So here is my background story, I am hoping for some advice especially from anyone who has been through the same, please let me know if I am being selfish or unreasonable in any way. My goal is to improve my relationship, not end it.
So, my wife and I have been together for 8 years, we have been very busy during those years.. 2 kids, marriage (just celebrated our 5 year anniversary) , 2 houses and multiple deployments in the military for myself.
I have, (for the first time since we have been together) had a couple of years at a uk base near my home, meaning I am home every evening. I have approx 2 years left on base before I am due to go away again. We have got to the stage where myself and my wife are itching for me to go away again. We love each other but we have had our routines for the last 6 or so years together and me being home is struggling to fit into this routine. I get in the way basically lol.
I love my daughters so much and cant bare the thought of not being there for them. I dont want to become a weekend dad!
My wife and I have always had an ok sex life, not amazing (we both hold back on our true desires, we have discussed this before but we are both fairly shy people). I know she would love me to have a more athletic body, but since I got comfortable I have let myself go a bit, albeit still in good enough shape to pass my fitness tests at work.
I didnt have much sexual experience when we met, in fact I have only been with one other person before her. She has been with other men before we met, most were not good relationships. Whenever she goes out she gets attention from men, most of her friend group from university are men. When I go out, its extremely rare that I would interact with many women, like I said I am fairly shy. I however trust her 100% as she really is a great person.
My wife and I havent had sex in over a year. I have a high sexual appetite, but we decided we didnt want any more kids. I really struggle with condoms and they hurt me to wear them sometimes. So we decided to abstain while I waited for a vasectomy (the vasectomy is something I wasnt keen on but I did it for the family).
I have had the vasectomy and the results thereafter to state that I can no longer have children. I thought we would be back to having regular sex, however she has now stated she has no sexual appetite at all and the very thought of having sex makes her feel sick. She cannot even masturbate at the moment. I find myself masterbating every night (very boring and mundane). I use pornography for this which my wife is well aware of and is fine with. But she hates to see what sort of things I masterbate to (typical pornstar look) , she really struggles with body image even though she looks great and has never been physically fitter in her life.
She has serious sexual issues based on her previous relationships (violent ex's, abused when she was 11 by a almost 30 year old).
I understand her issues and try my best not to pester her with sex, I have suggested she goes to councilling to discuss the issues and her past. She however refuses to in the next couple of years because she is looking to apply for a high profile job when she finishes university, she would undergo rigid security checks and doesnt want any record of visiting a therapist in case it hampers her chances.
The problem I have been having (I am sure I will be crucified for this!)
Approx 2 days ago, I was working at an event (I work at weddings in the evenings and weekends to make some extra money for our family while my wife goes through university). I met a guest at a wedding around 7 years my junior (I am 31), she was very attractive, flirty and fun. She was married and her husband seemed very laid back about the whole thing and was happy with how she was behaving around me. I stayed proffesional while working. She asked me to add her on social media when I got home.
My first mistake... I did.
I told my wife all about it and we had a laugh, she wasnt happy about me adding her on social media (which I completely understand) and asked me to delete the friend request.
My next mistake... I didnt.
The girl has since contacted me and asked me to meet her for a drink sometime, to which I was polite and told her I would next time I am in the area.
I still have her profile on my social media, which my wife is unaware of. (only a matter of time before ahe finds out, I couldnt lie to her even if I wanted to!)... I dont want to anyway.
The issue is I dont want to cheat on my wife, I love her so much. I dont know why I feel compelled to not delete this girl. I know I would be annoyed if the shoe was on the other foot and she did this.
Maybe its...
- My lack of experimenting before meeting my wife
-The fact that I really like the attention (whoch my wife gets when out but I never normally do)
- The fact my wife and I havent had sex in over a year.
-The fact my wife is unlikely to get any sexual appetite back any time soon.
I dont really know what it is I am looking for in the way of responses to this post. I think I just needed to get things off my chest. If anyone has any advice or has been through anything similar it would be great to hear your experiences and advice.
Thanks in advance.
P