I've tried googling this but I've drawn a blank. I'm wondering if anyone has experienced similar feelings.
After a sexual relationship with somebody, whether it's long-term, short-term or a ONS, I suffer horribly with feelings of violation. For example, I ended a two month relationship with somebody at the beginning of the year and feel sick, disgusted, dirty, panicked and violated at the memory of him touching me sexually. He was a bit odd and intense but generally okay, and everything we did was consensual.
I know that the root of this almost certainly lies in a history of sexual abuse. There was some sexual abuse in my childhood and two of my long-term boyfriends raped me.
I'm quite a sexual person and for the most part enjoy having sex. I don't experience these feelings while I'm with a partner, only weeks/months after a separation. It frightens me that I feel violated by sexual partners who have done nothing wrong and I worry I'm going to feel this way about everybody I sleep with, including my current partner.
I don't know what's wrong with me. Over the years I've spoken to Rape Crisis, done the Freedom Programme and had therapy. I can't get the memory of my boyfriend before last having (consensual) sex with me...it makes me want to scrub myself over and over until I'm clean and then cry and cry. I feel ridiculous.