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Original poster

Would you enforce the other parent’s punishment?

29 replies

Numberwang2019 · 01/09/2019 05:33

My DS (8) is with his Dad this week and he has text me to ask if I will take the internet off him this week.

In order to give some context we are waiting on a ASD assessment for him and he is prone to angry outbursts (more so with his Dad than me).

OP posts:

Bobbins19 · 01/09/2019 05:52

Yes definitely- don't undermine his father - if your ds knows that you have no respect for his dad then neither will he

Berthatydfil · 01/09/2019 05:54

Not without more information.

snitzelvoncrumb · 01/09/2019 05:55

I think it depends on if you this dad is being fair, and if dad has unreasonable expectations.

ShippingNews · 01/09/2019 05:56

Yes, of course. Your son needs continuity , especially if he has outbursts of bad behaviour. It would be pointless for his father to instigate a punishment and then for you to ignore it. DS would soon figure out that he could play both of you off against each other.

daisychain01 · 01/09/2019 05:57

It's your choice how you parent your child when he is with you.

If your child is being reasonably behaved (despite potential ASD future diagnosis) when he is in your care, it would be very confusing to him why he was being punished. Also based on my personal experience, children find ways of adapting to a change in household by flipping into Dad-mode or Mum-mode depending where they are staying so it's yet another challenge for your poor child to have to navigate at a tender age.

How long does your ex expect you to ban him from internet usage anyway. These punishments should be short and sharp to address an immediate episode of bad behaviour, if your son has ongoing behavioural issues, is the elongated punishment going to change anything? I don't think it will.

It depends on whether you know fully what the problem was and "parenting by text" for this sort of thing is imo inadequate. It needs a proper conversation and agreement. It also requires proper conversations with your child so he fully understands the reason for what is being done.

wonderwhat · 01/09/2019 06:07

Depends on what he did. What’s the punishment for? If he smashed up a computer in a rage then yep the internet stays off but if he was rude to his dad then that’s the punishment to be sorted between them. He gets a clean slate when he gets home. Carrying on a punishment in a different house surely needs to be reserved for big behaviour issues. What did he do? We can’t really advise until we know what happened.

KatherineJaneway · 01/09/2019 06:09

Yes I would.

finn1020 · 01/09/2019 06:16

Depends what he did and if you agree with the punishment.

If it’s subjective then no I wouldn’t enforce something like that as you’ll be the one who has to put up with the whiny tantrums about no internet. He’s plenty old enough to know that the lack of internet will be the next week he’s at his dads. That doesn’t have to be you undermining his fathers parenting, he’ll still get punished.

However if it’s without a doubt serious bad behaviour and you agree that’s an appropriate punishment for it then yes I would. But if he behaves ok with you but not at his dads then that’s up to his dad to adjust his parenting style and manage your sons behaviour without it impacting on your time with your son.

Eslteacher06 · 01/09/2019 06:26

I'd follow what the father said because you'll end up with him playing you off against eachother. Regardless of what condition he has. Plus issues with you communicating with the ex.

Original poster

Numberwang2019 · 01/09/2019 06:34

I’ll be seeing him tomorrow morning so I’ll get more info about why what happened - when I asked him over text he said he’s had outbursts ‘at times’.

I feel a week without internet especially on the first week back at school when he’ll need a bit of down time is a bit much for him no matter what has happened, it happened at least yesterday which means already 2 days of punishments there.

OP posts:

PonderingPanda · 01/09/2019 06:50

So his outbursts are probably ASD related.

My ASD son's behaviour would deteriorate as the holidays ended and the anxiety of returning to school would start building.

ALoadOfTwaddle · 01/09/2019 07:07

I'd have said consequences for behaviour at his dad's should take place only at his dad's and vice versa. But beware that he may take the same stance with consequences you give. Consequences given in response to behaviour at school should be mutually agreed and carried out at both houses.

Monty27 · 01/09/2019 07:10

Has the df given ds access to internet?

SD1978 · 01/09/2019 07:27

Would you expect his dad to support you? I would say you need more information, but personally- I would probably support the other parent- within reason I think it's important for kids to know that there is consistency and support between both parents.

snowbear66 · 01/09/2019 07:41

No, if he’s had an angry outburst at his dads house then he should be punished there.
I’m another one who thinks that a week is too long-provided they haven’t done something really terrible, and I’m not sure by the end of the week that they would even remember what they’d done.
I’m a single parent and it can be hard. To have to enforce punishments when you weren’t even there to judge how the situation was handled doesn’t seem fair on you -it’s difficult enough.
Maybe if you get him to write an apology letter or something so that he could win it back might be a compromise.

crazyhead · 01/09/2019 08:11

I would probably follow through on this occasion but ask for a chat with your ex about strategies for the future. It’s not a cruel punishment, just maybe a little much. It’s good you are your ex are in dialogue and I wouldn‘t want to quash that!

Pinktulipsarethebest · 01/09/2019 08:14

Plenty other ways to have "down time"!

Lindy2 · 01/09/2019 08:29

His father should ensure any punishment he gives is one he can carry through himself while your son is with him. A week of no internet seems excessive especially as he can't seem to tell you exactly what your son has done other than some angry outbursts.

Your son may well have ASD, he is about to go back to school and is almost certainly very emotional. The angry outbursts are him showing his emotions and they are emotions he struggles to control because of ASD. The outbursts may well not be his choice or controllable.

My daughter has ADHD with ASD traits and get very emotional at times. She will be angry at some point most days and is very highly strung right now because of nerves about starting a new school. I don't punish her for her emotions that she struggles to deal with because of her neurological condition. I talk to her and reassure her instead.

Punishment are for deliberate bad behaviour not emotional feelings.

If your son is like my daughter at all screen time is needed by you and him as respite time and time to destress. No internet would be a punishment for the whole household here as my daughter would be very emotional about it and cause havoc to everyone. There must be much better, shorter sanctions that your ex could use that he can follow through himself.

People seem to be replying here without experience of SEN. Parenting ASD children is different. A child with ASD can not behave the same as a non ASD child. End of.

Hopefully when you get your diagnosis you will also be offered some parenting support and help with strategies for dealing with your son's emotions and outbursts.

keepingbees · 01/09/2019 08:43

I wouldn't punish asd meltdowns no. It's not being naughty, its not a tantrum, it's sensory over stimulation and is not the child's fault.
I think punishment of any kind should be dealt with at the time of the 'crime.'

happytoday73 · 01/09/2019 08:45

Will you expect your x to enforce your punishments? If yes it needs to work both ways. Consistency of message is also important

Saywhen · 01/09/2019 08:51

I would want to support him but I couldn't go along with a week at 8. It's a meaningless consequence because it's too long for his age. His asd assessment is another concern that it is not appropriate.
But I would want to talk it through to plan through how you can not undermine him. Personally I think hes setting you up by giving you unrealistic consequences to uphold.

EmmiJay · 01/09/2019 09:00

Unless DS has done something physical like biting or punching his father, a week long punishment is harsh I feel. I can only do a day at most punishment (removing tablet) for my DD who has ASD. Because the next day its like they reset and you'll have to explain their behaviour all over again which I'm sure builds up the anxiety and starts them acting up again. Its such a fine balance to keeping the peace.

BendingSpoons · 01/09/2019 09:07

Can you give him a way to earn back the privilege? That way you aren't just ignoring the punishment.

user1493413286 · 01/09/2019 09:16

I think this is a tricky area; in theory if your ex wants you to enforce his punishment then he should talk to you about it before he implements it as if you then disagree with the consequence you’re in a difficult situation.
At 8 I would have thought a couple of days without internet would have been a sufficient punishment.
I’ve seen that with DSD her mum will often escalate misbehaviour such as when there’s back chat and it ends in a big punishment whereas we deal with it differently and it’s dealt with then and there. For us we then don’t feel we should have to follow through on the punishment as we disagree with how it was dealt with. DH will always talk to DSD about any bad behaviour her mum tells him about though. When there’s been bigger things and she’s had her phone taken away then we keep to that as her mum will have talked to DH about it.

pointythings · 01/09/2019 09:36

I think it depends on what happens and on whether your ex has been prone to punishing excessively. Only you can know that.

I also think a week is too long, unless for major breakages or physical violence.

My late H was prone to excessive and draconian punishments and we clashed about it a lot. I did get accused of undermining him but tough shit, he was being massively OTT. It's just the three of us now and it's amazing how little strife there is in the house.

You and you ex need to talk about parenting strategies, but ultimately you have to judge what is best for your son when he is at home with you.

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