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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Do I let another man into my life? Or not?

12 replies

Aminuts23 · 31/08/2019 17:53

Hi. I just can’t decide what to do.
In the past I had a LTR of about 7 years. I left him, he and his parents were emotionally abusive to me, I was isolated, some of the things he did over the years were unforgivable. I was so relieved when I left. He ruined my chances of ever having children so I’m on my own, it’s been 4 years now since I left.
About a year later I met someone else, an old school friend. We were happy I thought until the end when he dumped me while on holiday abroad (yeah-great!!). Turns out he’d met someone else, I found that out months later.
Anyway so the upshot is I’ve been single for a couple of years now. Im mid 40s, have good friends, good social life, good job, own home. Im happily single to be fair.
So this man has come into my life, recently moved to the area and tentatively becoming one of our circle of friends. There’s a spark between us. He’s nice looking, funny, seems like a great guy.
So now I have his number. He’s mentioned going out sometime. Sounds great. Here’s the dilemma.... I’m just not sure at all that I want a man in my life. I value my space, my freedom. It’s not about him, he’s lovely. But the thought of dating just doesn’t appeal at all. I don’t want to lead him on. But then I think it might be nice to get back in the saddle and he’d be very nice to get back in the saddle with (so to speak). I just don’t know. He’ll be out tonight. I blush when I see him in my 40s!!! What would you do??

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 31/08/2019 18:09

Could you do a fwb type thing?

I understand about not wanting a man. You seem to have to give up so much when they around full time. I'm over cleaning up after someone, dealing with their moods, etc.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/08/2019 18:14

Why can't you just take it very slowly and see how it goes? It doesn't have to be an all or nothing situation.

Aminuts23 · 31/08/2019 18:27

Could just see what happens I suppose. I don’t know what he’s thinking after all. Part of me just wants to keep my distance and for it to go away. The other half of me is saying why not. I just don’t want to get hurt again, and the whole getting to know someone new fills me with dread

OP posts:
Imtrying2 · 31/08/2019 22:47

I’d go for it, you might feel differently after a couple of dates.

pisspants · 01/09/2019 00:04

yes I agree, give it a couple of dates to.see how it goes and whether he's worth giving up single life for

Aquamarine1029 · 01/09/2019 06:11

I think it would be very unfortunate for you to base the rest of your life on past bad experiences. Hopefully, you have gained wisdom and learned what you want and what you don't. It would be a shame to possibly deny yourself of a wonderful relationship simply due to your history.

OnlineAlienator · 01/09/2019 06:14

Give it a go to check whether you really dislike dating, but just dont move in together. You dont have to be on 'the relationship escalator' in every relationship you have. But make it clear to him early on you arent looking to settle down, just in case he is.

Aminuts23 · 01/09/2019 12:08

He’s not that long out of a serious relationship himself so hopefully he’s not in any rush for anything.

OP posts:
Notthetoothfairy · 01/09/2019 12:13

I agree you should give it a go but try not to get too emotionally invested too soon. Good luck!

Aminuts23 · 01/09/2019 15:41

I know myself. I had a tendency in the past to get emotionally invested too quickly. Im thinking more today that I shouldn’t bother. I spoke to him a while last night and he was nice as usual but I don’t know. Maybe I’m over thinking it or misreading signs. I don’t want to make a fool of myself

OP posts:
boredboredboredboredbored · 01/09/2019 16:07

I met somebody online, as bizarre as it sounds I signed up whim and wasn't really looking to meet somebody. Few hours later this man messaged me. I had been single for 3 years, 2 teenagers, perfectly happy alone, good job, own house, love my own space etc.

Met up with him a week later & there was a spark there but I was so torn and confused. I decided to just sit back and see where it went. Turned out to be the best man I've ever met. We've been together 2 years now. We have a great life together, we live apart and enjoy the best bits of life together. Travelling, eating out etc. Go for it op life is too short!

Aminuts23 · 01/09/2019 17:03

That’s nice to hear bored. Torn is exactly how I feel.

OP posts:
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