How best to help unemployed son with depression?

[Holly147]

DP's son is in his late 20s and has been on-off employed (more off than on!) in retail jobs since leaving school. He is nice, polite, intelligent and has a decent set of GCSEs and A-levels but is completely unmotivated. In the last few years it seemed like he was doing well – he had moved to a new city, got a job and rented a flat, and it sounded like he was enjoying a good social life. However, he has recently confided in his Dad that he feels worthless and depressed, and that he has actually felt like this since being in his teens. He has never told anyone he feels like this and it has got worse in the last year, to the point he has had suicidal thoughts and doesn’t feel up to speaking to or meeting anyone. He hates his job and hates where he lives.

So DP has offered for him to move back nearer to where we live, temporarily into DP's house which is empty at the moment and he is due to sell in the next 6 months. DP hopes this will give DSS time to apply for jobs and start afresh, as he said he was fed up of being in dead-end jobs and wants something with prospects. DSS has also agreed it would be a good idea to seek professional help, starting with his GP. He was very happy with the idea of moving, and has now given notice on his job and flat and is due to move in a month. DP has emphasised that a change of location isn’t going to be the solution on its own and he needs to also look for a career and join groups/make friends. However we’re not convinced DSS will actually apply for any jobs and are concerned that this could backfire as if he doesn’t work or take up any hobbies he would actually be more isolated which wouldn’t help. DP didn’t feel like he had any other option as his son is so unhappy at the moment, and obviously panicked at the suicidal thoughts.

Ordinarily DP would be a lot harsher with ultimatums/serious chats etc. if DSS didn’t apply for jobs, but we are trying to tread carefully and don’t really know how to approach this due to DSS’s depression. Does anyone who might have been through similar have any suggestions as to how we can give him strong motivation to apply for jobs and think about a new career, while being careful not to lower his self esteem any more or make his depression worse?

5-http really helped my son when he went through a period in his late teens and early twenties of feeling depressed.

He is 24 and fine now.

Op I had friend when younger in similar situation and his dp didn't think like you have, ie how to be sensitive and kind when someone is depressed like this.

A depressed suicidal person isn't motivated to work or find work rather.

What helped my friend was getting gf, going on holiday, changing routines lots of stuff to do, so less time moping about.

Mental health needs to improve for the rest to follow. Def no nastiness right now or sanctions.

A friend of mine went through the same thing with her daughter and I think the key lies in making sure he's better (even if it is a little bit) before jumping headfirst into the job-hunting process.

Have him come up with a plan. Does he have a career path in mind? What are the steps he can take to get there, however small? Have him set realistic, attainable goals for himself. Good luck.

Thanks very much for the replies.

He doesn't have any career path in mind unfortunately, but we'll try giving him some realistic ideas and see what he thinks. It sounds like we should wait a bit before pushing him into anything - the challenge will be keeping him busy when he doesn't have a job or any sort of social life in the area.

I should say that he has always been unmotivated (from the age of 4 and right through school according to DP). So although a lack of motivation can obviously be caused by depression, it's difficult in his case to disentangle whether his lack of motivation has caused his current situation which has led to him being depressed, or whether he is demotivated due to depression iyswim.

In either case, obviously being motivated to change things would improve his situation. But we're at a loss as to how to motivate him, given that any sanctions would probably be counter-productive.

It's wonderful that you both want to help him. However, I would gently suggest that you also help by learning as much as you both can yourself about depression. Perhaps by joining a family support group in your area, reading books and online information, etc. If you've never been depressed yourself, it can be hard to understand what someone is going through, to know what will help, or to disentangle what is a symptom versus a 'demotivated' personality.

I would also suggest shifting your expectations somewhat. Rather than worry about whether he is going to get a new career or new friends (both really hard things to achieve, even if you are in the best of health!), focus on whether or not he is going to be able to get well.

Six months may be enough time to make a difference.... or it may not, if he has been depressed and untreated most of his life, which sounds likely from the details you've given. When left untreated, each episode of depression is more sever and harder to recover from, so it accumulates over the years.

Remember that he will likely have peaks and troughs over the next few months. He may look like he is getting better, and then have a couple of days or weeks when it all comes crashing back down. He will need you both to hang in there for him, to encourage him to not give up on life.

You can help by assisting him in getting access to therapy, perhaps group support groups if there is on in the area, and medication through his GP. And then also helping him sort out a way to have regular exercise, lots of sleep, and to eat healthy food every day. When depression is really bad, just getting up, showered, and fed is a major challenge. There are practical things your DP can do to make these challenges just a little easier like check in regularly to make sure he has real food, call once a day to chat, or even arrange to do a short run or walk with him once a day.

Thank you for such a helpful response @EllaEllaE . Sorry I was so long in replying - I did read your post at the time then haven't been on here for ages!

We will try and focus on him hopefully feeling better before looking at career/friends etc. as I can see what you mean about us expecting too much straight away. I think DP is just concerned that if he doesn't have a job to get up for (he does at the moment and says this helps) it could make things worse.