Can’t communicate with dh

[Wrungout1]

I have a lot to juggle generally...teens/exams/disability/work/family stuff etc and August has been particularly hard. On top of this I suffered a trauma yesterday which has left me feeling fragile. I have asked dh for support and encouragement ( he’s not very engaged with me emotionally- I have to spell things out) He just can’t do it.... I told him I need more reassurance ( or even compliments) to make me feel valued and appreciated but he just thinks I’m “ making a fuss” . So I’m further away from getting the comfort I need because he’s annoyed I complained about not getting the love and support I need. I feel so lonely and upset.... wwyd?

What was the trauma? Why do you need reassurance and compliments?

I can kind of see where your husband is coming from!

The trauma was a violent physical and verbal attack from a family member. I want reassurance/ compliments for my self esteem... is that too much to ask?

OP - I am sorry something traumatic happened to you.
And I hope you have reported it to police.
However asking for someone to give you compliments so that you get your self-esteem up is not a way to go.
Compliments need to come from the place where people mean it. If you instruct someone to give them to you - it’s fake. Why would you want it?
And, more importantly - you can’t rely on external propping of self-esteem. You need to build up your own.

Of course - in a relationship - people need to support each other. If you are down - listening to you; holding your hand; helping with practical stuff - all totally fair things to expect.
Being your therapist and helping with your self-esteem - is indeed too much to ask.

I am not sure about this one OP. Saying you want compliments etc seems a bit odd but I think what you mean is that you’re having a hard time and you want your husband to be more supportive, ideally without having to ask, but to make it worse, it sounds like your husband is worse when you ask him for more support.

My husband can be like this. If he thinks I’m being critical in any way then he pulls away more. It makes it difficult to ask for more support when I need it. In my experience it’s better not to ask, as bad as that is. But if I quietly go to bed or get in the bath he knows something is up and comes to talk to me.

Many thanks for your replies sleep and MM. I give so much and work so hard ... I just want acknowledgment and appreciation from my dh.... others are kind to me and respect my achievements ... it’s just not getting that in my primary relationship hurts so much and makes me doubt myself. I want more love and affection... is it so bad to try to get that from my own dh?

OP - you said you wanted compliments for your self-esteem. That is what I was commenting on.

Now you expand a bit, but again it sounds a little off to me.
Ask yourself - why do you work hard and give a lot to your family? Is that because that’s what you think a good mother/wife should do?
Is that because your family members want/need it?
Are you doing it because YOU think you need to do it? - then you don’t need to have anyone’s approval.
It’s should be enough that YOU know you are doing what you need/have to the best way you can.

However - if you are pushing yourself to the limit and feel like it may not be appreciated - there is a chance you are martyring yourself.
Don’t. It’s not needed and not worth it.

Why do you need to much for your H to give you reassurance? Why do you feel it’s his assessment that is core to your self esteem?
You are a grown woman. And you need to see your worth by yourself.

I know the compliments thing sounds pathetic ...but I want them... I go to the gym, keep my hair and nails nice, dress well etc... I do it for myself and want to be presentable for my children..... just wish my dh appreciated me more.

OP - I am commenting broadly because it’s unclear whether it’s some external (career?) achievements you want his praise for - or your family/housekeeping skills.
You seem to mention both?

Is it not normal to want to feel loved/ attractive/appreciated by one’s husband?

I think you should talk to a counsellor about all the things that are making you feel how you do. If you have the ability to make yourself feel happier, you won't be as concerned about what your dh does or doesn't say. Men in my experience are emotionally dense, ungrateful and mostly blind to things like self-care.

If you want compliments on your hair/nails/fitness, you're far more likely to get them from friends. If you ask someone to give you compliments where they wouldn't normally, it won't be real anyway.

OP - what is really going on?
You sound lol over - it’s your work, it’s achievements, it’s hat&nails you want your H to recognise....
Are you - possibly depressed?
Or has there been a change in your H’s behaviour or attraction towards you - and you are suspecting he is playing around?

Something is going on.
You are down and unhappy.
It can’t be the lack of compliments.

Op it's completely normal to want and expect both compliments and support from your partner. I make the effort to ensure my partner has both, and he reciprocated, it's a kind and loving thing to do and the drudgery of everyday life and all it's challenges can really get you down without those kind words to bolster you day to day. Even more so when you've had a horrible experience like you did !

I get you, but be prepared for brutal responses on here because you dared to say you'd like a compliment every now and then. Sorry your DH is being an arse

Thank you for your replies... I am feeling low and your perspectives are helpful. Really, thank you.

Who doesn't want to be complimented by their partner? It's nice to feel loved. BUT you shouldn't depend on this too much to keep your self esteem afloat. It sounds like your lacking self love and confidence in yourself, and when your in that space of always feeling inadequate, it's hard to think otherwise - so we crave acceptance from others close to us. I went to cognitive behavioural therapy for similar things which really helped, I would recommend.

One exercise I was taught is to write down the nice things people say to you throughout the day. 'That won't take long!' I thought. But I was tapping notes into my phone all day, because it turns out, people were always saying nice things but I was tuned out to it! Even things like 'I like your top' or 'your hair looks nice today' they all count. And seeing how many nice things you've heard about yourself that day is a big boost, because if all these people can take time out of their day to say something nice to you, then you should do the same to yourself. Talk to yourself as you would to someone you love

If you’ve been together for a long time you can take each other for granted. Perhaps he’s doing that with you. Also guys brains just don’t work the same way as women’s brains! They don’t always realise what we are thinking because of this. And we don’t always understand what they mean too.
Take more time to yourself to feel good about other things that make you happy. Time with friends always makes me feel good.

Thank you again for taking the time to post comments. DH has gone out to do hobby so I’m having a long lie in, v good for me bc I’m in my 50s and menopausal and rarely get a good night’s sleep. I’m not on HRT and really felt overwhelmed on Friday with HRT being in the news... yet another factor/ decision I have to consider again. I am a giver in all my relationships, I have great energy for this and it gives me personal satisfaction. It's when things go wrong, like the traumatic attack on Friday that I want someone to take care of me for a change and it just wasn’t happening enough from dh to make me feel ok again; I then conflated that with just feeling like part of the furniture at home and wishing I had some go to compliments on my head to make me feel better. ( I’m probably quite vain ) DH is a good man and treats me well but I guess he’s quite ‘ dense ‘ when it comes to emotions. He claimed he does say nice things to me, I asked for an example.... he said the other day that I don’t look as old as one of my friends.