Splitting from partner of 10 years

[Melody83]

Hi , in need of some advice as feeling very overwhelmed 😪
Me and my partner have been together for 10 years we have two DS age 6 and 3 .
We have a joint morgage , not married.
Ive been a stay at home mum , taking care of out children for a couple of years .
Im almost finished training as a TA
My partner pays mortgage , bills , car loan as he is on a good wage .
I provide for everything else , shopping , home, home improvements , sorting of problems with car , kids needs , holidays , birthdays and so on .
My youngest will be starting nursery for a couple of days a week , and school next year . Im hoping to get back into work asap as i have decided the relationship needs to end.
This has been going on for a few years and i have always been open with him about my feelings.
I have tried and tried to make it work , but its just not .
Im like his mother , and thats how i feel .
More like friends , its unfair to him and me as he doesnt get what he needs and niether do I.
Im thinking of our own happiness in the future.
We get on so well , he is like my best friend ans i have said to him there is no rush as we both need to sort were we are at financially and i wouldnt see him struggling to find somewhere and same other way around.
We havnt told kids yet as i dont want to confuse them with him still here at the moment.
I just dont know where to start ?
Im so overwelmed with what im supposed to do next ?
How to get things moving on as i think he would just stay as long as he can , and whilst i said no rush, i told him that we need to have something sorted in next few months.
Im worried about the impact it will have on kids 😥
Is there any support ? Anyone i can talk too ? About our situation? Finances ?
I just feel very overwelmed, and scared to be honest .
I love him to bits , like a best friend but thats what the relationship is , he is a nice guy , but very isolated , dependant , and my spark for any form of intimacy went along time ago .
Its not all been good as he has no patience for kids and wont do anything i ask like diy ,or the up keep of house .
Ive felt like the man of the house for a long time , he never wants to take boys out or do stuff. Im the one that plays football with them , takes them out , organises holidays ive lost myself completely.
So over time it has made me lose physical attraction towards him .
Ive tried to get it back , but its gone .
Had anyone gone through the same ? I just dont know what to do next ?

I'd ask to move this thread to relationships you'll get lots of support there.

Hi OP,

We're so sorry you're having such a tough time. We're going to move this over to relationships for you - but do get in touch with any problems at all.

Hey sorry you're struggling on your own with this. About 4-5 years ago I was the dumpee from a 10 year relationship with 2 children. Our circumstances were very different and it's brilliant to see you being so respectful to him and I hope you're getting some semblence of the same respect back.
I think it's good that you've tried to fix this issue before leaving with children involved if there's no abuse in the relationship and it's also good that you've come tk a decision about what you want. You're already handling this better than most people I've known or heard about.. myself included lol.
It's important now though to start creating some boundaries and agree the process. Set dates that you expect things to be done by, there's a good chamce someone so apathetic at the minute will not do things without this and possibly won't do things by the dates you agree. But these are fair boundaries that you both deserve including you. As nice as you can try to be you are not responsible for him if he doesn't sort out what he needs to for you both to move on. Start planning for yourself and explain tk him clearly what you think you'd like and by when and then discuss it to agree a plan together. I'm sorry I'm not much more help but remember you have a right to move on from this relationship

Your first priority is to sort your finances to ascertain if you can you afford to stay? Your timeline of a few months seems unrealistic if you do not have an independent income.

You are not married and essentially you will be entitled to only child maintenance. If you want to stay in the property you are going to be dependent on him continuing to pay the mortgage and bills as well as paying rent/ mortgage and bills on a second property, is that realist?

What was your career pre children? Can you run a house on a TA’s salary?

Money, money, money - that’s where you start.

No advice unfortunately as I could have written this exact post myself, I’m in the same boat at the moment. Just didn’t want to read and run, big hugs.

Going through this, right now. Have a google of Parenting Marriage online and see what you think? It's what we're trying for now. The children are our priority and neither of us want to miss Christmas/birthday/bedtimes as much as possible. We work well together as a team for them. Just nothing left of the relationship, for what sounds like similar reasons. Good luck to you, OP (and those in the same boat) x

Big hugs to you too , its really tough xx

Yes you are right , finances are a priority first .
I worked as a registered LD nurse , the pressures of the job was too much , and one of my children has health problems so i no longer could continue or cope doing that role.
So i can only work part time .
I have fibromyalgia and anxiety so been working hard on getting myself well , and sorting out things in my life that have been making me worse.
This relationship is one of them .
He is a kind and a supportive partner and regardless of what is happening i know we will be able to work as a team .
But yes , sorting out finances is priority and maybe a few months may be unrealistic .
Suppose sometimes you can just feel alone , and wanted some advice how other people have felt in similar a situation .
And what the outcome has been .
He has said he is happy for me and kids to stay in home and he wants to work out finances together, i really appreciate him for that .
He is my best friend , and its such a sad situation for children and the both of us 😪

Honestly OP, I would get some legal advice to start with as you can't rely on him financially supporting you long term, whatever he says now. He may meet someone else and want to buy a home with them and can't if he is still tied to you. You need to know where you will stand if he suddenly decides he wants equity from the house in six months etc.

That then let's you decide how you approach anything. You will only get child maintenance so work out if you can claim anything on top and how many hours you will need to work etc.

I think sometimes getting all that sorted out gives you space to deal with the emotional side of things. Good luck!