Is it normalTo be so disengaged

[Thegreenandgrey]

I’ve had a previous thread about my husband telling me that he didn’t love me anymore and refused marriage counselling.he feels that I have been too critical amd see the worst on him. The truth is that I’ve spent the last16 years nagging him to have a relationship with our children and me when he clearly either wanted to be at work, on his phone or asleep ,getting involved when he was impatient and aggressive towards the kids and completely detached from marriage and family life. It has been one long emotional drain and while sad, I’ve accepted his decision. We will move apart after Christmas and the kids have no idea yet. They didnt even realise he wasn’t talking to any of us for three weeks . So today he came home after a night away, hardly said hello to us and fell asleep on the couch for the afternoon. When he woke he went into his room to go on his phone for a couple of hours. He is now whinging about a sore stomach and I s wearing that woe is me look and I feel so upset with him. This isn’t normal is it? Btw this is his usual Saturday and Sunday .

Why are you waiting till Christmas to split up? Doesn't sound as though the kids will miss him

Why have you stayed with him for so long?

Why wait until xmas? Do it now and give yourself an early Christmas present. Imagine how lovely it will be to wake up on Christmas morning without his grim face spoiling it for you all

I just wanted to give the kids one last really good Christmas and I feel guilty

The DC will pick up that things aren't ok so just get on with it and save them from months of anxiety over what is happening.

He's not going to suddenly engage and become perfect dad for Christmas! He'll do the same as he's done every previous year which I presume is watch you bust your arse doing the happy family Xmas dance, while sleeping and playing on his phone?! They haven't noticed he hasn't spoken for three weeks ffs! Is that a 'really good' Christmas. And don't say last, they'll have brilliant Christmas again. It's not the end of all happiness!

It’s the anxiety they will
Feel when we tell them that’s killing me. I don’t even know what to tell them. I don’t want them to know it was him who called it yet I wanted to give it a try to improve things

If you split up now, there will be time to work towards a Christmas where everyone (i.e you and kids) will be happy. You deserve happiness too, you know. You really do.

Thanks. I know o do. I’m so exhausted from him and yes I have been critical and negative and I shouldn’t have intervened at times but he just can’t seem to communicate with the children. He simply doesn’t talk to us . It has been lonely as hell

If he doesn't talk to you or the kids, why do you think Christmas will be great with him around? He clearly doesn't want to be there, and you will be well shot of him. Get rid of him now and plan a Christmas for yourself and your kids. Do something a bit different, change the routine and be positive about it. Your kids will only be devastated if they feel you are. They will take their cue from you. He sounds like a total waste of space.

I’m not devastated really. I have had awful moments but the kids don’t know. In fact they and some of my friends and family, who have no idea what’s going on, have commented on how relaxed and happy I look . Don’t feel it though

You need to split up now. Have the other Xmas’s with him been really so amazing? What are you waiting for? He’s not spoken to his family for 3 weeks and he’s still dragging you down

well practically we have to sort houses and finances . We have a house that we rent out near the children’s friends and schools so we would have to give notice and he will have to find somewhere too as this house isn’t suitable for him and bills are far too high here . I’m worried about the financial
Side of things. How will we afford to run two houses ? That kind of thing

He doesn’t sound like he would be a great loss, to be honest. He didn’t speak to you or the kids for 3 weeks!

How old are the kids? They must have some idea that it’s not normal for their dad to ignore them. They might not feel anxiety when you tell them. They might be relieved.

If you want your children to have a great Christmas I'll separate now. Your house most be so tense and awful.
Clearly your husband doesn't want to be there and it makes things more difficult.
It's like prolonging the agony.

They will probably be secretly relieved OP. I wouldn't worry that the kids will take it hard as they clearly walk on eggshells as it is and don't have the dad they deserve. Break it off asap and give the kids a good Christmas by yourself. He will bother if he wants to but don't bank on it. He may well become a better father once it's over but I doubt it. Also, going out then spending hours on his phone screams of affair. He's probably had more than one or a long term one and this is why he's the way he is

I feel so guilty though.. it’s a strange one . He says he doesn’t love me because I was critical and found fault in everything he did . But the truth is that he had no interest and had no patience with the kids .i was critical. I hate the way he speaks to the kids.his shouting and swearing at them when they didn’t jump when he asked them to do something . I am possibly full of resentment that o enabled his selfishness and essentially reared the children on my own. He is gone out of the house 13 hours per day and then basically ignores us all when he is not asleep .i have felt such resentment and anger towards him. Now I feel guilty

Your finance issues will be the same whether you split now or at xmas. If you literally can’t afford to live then you should be entitled to government help once he moves out. You may be even be financially better off going by what a lot of people say on here being a single mother. Will he willingly contribute towards the children? I’d start making appointments with citizens advice and the job centre to enquire about any benefits you may be entitled to if you can’t afford to support yourself and your children when he moves out. There doesn’t need to be months of ‘untangling’, start the process now so you can be settled by Xmas instead of dragging it out another year. And I don’t see what you have to be guilty about? Removing yourself and your children from a shit dad/partner?

I work full time And have a good salary. It will be very tight though. He will
Contribute . Thanks for advice

I don’t get the ‘I don’t know how we’ll run two houses comment’. You focus on running your house and your children. He can worry about himself. Going by your op I’m assuming you’ll be the primary care giver of the children. Leave it to him to sort out suitable accommodation of he wants to make the effort to have them

Good luck op. Please don’t leave it though. People who leave it until a certain date months away usually don’t end up doing it. There’ll always be Xmas, new year, birthdays, Easter, holidays, Halloween, school events etc to wait for. If you’re going to do it you’ll do it now. Stop kidding yourself

Thanks for your advice . I’m so bloody sad .

Now you have a chance to be happy. You are doing the right thing.

You are allowed to be sad. You must have had your good times as a couple, even if they were a very long time ago, and you have to let yourself accept that they won't come back.

But. If your worst fault is calling him out on shitty behaviour, then breaking up the marriage is not on you. What was the alternative, stay quiet, let him have his own way and treat you and the children like shit (which it sounds like he does anyway)? Let him go, now. He'll soon find that the world isn't a wonderful place that lets him do exactly as he likes all the time, and you can have a quiet, untroubled life with your children who aren't being ignored all the time.