Scared

[queenjaneapprox]

My ex was arrested yesterday, very long story short he was trying to take kids away, took phone so I couldn't call police and tried to lock me in room and threatens to kill me, got past and ran out to neighbour to call police. He was then threatening neighbours and aggressive with police when they arrived. He has been bailed conditions not to contact me or come to my address.
My concern is what happens next - if they do decide to charge him he would
Lose his job I think and I am scared that would provoke an extreme reaction.
I am taking steps to make my property as secure as I can. But I am just really
Scared what he might do if charged.
Domestic violence team should be in touch at beginning of week but is there any advise/ reassurance? Or is it a case of if he's determined to do something then he will. I just need to be prepared and have a plan?

It's impossible to predict what is going to happen next. You can only control what you do and making your home secure is a great first step. Is there any other adult who could keep you company in your house to make you feel more secure over the weekend? Or could you go somewhere you know would be safe?

Thanks for replying. I stayed with my mum last night but came home today as I thought if I didn't I'd never come back again.

Tbh I think it will be ok in the immediate next few days as I think he is going to be careful until charge Decision. I think if he is charged that will be a massive trigger and could prompt
Him to try and harm me then. I will stay away around that time and try and take precautions then.

Is this thr 1st time he's done something like this? Has he been violent towards you before? Or emotionally abusive?

It's impossible to say what will happen next
it will very much depend on any previous domestic abuse. He tried to take the kids? Knowing what I know now, your next steps should be to go to court and get a prohibited steps order with a penal notice attached. This prevents him from removing the children from your care & police will return your children if he does take them again. As things stand, he can take them (if he's their dad) and you would have to go to court to get them returned. For now, look after yourself. He will have to take responsibility for his actions.

If he breaks his bail conditions he will be jailed you might find that it is a deterrent.
If He loses his job well he’s brought it on himself.
Sounds really awful for you, I would stay at your mums and get a bit of support.

The dv unit will make you a tailored plan specific to your risks.....
For now, dont let him in and avoid / report all contact xxx
And yes, legal orders when the time comes.

Thanks everyone fantastic advice. I will reply properly in a bit busy with the kids, they're twins aged 6 and both autistic so very full on.

I believe if someone is arrested and they do a notifiable job (teacher etc) that it is upon arrest that their employer is notified rather than charge. Not 100% but believe that's the case. Not wanting to worry you but in the interests of being all informed - may be worth enquiring so you can be prepared. And I'd be completely honest with police as to your fears. There are certain things they can do to support you. Good luck, sounds like a really difficult and upsetting time, but that you are being very strong and doing the right thing.

He is controlling and was emotionally abusive. The worst thing he ever did before was put his hands around my neck and threatened to kill me. He stopped himself and walked out.

With regards to getting a prohibited steps order I am going to call a family solicitor first thing tomorrow, kids back to school on weds so hopefully I can get an appointment for weds so I can talk to them freely without the kids. I’m also going to ask to see the safeguarding lead at school on weds and say not to let their dad pick them up under any circumstances . The police took school details and said we will be referred to soc services so hopefully they will be aware anyway. Though I don’t know how quickly things happen.

I don’t want to be too specific re job but it is public sector. I know it’s his fault I agree. But I think he’s a narcissist and he will see it as my fault. Everything is my fault according to him, my fault he had an affair and left.

I will make some enquires about that though and if he has to declare to them he’s been arrested.

I am scared but I want to be prepared and on my guard. I am going to work with police and soc services and do whatever they advise.

A massive plus is about to come your way.
When he is spoken to and warned to stay away, you wont ever know how he feels ir what he has to say on the matter cos he wont be able to say it to you!!!
I saw so many women just blossom when the abusive ex suddenly couldn't get at them.....x

Re. school. If their dad has PR, unless there is a court order in place, the school cannot refuse to let him take the children. They can stall and delay him, and contact you so you can try and get there to pick the children up.

I think the police notify the employer. Again, not certain, but definitely worth an ask so you are prepared. You're being really brave and strong, keep accepting the support, remember, no matter what he says this is absolutely not your fault and only he is responsible for his actions. You are responsible for keeping you and your children safe and it sounds like you are doing a brilliant job of that.

I too hope a massive plus is about to come my way. I swing between that and then feeling terrified. I’m trying to be strong m. I think I will feel better once I’ve actually spoken to a family solicitor hopefully tomorrow. Especially given what little fish said about needing the court order for school.

It’s an inset day tomorrow and tues I assume there will be staff there. I am going to email deputy head today and say I need to speak urgently before school starts back. He was nearly banned from school for aggressive behaviour towards a teacher so they know what he’s like.

Thanks for all the support and advice I will keep re reading this when I feel weak.