Why do I feel guilty?

[Holymoly0]

I have posted before a couple of times but I’ll try not to ramble...

So I’m leaving my H after 16 years together 8 years married, 2 children. He’s staying in the house and I’m moving out because I’m not fond of the house or the area anymore anyway. He’s caused me a lot of heartbreak over the years, ruining our honeymoon and making us come home after a day, spoiling our first family holiday 2 days in then cheering up on the last night, not bothering with birthdays (and I mean not even saying the words happy birthday some years), fell out with my mum for 4 years and my brother for a lot longer making things very awkward for me. He smokes weed and is lazy, doesn’t want to do anything or go anywhere and if he does he makes it known he doesn’t want to be there. All this I’ve let pass over the years, then he’s suddenly become remorseful of himself and things haven't been great since January.

Now it’s at the point of me leaving him and I can’t help but keep feeling guilty. I think of him in the house on his own and it breaks my heart. Why do I feel guilty? I’ve done nothing wrong all I’ve tried to do is create a happy family life and do what I can to make him happy. But I cannot shake this feeling of guilt over leaving him and it keeps almost stopping me from going ahead. Will this feeling go? How can I stop myself feeling so bad over this?

Hi OP, you feel guilty because you have empathy and are a nice person. There is no magic formula and I've been through the same. I used to find it helped to write down all the awful things my ex had done over the years. I would remind myself that he didn't feel an ounce of guilt when he was behaving like a complete arse.
Your dh didn't feel any guilt when he ruined your honeymoon. He didn't feel guilt when he ruined holidays. Do you think he felt guilt not wishing you happy birthday? No.
This is your time to be happy now. You could have been happy with him but he chose to behave like an arsehole - his choice.

Counselling and the freedom programme!

I also feel guilty for our DC they’re only 6&4 how are we going to break it to them? Eldest DC dotes on his dad even though he’s never the best dad to them really (he admits that himself) it’s gonna break their hearts 😢

My DC were 9 and 3 when I split with their Dad. The oldest was probably most aware of what was going on but, 2 1/2 years on and they are both thriving! Kids are very resilient and don't be surprised if they are already aware something isn't right.
As long as you both agree to be consistent in reassuring them, they will be fine. I promise.

@crappyday2018 thanks, that’s good to know. It’s just the initial thought of telling them fills me with dread

Of course, its not something anyone wants to have to do. Don't make a massive thing of it and try not to get upset. Be clear that its a joint decision (even if its not) and tell them you will both be much happier not living together anymore. Of course it will take some adjustment but you will all get through it and come out the other side happier.

I still feel extremely guilty about my weed smoking ex h who never wanted to go anywhere with me and the kids like bbq invites and parties; ruined Christmas for me forever 9 years ago; bought different drugs on the dark web/constantly trying different things to deal with his anxiety and pain; had anger issues; constantly winged (still does); didn't want to sleep with me (slept on the sofa for 2 years) and couldn't remember our wedding vows - because he was high. Separated a couple of years ago - 2 mid-aged-kids. Part of the cause of putting up with his shit for so long.

Everyday I wish I could have made our 'family' work. But you get to a point and you think "you know? I can't do this shit anymore". We are extremely amicable and he is a brilliant father - just not for me.

Do not stay. I would take being separated over all the shit I put up with; his anxiety; addiction and fucking vile moods any day. I never thought I'd manage to get through it and things aren't 'perfect' but as I said above I am so much better and stronger now...

You only get one chance

The feeling goes. Just think how much worse it would be to change your mind now only to have to break up with him again in 6 months time. In the words of Winston Churchill:
When you are going through hell, just keep going!

I slept on the sofa for two years that should have read.

Cannot echo more with PP that kids are amazingly resilient. I didn't believe posters when I used to read posts on here but they really bloody are !

Thankyou all for your advice, suppose you’ve got to deal with the bad stuff to get to the good haven’t you