Not Sure What I Want Anymore

[Idontknowwhattodoforthebest]

Just that really.
Have name changed for privacy reasons.
I feel like I'm living a bit of a lie I don't want anyone knowing in real life as I don't know what I want yet... but part of me wants to leave my husband. We've been together 6 years only married for 1, have 2 DC one of whom is only 6 months old . We used to have the best relationship he was my whole world, yes we had rows but on the whole were so very happy. Until last August when we started building our house. DH runs his own building firm & has been doing the renovations himself. So since last Aug I've been very alone at weekends & have done most of childcare, everything in the house, I had to leave the home when DD was 3 months old for 8 weeks as the home became inhabitable due to the work. I've had no break & been at my wits end at times. And DH has changed so much as a person he's become short tempered, Moody, boring, no enthusiasm other than to do stuff in the house, has let himself go a bit put weight on, moans if he has to get dressed up, like he just can't be arsed anymore! He's had massive financial pressure and physical pressure from the build which I totally appreciate but I miss my DH and the way things were. He's also been shitty toward me at times making digs that he says are jokes regarding money !!! Never has he ever done this before ever!!! I'm just so fed up I wish I could just take the kids and go but don't know where to start. Just want to be happy again.

3 weeks old my DD was, apologies ! So literally was recovering from birth and had to move to my mums who lives on the top floor of a 3rd story flat with no lift!

You are both under a lot of pressure in your lives at the moment so please don't make any hasty decisions. You are both effectively working 7 days a week at the moment no wonder you are both stressed, ratty and he is eating badly. Have you had any holiday at all?

First of all I think you really need to talk to your DH about this and come up with a plan to try and find a bit more time together as a family without letting the house slip too much. Presuming that you fully agreed to this house rennovation and your DH doing it, please try and remember that when you talk.

Sorry didn't want drip feed but didn't want my post to be overly long and tedious. Yes I agreed to the renovations of course but initially we'd planned to start 18 months after our wedding, we started 2 months afterwards! This was pushed forward by DH wanting to get on with it. I went along with it but in hindsight it was a poor choice of time as I had just found out I was pregnant & i spent the whole of winter 'having' to be out of the house heavily pregnant with DS age 3 in tow. I also feel very shit about missing out on bonding time with my baby, always having to be out of the house, tradesmen in and out of our home, it's been a bit of a nightmare. I totally appreciate he's got a lot of pressure on his shoulders, but that's the problem he's not a nice person when he's under pressure & he changes in to someone I don't like. Before we got married last June we were very happy... since the build we have just totally lost sight of what we used to be. To be honest I'm devastated that I feel this way he honestly was the be all and end all to me!
Used to say to him don't think anyone loves each other like we do and now I'm considering ending our marriage.. I feel so upset.

And yes we went on a little Sun Holiday in a caravan park for 5 days and it was like we were back to normal again it was wonderful completely stress free, children were a dream, but within a week of being home things were back to being rubbish again..

When things were good you weren't under pressure. You now have baby and a major home rennovation on the go at the same time. This is not business as usual.

Obviously I'm not you and have experienced your DH, but with a young baby I think you really need to think about leaving over what is a stressful, but temporary situation.

*haven't experienced

Also you didn't say what communication you've had with him about how you are feeling.

If things went back to "normal" on your holiday, then chances are they will when the building work is done. I imagine the stress of doing this work, along with running his business is very hard on you both, but physically very much so on his part. Also, please don't tell him "he's let himself go" - if a woman posted that her DH had told her this on here there would be uproar

I don't mean to be horrible, but up until last Aug DH took better care of himself, he has always looked good and dressed well, but when we have had the rare opportunity to do something together he acts like he can not be bothered to make the effort. I'm also very busy looking after baby and DS as well as keeping on top of the housework trying to keep it habitable (as we're living in the house whilst renovating) taking care of all household admin, doing paperwork for DH business, spending most weekends ALONE with DC. It's been really hard work & very lonely. I know it's a temporary situation but the build is practically building a new house. It won't be complete till at least another 18 months.
I have tried to talk to DH about how I feel but it ends up getting nasty & im made to feel bad as he's 'doing all this for our family' and I'm being 'too sensitive' ...

The point was I still try to look nice for him, even though I'm knackered I try my best but I feel all the romance and happiness has completely gone from the relationship. Literally it's done a 180! I just don't know what to do

How much longer will the renovations take?

The situation you are in is barely telorable but it is not permanent.
Get through it each day at a time.

Your DH can't be bothered with his appearance because he is working 7 days a week, as are you.

He's doing a physically demanding job 7 days a week, no wonder he wants to sit around in comfy clothes when he's finished. I'm not taking away from what you're doing - but combine what you're both up against and I'm not surprised there's no time for "romance" (whatever your version of that is)

OP you seem pretty determined to see the worst in this and are looking to end it. Is there anything you are not telling us?

Around 18 months, possibly longer.
I understand he's tired, but at the moment there's a 'break' from the physical stuff he's able to do at the property. It's other trades that are coming in intermittently.
I'm also tired, doing EVERYTHING for all of us. But I haven't let myself go, not bothered with myself, been miserable on days out, not wanting to make effort to see friends, etc.
It feels like this house has taken over our entire lives, perhaps it's my fault I did not expect the extent of how much it's affected our lives. I can accept things are not going to be all hearts and roses but I'm not prepared to be a verbal punching bag either.
They say you take things out on the people closest, well I'm on the receiving end of that, and it's not nice.

I'm really not... I've tried the past year to ignore, excuse the bickering and digs & put it down to stress, try to look on the bright side, things could be worse etc but it's really got me down I feel very low.

Yes, it sounds like you massively underestimated the impact of this on you. I suspect your DH has as well. You are possible both suffering MH wise because of that. Perhaps s visit to the GP is I order as well as a proper discussion before pulling the trigger on your young family.

You say you a fed up of doing "EVERYTHING" - what do you mean by that? Is your husband's contribution of no value?

By everything I mean, all the cooking the cleaning, the shopping, the chores, the childcare, house admin, business admin, on top of this keeping the house to a liveable standard for 2 young children to inhabit which is a massive slog in itself as I'm having to clean every single day to just be able to have a clear surface to cook a meal...
he has done fantastic I do praise him and tell him how great he's doing. He had a terrible start in life brought up in care he's outdone himself & im so proud of him and tell him so! But in return I get no thanks whatsoever for picking up the slack so he can accomplish his dream of building his dream home.
I feel that me & the kids come last at the moment. He says hurtful things and passes them off as joke ie. perhaps I should earn more money!!! I'm on maternity leave & will be returning to work in November and we have zero childcare so nursery is the only way I can return & both kids being in nursery full time would Cost more than me working full time! He says when I call him up on it it's just a joke he doesn't mean it but why bloody say it , makes me feel like my contribution which is all of the above means fuck all. Perhaps I'm over sensitive.

OP, these are one of those times that fall into the “worse” category when they say “for better, for worse”. It’s the renovations putting the strain on. Don’t make any hasty decisions now.

What hours is he working - average times day to day

He leaves at 6:30am and is home between 4:30-5pm. He usually does business related stuff ie emails phone calls till dinner, then may do house related stuff till 8:30pm ish. This varies day to day some evenings there may be nothing he can do in the house some evenings he'll be busy till 9. There was a time approx 6 months where he worked 7 days a week, because the weekend he dedicated to the house. This now varies for example he only worked in the house till 2pm yesterday and had today off. But today wasn't great because he's very stressed with the financial side of the build, tomorrow being our bill day. Also DS decided to be a PITA so that spoiled the mood somewhat.
I know this is the 'for worse' part but I don't know if I want another 18 months of this. DH doesn't manage his feelings or stress well at all and I get it all guns blazing if he's stressed (he's always been this way not just the past year) he's not violent or anything but he does tend to say mean things (not personal but still hurtful) in the 'heat of the moment' ... and feels shit after & apologises. But I'm a sensitive person I do take things to heart & I deal with things differently to him.
I don't know... I just want my life and husband back. We're supposed to be so happy with our new DD, a wonderful DS, a lovely home (albeit work in progress) in an area we love... I think I'm a bit depressed. I had a painful recovery after birth as well as leaving my home when I needed to be here most... I feel I missed out a lot with early bonding with my baby because of all this & I resent it so much... how can a house take so much from us.