Rock bottom and separating, please help

[Separated07]

Hi all
Please bear with me, this is quite an essay.
I met my girlfriend while married (not proud) and we both separated from partners to be together. I have two children from the marriage. We followed each other round hotels with my work and the first year or two was great, proper steamy romance the turned into love. we moved in together and although good, cracks appeared and I was kicked out for six weeks, while I got my own bank and put in to the house. She then became close mates with our neighbour about six years older with four kids of his own, he was living with his girlfriend and still is, although fast forward and they’ve moved about ten miles from us now. She fell pregnant and our baby was born, only then were the other kids allowed near. My partner never wanted kids full stop so this was huge for her. Nothing has been done right and I’ve taken the brunt, add to that she has huge past issues (lost her brother in Afghan, abuse as a child) and you can see she’s pretty messed up anyway without my input! We’ve given it one last shot for years but there hasn't been intimacy in the relationship for three years since our girl, and probably been really close four times in the last year. Just when I get close, something pushes her back and I’m back to square one frustrated. We knew we were close to the end with arguments along these lines, and I’d been working away every week when suddenly a text from the next door neighbour arrived at 11pm one night, just friends she said. Work carried on and a few weeks later I came home to a fine letter showing her car in a pub car park for four hours while I was away and our girl was at nannies. I quizzed her and she said she met the old neighbour (she didn’t have to say him, it could have been anyone). She swore on lives it was just mates and I got over that, but then intrigue got the better of me a week later and I checked her phone (again, not proud) where i saw deleted screen shots of messages between the two where HE declared how he felt and there was a message from him saying he “couldn’t help it, devil on his shoulder” and that hed found her “sexy and fit for years” there was a deleted selfie from him (just smiling) and my mrs has tried to send a legitimate selfie back to him (about 15 deleted selfies, she says not used) but obviously didn’t feel confident to send one. I approached the subject and she told me they met two weeks later (little girl at nannies again) but this time they mistakenly kissed at the goodbye stage (lips sealed, longer than a peck) she said she didn’t say anything as she was trying to forget (again, she didn’t need to own up to the kiss, I didn’t have a clue) but this one has really hurt. She’s just started a course of anti depressants and I’m talking to a counsellor about my insecurities and trust, plus relationship OCD. I love this woman so much and want it all to be mates who made an error. After a week of her meds she called a separation while we both sort our heads, and then “if we’re meant to be it’ll happen” kind of thing. So now I’m in the process of moving out, her meds have kicked in on the second week and she’s back to her old self, albeit in fits and spurts. She’s showed signs of amazing happiness at how I’ve learned from previous mistakes and the house is working again, we’ve been amazing and chatted and giggled etc, regularly cuddling and pecks on the lips despite us separating. It’s worth noting I contacted the blokes partner to ask him to call me and she didn’t reply, despite being a friendly girl. He kicked off at my partner saying he’d already told her and this had caused more issues and that I shouldn’t have contacted her (if he hadn’t told her, she would have replied surely, so could be the case he has?) my partner says she will still message him and won’t be dictated to by anyone who she meets, she only has a couple of friends anyway.
I guess I’m asking, do I trust my partner is going to get the help she needs and sit tight in my new place trusting it was a genuine error mainly fuelled by his feelings towards her, how I’ve made her feel for years, and two vulnerable people have made an error, and maybe she’s even enjoyed the attention, also seeing the signs that show she could want me back, or do I move out next week and let whatever happens happen with them two? I’m in the mindset that I’ve been shunned so that she can explore what was beginning with him but with no challenge, but then I think I’ve seen enough to show she is coming back to me, wants to forget the kiss and stay friends with him, but has to park me as she cannot concentrate on her mental health and a relationship with me around doing the same? It’s worth noting she is very remorseful for what she did in terms of no intimacy shown for years (her mindset is she has nothing to give to anyone, body hangups post pregnancy and obviously depression, doesn’t even tell me exciting day stuff, and now letting me down with the old neighbour.
Help, I’m losing the woman I love and no matter what I say or do, I’m making it worse with these unwanted thoughts of what happened that night and could still be?
The more I pick up on her good days and random ‘false hopes’ as progress for the future, the more she slams me down with the “see what happens” line. “We need to do this apart etc”
Just want her back and to be able to trust nothing is going on. I never had this issue for the five years before today, but now I cringe when she says she’s going for a drive or going out with her only other mate (female) I do trust her but hate the thought of being played while trying to change myself, and the moment I’m gone she’s gonna meet him again.
Any help appreciated
😢

Didn't want to read and one but I'm not the best one for advice at the moment with everything I am going threw!

But.....tbh in my experience....once the trust has cracks the cracks get worse and the trust doesn't come back!

Sorry

Thanks for replying. Is it the case that a mistaken kiss can happen that doesn’t mean anything? Just two people at rock bottom in their relationships and instant regret?

Because we love someone doesnt necessarily mean it's right. You're in control of your life its up to you to decide to put yourself first or your relationship. Sometimes we have to be a bit 'selfish' and think about our own wellbeing, if you're already feeling this way I can't say how it'll be in months/years to come if you decide to stay. Just in short always take care of yourself whatever you choose to do. Good luck, I hope it all works out for the better!

Trust your gut it's always right

There’s seems to be a huge lack of trust here and usually once trust is gone then the relationship is already over.

I think you're better off calling it a day.

@Separated07

Ummmm tbh I think even if the kiss was an accident....kissing someone else normally means your unhappy even if it isn't admitted.

But you need to ask yourself whether you trust her....?
If it's a little but we can work on it....I would say it won't work....trust is easy to loose but so hard to get back....I mean so hard ☹️

Thanks Courtney. Right now I don’t have a choice on whether I stay or not, I’ve just put the holding fee down on a little flat just up the road. I think I’ve got to trust it was a mistake. There’s also nothing to suggest anything happened when we lived next door, all signs point to the face he’s been a better mate to her than I’ve ever been 😢

I know she was unhappy, I took her there. She’s on anti depressants so you can’t get much more unhappy than that. His relationship is in a bad way too and the kiss was at the point they were leaving. She promises it was just lips clenched and slightly longer than a peck

It could be a kiss that doesn’t mean anything. Yet she hasnt walked away from him. She wants to still stay friends. If I’d made a mistake I’d stay away from that friend so I wouldn’t make the same mistake again. She’s obviously been looking for something she wasn’t getting from you. But whether that’s your fault or hers for expecting something that was unreasonable I don’t know. It’s good that she’s getting counselling and medication. If you go perhaps it will give you both an opportunity to see how you feel. It’s easy to take a partner for granted after years and seek attention from others to make you feel alive again. Only time will tell what she wants. It would be good if you could get counselling too. Hope it works out for the best for you both.

Hi Elieza, thank you for taking the time to comment. I’m sure I mentioned but I’m starting counselling next week. I’ve been obsessive and controlling throughout the relationship, and when I perceive a ‘missed opportunity for intimacy’ I’ve blamed her when my actions have left her wanting nothing from me, it’s been a vicious circle.
The neighbour has been a good mate and I think he’s taken advantage of a woman in need, they both regret it. She only has two mates in her life and I think she likes his company as he really listens. My aim to never put her in a position like that again given the chance. I can’t stop her having him as a friend otherwise I’d be controlling again, I’ve just got to trust that it was an error. Time apart will show if that’s possible

That’s great you are going for counselling. It really helped me.
You’re right that you can’t make her stop hanging out with her friend, I’m just surprised she still wants to, but if she has so few friends that’s probably why.
Keep busy, do your hobbies, be healthy and support your body with good food and try and get good sleep at night. Just look after yourself basically and get out of the house when you can just to go for a health walk or the gym or whatever. I know it sounds silly but if you feel you look your best it gives you a boost and sometimes you just need that. Also getting with others for a hobby or something also helps. It doesn’t have to be dear. Good luck.