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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

TW/ I know my DP just raped me so why don't I want things to be over

26 replies

SmellBeforeRain · 01/09/2019 02:06

A lot of you won't believe this has all happened in one evening.

Background is Been together 6.5 years have a 3.5 year old daughter and my SDD EWO.
We have been living separate for about two months now as living with his parents (for 4 years) while he's paying off his debt (gained from family court) all become to much for me being a young family stuck in to bed rooms. Ect ect
Two weeks ago I found out my DP has kissed and been messaging a woman from work. I found while using his iPad (connected to his phone) and saw an incriminating message. He admitted, said he'd stop messaging her, we'd move on and seek counciling ect ect

Saying at his house for the week while we had stepDD she went home this morning and I'm staying tonight with our dd.
I'll put this out here now I do enjoy some rough sex, and so does DP and I know this doesn't make things right.

and so it begins..

Tonight we were just cuddling on the bed watching tv DP Had drank 4 cans of beer and 3/4 of a bottle of whiskey.. I'd had maybe 3 drinks of coke and spirit.

We started having sex rough but not out of the ordinary, and then he gets rougher and rougher pushing my head down to far.. pulling my hair much to much, punching me across the face and in the ribs commanding me what to do (this all isn't particularly a new thing for him to try and get me to do but usually I can 'tap out' so to speak) , I was out of my comfort zone but prepared to go along with it.

I faked coming hoping this would speed him up. I was led on my back with him on top of me (me 8st, him 16st) he told me his cock was going in my ass or my mouth.. I said no I don't want that.. he said your ass then. I kept saying no please no, I don't want to today ect ect he penetrated me anully. We had anal 'sex' for around 5 mins until he noticed I wasn't enjoying my self, he stopped and pulled out and basically said it's okay we don't have to.. gave me a quick peck and got off me.. i was shaking put on a gown and went to the bathroom to shower, he followed me in after about 2 mins i was just stood in there in disbelief. I got in the shower and he came in after me and cuddled me. He still had a hard on and stared to masterbate him self over me in the shower, he asked me to go on my knees and then he wanked into my mouth until he came.
And as if nothing ever happened
I wash and dry and go back to the bedroom. I can see him on his phone texting the girl from work, I grab the phone from him and run to the bathroom and lock the door, obviously I start taking to her reading messages ect ect. He's trying to knock the door down, getting tools out ect. Once he's calmed down and I've finished on his phone, I go back to the bed room give him his phone back some words were exchanged. His mums woken up from the commotion I've told her he's been cheating on me.. but nothing else. He's got dressed and left the house i have been out looking for him for about half an hour but didn't feel safe so came back.. he's still not home now.
A mutual friend is with him and bringing him back soon.
( I must say I was abused as a child but an older child so I do sometimes accept less than I know I deserve)

Why do I love him?
Why do I want our relationship to work?

I know I should run for the hills but i just want things to work so badly.

Sorry it's been so long, rambling and many spelling mistakes. I'm at such a loss

OP posts:
BitchyArriver · 01/09/2019 02:17

Darling. You need to go to the police. Seriously. This man is a danger to you and others. Call them now.

Do you have somewhere you can go now with your DD that’s safe? Is DSD with you now?

NewYoiker · 01/09/2019 02:18

Please call the police

Pannalash · 01/09/2019 02:22

Please call the police.

BitchyArriver · 01/09/2019 02:23

Why do I love him?
Why do I want our relationship to work?

I very much doubt that anyone on here will answer these questions for you; as it is apparent that your safety is at serious risk here, and it is imperative that you escape from this terrible man as soon as possible.

Original poster
SmellBeforeRain · 01/09/2019 02:31

He's back now and down the stairs. I don't think he'll be back up now.
DD is in her room and PIL are home too

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 01/09/2019 03:04

He has anally raped you, and physically and violently assaulted you lovely, that's apart from possibly cheating on you.

Please find the strength to call the police and protect yourself and your dd, he's out of control
He needs stopping, before he thinks this is now ok to do to you again in the future.

💐

Gingerkittykat · 01/09/2019 03:22

Please think about contacting the police.

Contact womans aid or similar for help to get out of this relationship.

I think people who have not been in an abusive relationship do not understand the complexities of your feelings, especially with your history of childhood abuse.

You deserve better, and your DD deserves her mum to be safe and not grow up in this kind of environment.

Nat6999 · 01/09/2019 03:35

Ring the police now, he assaulted & raped you. Have you got a friend or someone who could go with you to the specialist rape unit? Please don't stay because you think you ought to, dial 999, get yourself a change of clothes & when the police arrive, tell them everything. Don't be afraid to ask for help.

Rachelover40 · 01/09/2019 05:40

He is one bad ass & dangerous with it.

Get rid, please, phone the police. You've been sexually assaulted for goodness sakes and who knows what he would do next.

dottycat123 · 01/09/2019 06:26

There are very few people who would consider that being punched in the ribs and face during 'rough sex' was a normal behaviour.This man is a cheating, violent rapist he will escalate the violence. Your boundaries are blurred, please try to leave him.

MNHQ
MichaelMumsnet · 01/09/2019 06:44

Thanks for the reports. We've moved this thread over into the Relationships section.

Angelf1sh · 01/09/2019 08:13

Do you have any RL support? You really need to get some help to get away and please report this to the police.

@MNHQ could you maybe have been a little less cold in your message? Perhaps offered some support or links? It’s like he hasn’t even read the post ffs

GiveMeHope103 · 01/09/2019 09:00

Hugs op. Agree with everyone else you need to report him. Do you have anywhere to move out to. He is an animal to do this, let alone with his parents and child there.

EssexSexpot · 01/09/2019 09:03

Oh, love. You're in a terrible situation but it's not your fault. It's also not your fault that your feelings about this are confused and complicated.

Is there someone in real life you can talk to? Sometimes that can be what's needed to make something like this feel 'real' and to give you the certainty you need to end the relationship and leave.

CodenameVillanelle · 01/09/2019 09:05

You love him and want the relationship to work because you've been conditioned by an abuser to feel that abuse is love and to feel safer with your abuser than without him.
He's a VERY dangerous man and you need to take steps to get help to leave him safely.

MorrisZapp · 01/09/2019 09:06

Please take your small child far away from this disturbing lifestyle, and inform the mother of his daughter what is going on. No child should be in a house where this is happening.

Quartz2208 · 01/09/2019 09:31

Police he has been accelerating and abusing you for awhile it needs reporting
You need to keep both daughters as far away from him as you can.

Quartz2208 · 01/09/2019 09:32

And he knows that which is why all bets are off and he is treating you as he wants

Branleuse · 01/09/2019 09:58

Youd be well within your rights to go to the police, and if you actually have a bdsm type thing going on, then its INCREDIBLY important that he reads you and listens to you and stops immediately, and if he doesnt, then it is nothing to do with bdsm and its abuse and rape. He doesnt care about you. Hes checked out, and hes messaging someone else, which shows he doesnt actually give a fuck about you, your consent, your enjoyment or your safety. A man like that could kill you.
I think you need to get out and get out fast.
He will turn it round at the police to say you are into that sort of thing, so youre at a disadvantage there, but you really need to protect yourself. You may have fetishised your own abuse, but you ARE a valid person and you NEVER deserve to be violated in this way.
I think you need to do a lot of healing from your past traumas before this man, or the next kills you

Original poster
SmellBeforeRain · 01/09/2019 10:07

A friend came to collect me and DD this morning. We are at their house for now. I'll go to our belonging once his parents are home from work.
We don't really have anywhere to go, we've been on the housing list for about 2 years now and are so close to getting a property. Been offered one previously but the HAs sale fell through after they'd offered it to us.

OP posts:
RLEOM · 01/09/2019 13:46

What is your next step, OP?

It sounds like you've been allowing him to abuse you sexually for a long time. Saying that you zone out when he punches you or is rough with you is a clear sign that you don't like how he treats you sexually. I know some people are into rough sex, but it's so important to keep your boundaries in those situations. Mutual respect is so important when it comes to rough sex, something he clearly doesn't have towards you in many ways (cheating, raping - this man is dangerous). That's not love. It's abuse.

Try Woman's Aid. They're not always easy to get through to but please keep trying. And don't get sucked into getting back with this man. There's light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to be strong, even when you don't feel like you are.

Quartz2208 · 01/09/2019 14:21

Please act OP to get him away from your Dd and sdd and please don’t move in with him.

busybarbara · 01/09/2019 14:24

He didn't only "just" do it, it seems like he's been doing it for a long period of time and many times, this is important to report. It's not a once off, he is a serial rapist.

Thereblegeopart · 01/09/2019 14:28

This man is a danger to society, let alone to you and your child.

Please, please stay away from him. Do not contact him, block him and do not reply to him.

Phone the police and contact legal aid.

I was in dv relationship for years, but nothing on this scale. The risk of homicide is extremely high, for you and your child.

ProseccoandPizza · 01/09/2019 23:58

From someone who’s in a BDSM relationship your DP should be immediately stopping all play at your no and not tonight. Our safe word is far from no but just me saying no halts play. No stops play and he then ensures we talk and he gains consent before we continue.

I’ve been in relationships where there is domestic violence and it escalated. Your DP is abusing you and it will further escalate.

Please don’t go back to him. You and your daughter deserve a better life.

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