Advice on divorce please.

[MG08]

I'm looking for some information and advice please, I know I should speak to a solicitor but just wondered if anyone was able to give any real life experiences.

I'm considering leaving my husband. We have been married for 3 year and have a young child. We also own a house together.

I am just looking for information on how divorce works when you have a child. We both own the house however I pay the mortgage in full myself. Does this have any impact on anything? I wouldn't be able to afford to live there on my own with bills etc, would my husband be responsible for any costs should he move out?

If we sold the house, is it then split equally?

What is the normally access for a father? Would I automatically have our child live with me? Can I refuse overnight visits if he lives with his parents and doesn't have his own home? He also doesn't do much of the parenting now, he'll play with our child but gets very frustrated if she is upset or being mischievous, he cannot settle her at night for longer than 5 minutes because he gets frustrated and slams the door etc. Would this be taken into account, that I had been the main care giver, when taking access into account?

I would most likely divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour, this is due to him not really understanding marriage and putting me very far down his list of priorities, making everyday a constant battle. Can I divorce on those grounds for something like that or does it have to have been that he had an affair or something?

How long does divorce take? My parents are looking to move 200 miles away and I would like to go with them. Can my husband put a stop to this? Either before or after a divorce?

I am still breastfeeding my child, can this have an impact on how long my husband can have her for?

Sorry for all the questions. The thought of being apart from my daughter is making me feel I should stay with him so I don't lose her.

Appreciative of any advice anyone has.

I have no advice but I'm going through a similar thing. 2 DCs though. I hope others come and help

From experience you can limit overnight stays if the child is still breastfeeding as they need to eat obviously.

You should make an appointment to discuss all this with a solicitor, you can get a free consultation with most before fees kick in.

You can definitely cite unreasonable behaviour.

With regards to access, I would caution against his lack of solo housing as a reason to limit access. Try for 50:50 if it's possible, your kids will thank you for it in the long run. If he has support from his family to help him with the kids, and there's no safety risk then I wouldn't push for limited access.

Basically you can push for everything you've said, but that doesn't mean you a) should or b) will get it.

Mediation will be where he will put his case forward and a compromise will have to reached to avoid courts.

It's important to remember the reasons for your divorce have very little impact on custody except if DV and abuse is a factor.

Sorry you're going through this

Sorry you're going through this too Bluewavescrashing. Hope you find any advice helpful.

Thank you for the advice Glosstwit. Can you please explain what 50:50 means in reality? I have no relationship with his family currently and would not be comfortable with them looking after our child. There are no safety implications, but they are toxic people to me and I really cannot deal with not seeing my daughter, it would completely break me. If she expressed her wishes in future of course I could do what she wanted but at this age I need her with me.

My child had no overnight stays until I finished breastfeeding at age almost four.

Agree with most of the above except 50:50 as I think children benefit from having one constant home. EOW is more usual I think, with additional time negotiated for holidays.

And you need to see a solicitor.

Would he want 50/50 anyway?

He could do prohibited steps order to stop you moving away - 200 miles is a long way to take your dd. How do you visualise access working if you did move? It's a long old journey for a small child on a regular basis. Are you expecting him to travel to you every time? It's not really very reasonable. You might end up having to do the travelling yourself as well.

Yes as MoonGeek says EOW is the most common, but more and more parents are moving towards variations of 50/50 where the kid maintains one residence during school hours (so weekday access takes place in main residence). Doesn't seem like that's a possibility given how you feel about him/his family, or your desire to move with your family.

He can put a stop to it as 200miles is pretty far as others have said.

This isn't a reason to stay if you want to go. Your DD won't thank you for being unhappy & you need to show her she doesn't have to accept anything less than the best.

Please, speak to a solicitor & get your ducks in a row.

Thank you for your replies. Sorry what does EOW mean? My parents have said they won't move yet if we seperate but I would still need to move away from here and he would be living down the road. Is there any distance that I could move that I wouldn't have to consult him about?

His parents would fight me for 50:50 I'm sure, more for their own benefit, they believe me and my family are pushing them out and being controlling, this is based on nothing at all. He does about 90:10 at the moment in terms of parenting, can I express this in court? I know I will have to share my DD but after all he and his family have done I can not allow 50:50, and their state of mind really does concern me.

Every other weekend = eow

As for moving away distances, it's how long is a piece of string really - but try thinking about what's fair on the baby to have to travel regularly, and what's reasonable to do as a journey a couple of times a week. How much of a weekend do you think is OK for little kids to spend stuck in a car on the regular?

I think you need to see a solicitor for a RL conversation. He may be a poor father but he's not abusive and therefore you are likely to lose significant amounts of time to him. You need to be cautious also in the approach you take because if it's perceived that you are trying to alienate the child from him then that can be viewed very dimly by courts. Moving 200 miles away would significantly impact on his relationship with the child.

Are you absolutely sure you want to end the marriage?

The child has a right to a relationship with their father. That’s what courts will seek to provide. You can’t have it all your own way.

Little bit of info about parental alienation here link

I would just have a read of that and then look at your posts again to see how your approach could be interpreted. I am NOT saying that's what you want to do, it sounds more like you recognise a status quo BUT divorce can get v nasty and actions can be interpreted very negatively.

Hi OP
I am three years post divorce now. I used a wonderful company whoI found through this site called Amicable. They are non profit making company and were so supportive and professional.

Regards some of your questions:
House/savings/anything in joint names etc is normally 50/50 now days. I earned a lot more than my ex husband through our entire 15 year marriage and used a large chunk of inheritance to buy our last house and he still got 50%

Regards contact, my dd actually ended up going with him, (her choice) and it totally broke my heart but she was a daddy's girl and older so it was her decision and I do have her regularly to stay with me.

I think when it is a baby and you are breast-feeding it would be very different.

Unreasonable behaviour is quite specific and my ex husband was unfaithful multiple times so it was pretty clear cut. If yours does not want a divorce and has not been unfaithful and is just irresponsible and not a good parent you may struggle if he contests the divorce. You could just leave him and wait the two-three years or so and then you can divorce I'm whether he likes it or not? My divorce was very clear cut and uncontested and it still took almost a year just because of court backlogs and procedure.
Hope this helps

I shall give you the difficult advice that you probably need to hear, because it doesn't sound like you are putting your child first in any of this, and you actually do sound quite controlling.

First, it is worth saying that if you are unhappy, and there is truly no way of recovering the marriage, then ending the relationship is the right thing to do. It is conflict, rather than a family separation itself, that damages kids - so growing up in two happy homes is better for a child than growing up in one unhappy home.

However, you will need to get used to the idea that you and your husband are equal parents in the eyes of the law. Your not having much of a relationship with his parents is not a valid reason for limiting the amount of time your child is able to spend with her dad. They are her grandparents, and your husband is just as entitled as you are to exercise his judgement as a parent about who his child spends time with. This is where you do seem pretty controlling, and it sounds like his family may have a point about you pushing them out. Your attitude to preventing your daughter having a meaningful relationship with her grandparents won't fly in court.

Equally, you saying "I really cannot deal with not seeing my daughter" is about you. The court, rightly, only cares about the best interests of the child. I know it is hard being away from your child (all divorced parents miss their kids when they're with the other parent), but you are going to have to put your own feelings to one side, and put the best interests of your child first. There is a wealth of evidence that having a strong relationship with both parents is in a child's best interests. That means spending plenty of time with both. You should never try to prevent that because of your own feelings about missing your child.

Your desire to move 200 miles away is also a concern. That will inevitably have a very detrimental impact on your daughter's relationship with her dad, so again - it doesn't look like you're putting her needs first. In fact, all the above taken together does look like you're trying to undermine the relationship that she can have with her father and her wider family on his side. You need to understand that a court looks on that very unfavourably. They expect both parents to put their own feelings aside, and do what's best for the child.

All of that said, you do have some valid points as well. The most worrying thing you said was that he gets impatient with her and struggles to get her to settle. If that's the case (and if a neutral party would see that the same way, rather than this just being about yor perception), he may need to build up his time gradually, as he gets used to doing more solo parenting. That would fit while you're breastfeeding anyway, as that inevitably creates practical constraints on care arrangements until she is weaned. He might also consider taking a parenting course.

I'd suggest that you should be cancelling any plans to move away, and start working constructively with your husband as co-parents. That means respecting him as an equal parent, and respecting the right of your daughter to have a relationship with her family. All of her family - not just your side.

An agreement to start with your husband having her little and often while you're breastfeeding, building up over time to include overnights l, and ultimately working towards 50/50 if that's practical, or whatever long term split works if 50/50 isn't practical, would be the right way to go.

Thank you for your replies. I want our marriage to work, I have suggested counselling and he says it won't help, so I think he'd accept divorce anyway.

Moving away was a possibility for us as a family anyway, so its not a case of me randomly choosing a place far away and going there for the sake of it. My parents were planning to move there, they are my only form of support so its natural for me to want to have moved too. They have said they wouldn't move now if I end up going through this so therefore I would make arrangements to stay closer to where I am now, I would just rather not live literally down the road for my own benefit of trying to move on. My husbands actions have caused the breakdown of our marriage and I would find it hard to be so close.

I wouldn't prevent my husband seeing DD however I am concerned by his lack of parenting skills. He has never put our DD down for a nap and I always get her off to sleep at bedtime. He has had her once on his own before and he didn't change her nappy at all as he forgot.When she is crying he just keeps saying "come on" to her because he is annoyed, he doesn't try and solve the issue of why she may be crying and what she might need. My DD loves him, of course she does, I want him to spend time with her, I just don't trust his ability to be fully responsible.

My MIL is a narcissist and has made my life extremely difficult and she will effectively get what she wants, her son back. Her reasons for me and my family being controlling are because we have taken him away from her, those were her words.

So work with your husband to get him better at knowing how to settle his daughter.

Once you’ve done a few with him, go out for a short walk and leave him to it more often. If you’re constantly there to fall back on he’ll not change or learn what his DD needs from him. Do it now whilst you’re still living together.

It’s always difficult to judge from a few paragraphs with no other context, but I read your OP and subsequent updates with a similar interpretation as slightlymisplaced did - whether true or not, your posts come across as very much about you and not much about what’s best for DD in the long term.

There's a middle ground between just down the road and 200 miles away. You've got to think of little baby/toddler stuck in the car-seat for how ever long, of them when they're older and all their friends/kids parties/play-dates being at the weekend and having to miss out cos it's Dad's weekend and they're travelling for hours instead - that sort of thing. Personally I'd think half an hour to an hour away max. No idea what a court would rule, but seriously, you've got to think of your dc's interests here, not your own convenience.