationship.

This is who he is and the waiting for a less sleazy disrespectful version of him isn’t hiding around the corner.

She has sleepwalked into a very vulnerable position and nothing will change for the better until she decides she deserves more.

All you can do is listen and be there for her.

category12 · 01/09/2019 21:20

She needs to get independent and dump his arse.

Whenthestormends · 01/09/2019 21:34

@category12, preach.

Just wish she knew she deserved more. Honestly the fact that she feels she needs a reason other than being unhappy makes me feel sad for her. I think part of the problem is that she does love him and just can’t understand why he isn’t the same

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Bluntness100 · 01/09/2019 21:49

Op, she has no rights to the home. She has no job. She relies on him for money, she has young kids, her familhis far away, is it really hard to work out why she puts up and shuts up?

Whenthestormends · 01/09/2019 21:58

No of course I understand, it’s why I try and not slag him off and let her vent to me. But her Mum has already said she can live with her and that she’d help with getting her a flat etc. I just want her to know there is a way out, it isn’t an easy way but she doesn’t have to be in this miserable relationship.

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youaremysunshine · 01/09/2019 22:55

She just needs ro leave him doesnt she! End of.

Whenthestormends · 02/09/2019 06:56

Pretty much @youaremysunshine but the man child manages to talk her back every time. I just want to show her these messages hoping maybe it gives her some validation to leave his arse. Part of her debate is that she’d have to move closer to her family, some 90 minutes away, so the kids wouldn’t see their dad everyday but Monday - Friday they see him for max half an hour each day and then at the weekend he’d rather watch tv or playing Xbox so what’s the point. And even if he was a great dad is it really worth her left being unhappy

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flumpybear · 02/09/2019 07:17

This situation is exactly why I'd never ever be in a back foot in a relationship - he has the money, the job and she literally has nothing - he's taking advantage of this

I'd bide my time, save up money, get myself a job near my family and get the hell out of there with the children. He's a cheating shit, treats her poorly, gaslighting I suspect and I'd get myself into a stronger position secretively, get legal advice as to what I get from him, get CAB advice as to what I get from the government if needed for support and get myself and children a new home - he's never Going to change, he'd have been open and honest, instead he's changed passwords and finger print excess only - shit head - let these other women have him!

Oh and before I left I'd make sure I could open his phone (finger print using sellotape or when he's asleep etc) and send messages to everyone on his phone (send to all) that he's a cheating arse and any of the many women he's seeing gets this message, get yourself tested and dump him like I am .... he'll get the message when he gets responses from his friends, hopefully you'll be half way to your bee home by then!

Good luck to your friend! (Ps no I've never been cheated on but a couple of my poor friends have and they just got walked over - I couldn't let them do that to me!)

flumpybear · 02/09/2019 07:19

Just noticed her mum said she'd put her up - great - she can do things faster that way!

AmIThough · 02/09/2019 07:35

Has she asked you for help or are you just asking what we think?

You know she should leave him, but if she's not prepared to do so, or hasn't asked for your help, it's not your place to say anything.

She needs a shoulder here so don't try to force her to make a decision if she doesn't want to (even though we all know she's being an idiot).

LizzieSiddal · 02/09/2019 07:35

She should pack up her stuff and go and live with her mum.

It is hard leaving but in the long run she has to think of her dc. Having their mum stay with a lying cheat, is not good for them.

Whenthestormends · 02/09/2019 07:54

@AmIThough she asked me my opinion, I gave it and also said that in my time of need I came here.. even though everyone said the same as my family getting an unbiased view helped. So she asked me to post this hopefully she’ll see she isn’t wrong for wanting to leave

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AmIThough · 02/09/2019 08:02

Ah that's good. She knows what the answer is already if she's asking you to post.

She deserves so so much better.
It doesn't even matter at this point it he cheated or not.
If she believes he's lying, that's a good enough reason to go (not that she even needs a reason).

Ask her if she's happy. If she's not, why's she still there?
I hope she does the right thing.

Whenthestormends · 02/09/2019 12:38

Thanks all i have shown her the messages. Part of the reason DF has not left is because the last time she left she didn’t tell her DP that she had changed the dcs GP (one closer to where they relocated ) he then told DF she had taken ‘his’ kids without his permission and that he couldn’t trust her, DF then agreed to try again as she felt as bad as him and now feels like going back on that promise to try again will add fuel to the fire.

I’ve told her she is allowed to not be with the man, even if he says there are unhappy couples they aren’t every other couple and she doesn’t have to do something because her dp is saying others are 🤦🏽‍♀️

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flumpybear · 02/09/2019 13:00

He can't trust her because she takes his kids without his permission .... I think he lost that one when he started tearing up his own family - stupid man - if she believes that horse manure she needs to grow a backbone!

Whenthestormends · 02/09/2019 13:39

All seems a bit abusive to me on his part.

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lovemenorca · 02/09/2019 13:41

Why are you posting this?

On behalf of your friend? In which case - what’s stopping her joining mumsnet?

hellsbellsmelons · 02/09/2019 13:45

Can she leave and go back to her family?
That would be my advice.
He sounds controlling and vile!
He's not a good dad so what is the point of this?
She needs to get away and get to where family and friends can help and support her.

Whenthestormends · 02/09/2019 13:46

On behalf of my friend PP and she hasn’t said anything is stopping her, just asked me to post for some unbaised views. I’m sure she’ll get her own account

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