Help me get my head around why I should be going through CMS for support

[Fonduefrolics]

I’m hoping some of the MN vipers can help me get a grip when it comes to child support.

I think I’ve some ‘issues’ around child support. When I split with my eldest child’s ex he told me I wasn’t to go to the CSA, if I did he would quit working and not look to work again until child was over 18. Unfortunately for him, at the time if you made an application for Income Support they also made you apply to CSA. I was scared of his reaction but applied anyways and received £5 per week - the maximum amount that they would take from someone unemployed (and yes, whether it was deliberate or not, he left his job and remains to this day on benefits)

So that’s the background I probably have very low expectations of what a father will pay based on my own experience. My first relationship was abusive, dealing with my ex caused me anxiety so I never asked for any money other than the fiver I got through CSA.

My husband and I split last year. He told me he wasn’t going to be like my ex and he’d be supportive money wise and that they’re be no need to go through official means. It all went well for about 2 months then he lost his job. Then he got another, then lost it, then became homeless for a while. I’m not an unreasonable person, I couldn’t exactly demand money that wasn’t there out of principle? I work full time and receive child benefit and tax credits.

Now my husband is more settled, he has a flat of his own and works full time. I raised the issue again (being the soft shite I am I told him I wouldn’t ask for money out of his first wages but after that I’d need money)

And so it goes like this...I’m promised money, something will come up, he can’t pay, he deserves to treat himself, he’s got rent to pay, don’t go through CMS, I’ll ask, I feel bad, I’ll threaten official means etc I get some money. For 6 months I didn’t get anything at all, he gave me £150 in June and that’s all I’ve had since October last year. In June I told him he would need to give me money for school uniform, I bought what I could out of July’s pay but I’ve had nothing. So my August pay is going on uniforms too. It’s going to be stressful for me and my child to go shopping in September for school shoes and pants etc. I asked the other day if he’d been paid he said no but my child told me he’d been and bought an x box game.

I think a little part of me worries about going through CMS because he’s going to be pissed off. He’s also in a lot of debt due to poor money management. I am demanding money out of principle ?? I’m on full time wages like him but I get the benefits too? My head is messed up when it comes to this issue. Sorry it’s long and thank you for getting through this.

(I can also appreciate that it’s a mild form of financial abuse to make me ask for money that I’m entitled to and I feel belittled to have to ask)

Would it help if you reframed it? Child support is supposed to ensure the NRP makes a financial contribution to their child. Its supposed to support the child. And though it doesn't make a difference to whether you should claim or not it sounds like you need that money to cover your child's needs. His DF is working, if he can afford more than the bare necessities for himself he should be contributing to his son's financial wellbeing. If he has money for games he has money for CS. He should be putting his DS need for uniforms before buying things be wants, not needs for himself. He's choosing not to put his DS first. You can right some of that inequality by applying to CS.

It's so sad that so many fathers would rather spend money on anything other than their own children. How does him, "treating himself" come before the needs of his child? You have a full time job and don't keep losing it, that has nothing to do with his responsibilities. Your child requires feeding, housing, uniforms, experiences... He's the bloody father, of course he should pay towards it. More importantly he should WANT to pay for it. How about suggesting if he won't pay anything, then he should go exactly 50/50 on custody and somehow make uniforms and clothes appear out of thin air, seeing as he clearly thinks they don't require money to pay for. Tell him you want to treat yourself and the boiler broke this month, so you won't be feeding his child and see if he gets the point. What a dickhead. This sucks, go through CMS.

CSA not CMS

Or is it? I don't know, point is he's a wanker and just do it.

Ask them to sort it.
Tell him he lied
Tell him should you let your child starve when he is on daddy time, as both of your are this child's parents.

Thanks for the replies.

@BarleyBreathing I probably do need to reframe it. Thank you.

@mummmy2017 My child doesn’t starve when they’re at daddies because daddy asks child to raid mummy’s cupboard and freezer to take food round to daddies.

I need to get angry and woman up don’t I?

@Flamingnora123 thing is I do treat myself. I do go out but that’s after making sure my bills are paid first and a proportion goes on debts. I do spend time and money on experiences for my child, feed her, clothe her, work around her needs. I suppose the way things are with his money and his debts is he wouldn’t have any money spare if he paid what he should be paying.

He has money for his own treats.
He will have to go without then...

Go to the cms. You do not know why is coming down the line. Let them sort it. Don't even discuss it with him. He has had the opportunity to do the right thing and not stepped up.

This is support for your children. If you don't use it save it for them.

That's what CSA is for, support for children

No need to feel guilty

Make the application

This money is for your child not you. Why do you think you have a right to decide your child does not get what she should? CMS does not cover a fair share of the costs anyway IMHO so your ex is still getting a bargain in terms of your child rearing. Do it and please don’t feel guilty!