Late home and no communication : what would you think?

[AmIaskingfortoomuch]

My DH went out on a Boys day/night out today. He left here at lunch time. Said he would be back around tea time and asked me whether I wanted a take-away when he got back. I said I didn't thanks (dieting), and that we have food in the fridge. Plan was that I would collect him from the train station on his return. I heard nothing all day, until I finally received a text at 11pm saying "on my way" and his train is due in at 11.45pm. I feel miffed that there has been no communication, not even a text, at say 7pm, to say he'd decided to stay out. Would this piss you off, or am I being silly?

I can understand you being pissed off at the lack of communication especially if he was wanting a lift. I used to get annoyed with Dh never being home when he said he would be. Now when one of us is going out we just say 'see you when i see you '. No expectation & no need for further communication when we are out.

So many cool wives on this thread. If he said he’d be home by tea time then his plans changed and it was going to be hours later, I would expect a text saying so.

It’s not like you’re saying he should ask permission and you weren’t texting him all night checking up on him. That WBU. To expect a quick text e.g. “Staying out longer, will let you know when I’m on my way” is not at all unreasonable.

It would piss me off royally. If plans change that's fine, a quick text to say 'I'm staying out later' is all that would be needed. But radio silence is not on.

I would have expected a text - but it wouldn’t be an argument- I probably would have text him about an hour after expected time home & just said ‘hope you are having a nice time, let me know when you are on your way back’ - if there’s no children to consider (ie if they would be in bed) then I think it’s nice that he was enjoying himself.

I'm just wondering how people would feel if this was their teen DC. If they said they wpd be home for dinner then eventually let you know they needed a loft at nearly midnight with no communication on between would everyone be cool with that? I wouldn't because I would think they were being a bit rude and disrespectful and I would tell them so so that they can learn to communicate and think of other people. I wouldn't want them to grow up to be the type of person who treats their spouse like that.

You can't compare the actions of a grown man with the actions of a teenager! Two totally different ball games.

I would be annoyed if he'd said he'd be home at tea time then stayed out for hours and didn't get in touch. Surely it's just polite to let your wife know you've changed plans and will be much later than you originally thought?

Thanks for opinions!

Just to clarify, if he had texted me at 7pm, to say "Change of plans, we're going clubbing, no idea what time I'll be back"....that would have been absolutely fine. I could have got my PJ's on and eventually gone to bed, knowing that I wouldn't be called to do a station pick up.

It was the lack of communication. The saying that he'd be home at 6.30pm (been saying that all week), and then just radio silence until 11pm, and getting back at 11.45pm. It makes me feel like I don't matter. To be fair, it's part of a larger picture, where I just don't feel particularly valued by him at the moment (I have another thread on here regarding the lack of any sex between us at the moment).

I know that if I was out, and I had told him I'd be home for dinner, that there is no way that I would not message him if I changed my plans. Especially if I had told him that I'd be back for dinner.

I know it's not a massive deal, it just makes me feel of no consequence, iyswim.

You can't compare the actions of a grown man with the actions of a teenager! Two totally different ball games.
In this case you can because it's about respect and communication.

You can't compare the two.

Teenagers are not grown adults. There are big differences. Teenagers live under their parents' roof and to a great extent live by their rules. Grown adults are not subject to the same restrictions as children are.

As a child I was subject to the rules of my parents - I was living under their roof and lived to a great extent by their rules. As an adult I'm not subject to those rules - while yes it would have been nice of him to message, you can't punish an adult for a minor digression in the same way you can punish a child or teenager.

pretty rude but as long as he doesn't have form for losing control whilst drinking id recover

I think it is a deal, and rude and inconsiderate of him. My DH sometimes comes home late without communication. I no longer save dinner for him if he says he is going to be in a bit late as he is inconsistent about what time he comes in and sometimes he eats when he’s out and sometimes he doesn’t. If he hasn’t eaten out and gets home at 8, there are always frozen meals in the freezer he can reheat for himself. Sometimes I’ll get him from the station but only if the DC are up. Otherwise he can get a taxi.

Don’t feel you have to minimise his behaviour because of how some posters have responded to you.

We are their partners. Not mothers.

Teenagers live under their parents' roof and to a great extent live by their rules. Grown adults are not subject to the same restrictions as children are.

But it's not about the rules and restrictions. The issue isn't that he stayed out, it's that he lacked the respect to communicate. I would be cross if anyone in my household did this and would ask them to do it differently next time.

In the modern day of technology and we all have access to a phone a short message to say.... Things have dragged on I'll be back later would have sufficed.

If I was expecting him home at 6pm and it got to about 7/8 I'd have been getting j touch and asking if everything was ok?

I would just pull him up on it as a reminder that communication is key. He either got carried away or was worried about they reaction so decided to stick his head in the sand and just ignore the fact he was home like 4-5hrs later than he said he would be.

The use of the insult 'cool wives' to shut down women's different opinions is really shitty.

Way to go, sisters!

I think it's pretty inconsiderate not to send a quick message just saying he was staying out later.

What's with this 'cool wives' thing? Just because someone doesn't get their knickers in a twist over things doesn't give them a label. I wouldn't be bothered. I'd have sent a text when I was planning on cooking and said will you be home to eat or are you staying out later? If I got no reply within say half an hour, I'd cook the food for myself then send a text at maybe 10 and say if you'll be home after X time, you'll need to get a taxi home. That way I've done I've my bit and it's up to him if he wants food or a lift. I would only start to worry if it got passed midnight, then I would probably call (if I hadn't had a reply to the food or lift question).

There's really no point in stressing the small stuff. If you've got a partner that stays out until the early hours and constantly ignores texts and phone calls, that's an issue. Staying out a few hours longer and coming home still at a decent time isn't an issue for me. I can watch what I want on the TV 😂

I can understand why you're annoyed OP. Especially if you were giving him a lift.
I'll probably be called controlling but our kind of "rule" is that if we're going out from work/out. Just let the other know with a text etc.

I used to feel that I didn't want to chase up when dp was having a night out. What I've realised is if it's getting to the stage where I'm wondering where he is or when he'll be back it is not worth the frustration of waiting. You can do something to alleviate that & send a text.

Sure it's inconsiderate but people get carried away when they're out drinking & can't expect a drunk person to act the same as when they're sober. Unless it's a regular occurrence it's not a real issue.