Marriages that last less than a year

[gh15]

My not so old marriage seems to be falling apart fast... please can people make me feel better about short lived marriages and that there is life after this?

For me the worst part was telling everyone. My advice is make yourself a script.

"John and I are splitting up"
"oh my god!!! Why?! You only just got married omg" etc etc

Get yourself some standard lines
"Im not happy, so we're separating"
"No I'm not OK just now but I'm sure I will be"

And my particular favourite

"I don't really want to discuss the details with you"

I stayed married to 1st Husband for 14 months, but I knew I had made a mistakea few days after the ceremony, but I tried (very hard) but I was the only one trying!!
No sex life (he wasn't interested) oh the relief when he went it was like a burden had been lifted.
5 years after my first wedding I married my now DH 40 years and 4 dc's I am very happy with my lot and glad I gave up on flogging a dead horse!
Life is short as PP's said don't worry what people will say my way to dealt with this was to perfect a deep sniff, a catch in my voice and to mumble "I can't talk about this right now"
Op Good Luck

My marriage to DD1s dad lasted 8 months. I was only 20 and he was abusive. I was a shell of myself and only got married to keep him and my parents happy.
I snapped one night when had disappeared for the weekend (same as he did every weekend, phone turned off) and packed my bags and headed for my parents house.

I worried about what people would think of me, and that they would say I didn’t try hard enough to make the marriage work. Sure enough, some people did say that, but you know what? Fuck em! You only get one precious life and you don’t have to suffer and be miserable when you have the option to break free.

Best and bravest thing I ever did. Life goes on.

Accepting that you need to end it is hard. Actually ending it is hard. Telling people is hard. The separation can be difficult but that depends on each individual situation and whether one person wants to be awkward or nasty about it.

It’s just...... hard. But you can do it.

Just remember your reasons and find the strength within yourself to do what is right for you.

Two friends of mine, one was married for six months and one for three weeks. The six month one they were young and got caught up in the romance and didn't know each other well enough before getting married. The three week one, he had a personality transplant as soon as they were married and she couldn't live with a man like that. I know she was was embarrassed about it all, but everyone who cared for her was just very glad she got out of there as soon as he showed his true colours.

If I knew you then I'd think you were brave for calling time on it as I'd understand what a hard decision it must be so soon after getting married

Even though I totally know it's not right at all it seems impossible to have to tell everyone, and even though he knows things are crap he wouldn't want this.

You don’t have to tell everyone.
First you need to tell him.

Then you need to select 2-3 people to make it real. Your parents, a sibling or best friend. You can ask them to tell others if/when it comes up.

It is also not fair on your DH even in the short term. He needs to accept that you are not compatible - you don’t need to blame each other.

Not one person on here has said stick it out.

Again everyday you stay is for some miss-placed external image around shame.

Never live life in FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) - it is not honest and will eat you up from the inside out.

You can make a swift decision and move on now. Or you can put both of you through months and years of pain, it will turn ugly and toxic and will be the same outcome anyway. He has already started to treat you with contempt. Don’t let it go any further.

Have some dignity for your self and some respect for him and part now with honesty and kindness.

After much soul searching and wondering how I on earth I could face this huge decision since writing this thread, I have left my marriage of only several months. It is heartbreaking and I feel awful, but he agreed it was for the best as we weren't making each other happy and the situation was becoming toxic for us both. I feel so embarrassed about what people might say please tell me it gets better? I feel horrific right now and my heart is breaking for the both of us

Allow yourself some time to grieve for what is gone. It's at times like this you find out who your friends are.

Take one day at a time.

All will be well.

It gets better. I was the one who didn’t want the marriage to end, we was together 11 years and married 13 months when he came home and told me he didn’t love me anymore and hadn’t for 6 months.. he had moved in with someone else 3 months later. It’s been 18 months since it happened, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been and have the most amazing partner of 9 months.. I honestly thought I’d be a broken mess for years and that my life has ended.. now I’m glad he left me as I realised what a sh*t relationship I’d been in for 11 years and how he didn’t make me happy, I just forgot to be happy and only cared about his happiness x

Thanks so much @Missbee90 and I'm so pleased you are happy now. It's incredibly tough but ultimately he wasn't happy unless I was constantly pandering to his needs and I felt I was losing myself. I used to feel so strong and independent before I met him that I want to get back to that place x

Wow. Well done to you - this is the start of the rest of your lives.

Do you have a sense of relief?

This is a really mature emotional decision that you should be proud that you made.

Who have you told - and how did it go?

I say I didn’t want the marriage to end, what I mean is I would never have had the balls to end it, I was always so independent and brave when it was anything to do with anything except him.. like you I was mortified, felt like I needed to give gifts back but now people just joke I had the wrong groom! People will talk, then they’ll get bored zz

Thank you so much @Innishh

I have told my family but they knew I was struggling with the decision once I came clean I was unhappy a few weeks ago. I have told my close friends and they have all been incredibly supportive. It's more people I don't see everyday I am worried about I think.

I feel this is a decision I will not regret and as much as he is hurting I think it is far better for him in the long run to have the opportunity to find someone more suited to him as well. We both deserve happiness and as scary as it is there is no point wasting each other's lives away. I feel very sad about it all but I hope time will heal and pain and guilt I feel x

And yes, I feel a huge sense of relief as I was so unhappy and felt a trapped suffocated feeling, so I know this is the right decision and even he has agreed it is for the best for us both to me happy

So glad to hear how well you're getting on MissBee. I remember reading your threads at the time when it happened to me and it was so helpful having somebody further along in the process. I'm not 10 months out and our house completed this week. I'm fortunate to be able to have bought my own property and I'm so excited for the future (something I thought I'd never say at the time!) x

Please bat that shame away - it is not real or relevant. It is irrational.

Chanel your pride and strength to have done something for both of your long term happiness.

Your immediate family and friends know and are supportive. Who exactly are you worried about enough to feel shame - ? It can’t be anyone close to you - maybe some judgemental bitter old aunt? Seriously it will be old news before tea time. As PP said practice some one liners to close it all down.

Are you still living in the house together?

Thank you, yes I suppose it is those people, and people in work too who sent us wedding cards and gifts etc.

I am moving out today temporarily back to my family's, which is for the best and gives us both space. It's very sad and difficult to leave somewhere you both created if that makes sense so it's a grief for the life I've had that im feeling now too

Op

I left my brief marriage in the 1970's when things were different, and many of my relatives were a bit judgmental.
My immediate family and all my friends (who knew me well) were kind and supportive, so were those who I worked with.
People nowadays are a lot less judgmental and will probably see you as brave and be sympathetic.
Give yourself time to lick your wounds and then just get out there, you have made a brave decision, you will be fine, I'm sure you are worrying needlessly.
Good luck. enjoy and embrace your future!