Broken up with a probable narcissist, hand hold needed

[madeofstarlight]

Hi guys, just looking to vent/ get a bit of a hand hold

Some of you might remember I posted in June about an incident with my bf and a few people pointed out that from my description of his behaviour he sounded like a covert narcissist. I had a feeling that was correct and knew that I should end things but he reeled my back in. Unsurprisingly, things went tits up again tonight and I've ended things.

So, we'd been having a nice lazy day today and TMI Warning we started to DTD but he couldn't keep his erection which hasn't happened before so I asked if he was okay and if he just wasn't feeling it. He went on to say he had a lot on his mind (news to me, he'd been totally normal all day) and when I asked what he reluctantly said that a few hours previously he'd had a message to say that a family member had gone missing. I asked why he didn't say anything and he said he didn't know. I tried to ask about the family member and see if he was ok but after a few mumbled answers he lay down and stopped speaking to me. The more I thought about it, the stranger it seemed as we've been going out for the best part of a year and I can't imagine not mentioning it if I'd had news like that, especially if he was sitting next to me when I got the message. When I asked him why he didn't feel like he could confide in me he jumped up and started getting his shoes on to leave.

He is completely incapable of having a conversation if it involves any question of his behaviour, no matter how nicely it's put or if it's out of a place of concern like tonight was. He just shuts down and starts saying I'm horrible to him but I really don't think I am, I never shout or swear at him and always try to keep the situation calm and it's him that explodes. He kept saying "I just needed a bit of support" even though he hadn't even told me anything was wrong in the first place and I would have loved to have supported him if he'd given me the chance.

This is really common, whenever we have any sort of disagreement or I mention something that's bothered me he always seems to be going through some sort of emotional issue (anxiety/depression/hard time at work/stress/family problems etc) that he's never previously mentioned then tells me I've been unsupportive for having a go at him during this tough time that I've had absolutely no idea about

He's always having a pity party for himself and everyone's always horrible to him and doesn't understand him and his life is much harder than everyone else's (it isn't!) and tonight I just knew I couldn't take one more second of it. So, when he started storming about getting his bag and shoes I told him if he left my house in a huff without having an adult discussion, he was never to come back but he carried on getting ready to leave, while muttering under his breath that I'm unsupportive and nasty. So I told him I want to be in a relationship where we can mutually confide in each other and talk openly and that clearly isn't what we have. So I made him take all of his spare clothes he keeps here away with him.

I don't know if he is a covert narcissist or just emotionally stunted and unable to deal with emotions or just very immature but whatever it is, I don't know how to cope with it. I'm tired of walking on eggshells wondering if I'm going to accidentally offend him or hurt his feelings. And I'm exhausted from worrying that if we argue he'll leave and not come back so I decided I had to take that power away from him. It's become clear that no matter how much I soften myself down, he'll still take anything I say as an attack and shut down and if you can't have a discussion, what's the bloody point?

Sorry this has been so long and rambley, I just had to get my thoughts down while I'm still angry because I know tomorrow I'll probably feel sad and will have the rose coloured glasses on! It's a real shame because on so many levels we were a good match.

He sounds like a spoilt manchild - I don't know why you are with him. The bad sex would put me off for a start - Does he view porn at all? because losing an erection can be a sign of someone who is addicted to porn.

@Jesaminecollins that was the first time it had ever happened, we've always had a great sex life so that's why I asked if everything was okay with him. Not sure if he was embarrassed about it and that's why he shut down tonight but I would never have made him feel bad about it, one off day in just under a year is good going I reckon!

I think you've done the right thing. His behaviour will only get worse. Don't let him reel you in again.

Thanks @greentheme23, I know I just need to remember my reasons for ending it when he tries.

I applaud you. I wish I’d done the same thing with my now husband. He is exactly like this and it was always tricky but I ignored it. Being married to a man like this is stressful and lonely. You can’t ever win and you will be gaslighted and called crazy and every single argument will be your fault. Somebody like this can’t be reasoned with. Find yourself somebody you can have a proper conversation with. Don’t end up like me!

this is exactly how my husband is after 20 years !! does he put you down, does he try to be superior?
I've been trying to have an adult convrsation about any issues for 20 + years and, like you, he gets angry or walks out rather than discuss anything. If he has narcissistic traits he also can't handle criticism (re ED). Check out NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). Sad to say he isn't able to change and, like me, you'll end up spending many years as you have been i.e. treading on eggshells. x

I think in your gut you know the relationship is not good for you. But unlike other people you have acted on your gut and taken back your power. Well done. Don't relent or you will end up in the same position as some PPs.

So do you suspect that the 'missing family member' wasn't real? That he was pretending to have a 'real issue' to deflect from his loss of erection? It sounds like it might be the kind of thing he does every time you try to raise something that's upsetting you - inventing a big problem so that he can pretend that's what it's really about and you are unsupportive, rather than addressing that it's him that might be at fault.

He sounds like a bit of a shit actually. And yes, he might look a good match for you on paper, but a man that won't talk about anything personal (even going to the extent of blaming you for not being supportive about something you didn't even know you were supposed to be supportive ABOUT) isn't a good match for anyone.

Wow. He sounds like the double of my ex. EX

When you two get to a point where you have a serious situation that could break your relationship, it won't get fixed because of his inability to face his emotions, and then you'll break up anyway. What's worse is you'll be left with no closure.

He will never be able to have a successful relationship because of this.

Leave. And whatever you do, don't have a child with him as it'll be a nightmare.

Sorry, just realised you've left him. Well done! You won't regret it in the long run. 😊❤

Good on ya. I'd suspect the missing family member thing wasn't even real considering his history of making excuses in the moment that seem to come completely out of the blue. Of course he wouldn't want to discuss them, because the more you discuss a lie, the easier it is to get caught out.

Like you said too, normal people discuss their issues with their partner. If he's calling you horrible and nasty for just wanting that, he isn't quite right in the head. Not to mention, toxic.

Block him on everything so its harder to real you back in. Maybe vary your timetable a bit too for a while if pos, so he can catch you coming and going. Youve ended it and dont let him try convince you he deserves anything else.

*can't catch

That does sound like textbook narcissistic behaviour. Behaviour you only realise is classic after you go through it, look back and work it out.

My ex narc would do that too where he would say/do something which you then question (and over time your questioning becomes softer and softer in tone to try and not be accused of being aggressive.) He then does not like being called out on his behaviour/mood/actions and would cleverly twist it around to make it sound like you are being horrible/unsupportive so it all becomes about how you are behaving towards him.

He then either storms off/goes out and later will tell either you or his friends/family how you just "turned" on him (again) when he was "upset" and wasn't supportive and how he "begged you to stop" but you wouldn't listen so he had to storm out.

Translated to a normal person what actually happened was he said or did something you found odd or unacceptable, you asked him about it, he then makes up some story of woe or ignores what you actually asked and asks you why you are being horrible. You then try and explain but it gets more and more twisted by him. At this point the focus becomes on you and how you are being horrible or unsupportive and how you are "hurting his feelings." You then get annoyed at the whole ridiculous situation and start to get annoyed which is when he will claim he "begged you to stop but you just didn't listen" so like a child he stormed out because he can't handle an adult conversation.

Glad you are rid of him!

Thank you all for the thoughtful replies! It's made me feel so much more secure in my decision. It's got to the point where I was always wondering if I had been out of order even when I know in my heart I'd been as nice as I could have been. I'm a fiery person, and I feel like he had started to dampen that and make me unsure of myself.

I think the missing family member could be legit but it doesn't really matter as I think he hasn't learned to handle or talk about anything emotional and shuts down so when I try and speak to him (like a normal person) he deflects or blows up. Which I know is something I can't handle and I'm only 25 so there's no reason for me to force myself to try, I suppose! I have tried my best to make things work but it's impossible when he keeps changing the goal posts. I can't live my life frightened he'll leave me and have to wonder how will he react if we have children who do actually throw things back in his face. The image I'm getting is not what I want for myself.

Haven't heard from him today, he'll probably be sitting waiting for my call to apologise for my bad behaviour but he'll be sorely disappointed this time, I'm afraid! My reactions obviously feed something in him and I won't be giving him the satisfaction this time!

And he probably will be telling his friends I turned on him and I actually said that to him last night and said that if they knew the reality they would be telling him he was in the wrong! However, it doesn't matter as I know I've handled myself as best as I could and can walk away with a clear conscience.

The funny thing is when I went on my first date with him I wasn't sure and told my friend he was 'too nice' which she rubbished. But I remember telling her I had a weird feeling it was "sinister" and that he would turn on me. Which is exactly what's happened, he's pulled back the niceness so gradually that it was never obvious, which left me feeling insecure which is not like me. Really strange as I've never had any experience with this type of thing but my gut obviously picked up on something loud and clear, I won't ignore myself next time.