Change in family dynamics following death of MIL

[scarbados]

Not wishing to drip-feed - We're in our 60s and have been together for 19 years. I moved across the country to be with him, leaving the area where I'd gorwn up and my dad still lived. From the start his mum was very demanding and never made me feel welcome. She became more and more demanding and eventually developed Alzheimers which made life difficult. DH was made redundant and soon fell into a pattern of being available at her beck and call, and stopped looking for work. We lived on my wage, including 3 years after my retirement age so he was there to answer her demands. She became so confused she didn't know if she'd seen him this morning or 3 weeks ago. I said I was tired of working for her conveneince, even though I loved my job. This coincided with my dad's death and me inheriting enough to buy a flat in Scarborough. (We were renting back in Brum and I had no intention of retiring and having to use everything my dad had worked for to pay into the landlord's pocket) Although I love my life here, until last month I had regular 'home alone' periods when she was in hospital for up to 3 weeks at a time or just weekend 'duty visits'.

She died 7 weeks ago after 4 days in hospital. I know it's early days for him to get out of the habits - regular visits, phoning her every evening etc but I feel invisible or as though he has a vacancy for a dotty old lady who diesn't know her own mind. Even down to menu choices when we were out for lunch last weekend - I told him what I was going to order and he asked if I was sure that was what I wanted. Every conversation seems to start with the premise that I'm either stupid or incapable.

Not only is this upsetting me, but I'm starting to realise how much his mother controlled almost every aspect of our marriage and how much of me I've given up along the way to keep the peace. (Before Alzheimers, she used to be 'ill' the day before every holiday we booked and 3 times that led to us cancelling) Not only do I resent the way he's acting towards me now but I'm wondering how much of a relationship we've actually had because I don't think we even know each other at present. He either doesn't see a problem or thinks it's not a biggie.

I just want to disappear and have a life that involves me because I think I've just been a bit-part player so far. And it's breaking me. I cant't sleep, cry all the time he's out and I'm comfort eating. I feel angry that I've let myself be a doormat and that he wanted me to. Don't know what I want - just needed to post.

It's early days, so if it was me I would be giving it a bit more time but also making myself future proof, starting a new hobby etc to help me cope if I did call it a day.

Can you go on a holiday together to make a new start? Even going to book one together might be fun. Would he want/need some bereavement counselling?

OP, I get the feeling from your post that this man was actually married to his mother rather than you, in a horrible codependency.
You’ve been used as the financial support for it, and I can understand that you resent that.
Don’t make any rapid decisions, but I would regard your DH as being on probation. If he can move on from his mother and be a proper partner to you, pulling his weight financially and emotionally, then the marriage may be salvageable.
But I think it may not be. I think he may be locked in to his role as a martyred carer and lost without it, hence his treating you like his confused mother over menu choices etc.
For what it’s worth, I think you’d be better off leaving, and getting that flat in Scarborough by yourself. But it would be unkind to do it too soon, while he is still grieving and coming to terms with his DM’s death.
If he is willing, couples counselling might be helpful if you would prefer to remain together.

Maybe its your time now. You've given up so much

His mother’s illness (horrible disease) I magnified an already codependent relationship dynamic.

You’ve had survival within the constraints of your relationship dynamic mode blinkers on, the entire relationship. In the misguided hope that it would one day be somehow different. After her death, the sun hasn’t come out and there aren’t rainbows on the horizon. So what was all that sacrifice of your autonomy for? Well, not much.

It’s been seven weeks since his loss of his mother and his carer role, I can easily understand how some of the necessary behaviour with her has now found a home with you in certain circumstances.

There are two things going on, his grief and ability to cope with such a significant loss and situation change and the relationship dynamic with you, of which you’ve never felt satisfied with.

Everyone has a role in relationship dynamics, especially dysfunctional ones. Your first step is to start asking yourself why you chose/accepted yours.

Is this all there is and do you as individuals as well as a partnership have the desire/ capacity to change? I have no idea but you have to start somewhere and you might as well start with yourself.