Rant rant flipping Disney Dad, how do I rise above it?

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It's getting more and more difficult to think good thoughts and rise above it - no longer am I able to think sunshiny thoughts so my face is made of sunbeams. I'm more wizened crone gritting my teeth so hard they're basically stumps.
My DC are 12 & 9 - any tips, anyone?

They always come up smelling like roses eh? It sucks. No answers just sympathy from me

You are nearly there! The scales will soon fall from the kids eyes and they will know who was there for them and who tried to buy them- who kept them safe and healthy in all the little everyday ways,

It's just unfair that I'm watching every penny, tearful with financial anxiety paying for clubs & lessons etc, when he won't even contribute to school trips costing over £100s.
He earns more than me and thinks £40pw will keep the DC going.
It's just so bloody unfair. He's absolutely rageful that I dared to leave him 3+ years ago, and I MUST PAY.
FFS.

The kids will eventually see that you did all the grafting and he sat back and let you. They aren't stupid.

Just be honest- not nasty, just honest.
"I'd love to take you to xyz like Daddy does, but I've spent all my pennies on food!"
"I'm so pleased you get to do abc with Daddy. He earns lots of money and doesn't spend as much on school uniform, so it's a bit easier for him."

They will realise when they get older

in the meantime

I tried to protect my child from her arse of a dad, who pays nothing but "lurves her". About the age of your youngest I realised my mistake and started to casually point out what I paid for and did for us. Didn't take long for them to see the reality. Still have a relationship with him but they don't trust him like they do me.

I don’t think children should know about finances, it’s all very tit for tat and they should be protected.

He may have more disposable income but you have more time with the children presumably?

*I don’t think children should know about finances, it’s all very tit for tat and they should be protected.
*
Before I divorced him, I too would have said this, but now I'm having to say (what seems like several times a day) "No, we can't afford that ATM"...
It's come to a head as this term my youngest will not be able to go on the school residential as I can't afford it. And this makes me feel like a truly shit parent. And if he knew this, he would be pleased.

It's part of making them financially responsible. My children know how much things cost, how to weigh up two/three family meals at Wetherspoons or one somewhere more fashionable.

They know how to choose between essentials and luxuries. All you are doing is helping them learn those things. No need to be nasty, or make them anxious, just draw their attention to things.

Thank you, Pickle. This is what I try to do.

And always the mantra that time is so precious, something you just can't buy. Children appreciate your time more than anything. Mine did!

It never gets right but mostly I can let it go.

My 'kids' are now 40 and 42. I split with their dad when they were 6 and 8. For a long time I bit my tongue when they 'felt sorry for dad 'cos he doesn't have any money'. As teens, they got his measure. As adults, he remarried and became more stable and wanted to spend more time with them.

Now, most of the time, his wishes override mine because 'he gets upset' when they don't jump to his tune; buy his wife a Mother's Day card. See him on his birthday, her birthday, Christmas etc. etc.

I know they care about me more than him. I know I am the one they want when they are upset, angry, stressed or whatever. AND they tell me first when something to share.

However;

They do love him and they go along with his wishes because it's easier not to upset him, whereas they know I don't make demands or have expectations.

They know my love is unconditional - they still feel that if they don't pander to him, he will let them go again.

Oh OP - can school not help out with residential costs - payment plan over a longer period or subsidised, perhaps? Have you asked?

I think it’s fine for kids to learn about money and costs of life. Not to the extent they worry, but enough so they understand choices, opportunity costs.

Definitely speak to school about paying for the residential - I'd say most would be sympathetic. Do your children get Pupil Premium? If so, I think school could use some of that money towards the cost. Good luck - hope you work something out

Mine are a bit older than yours (17 and 14) but in the truly poverty stricken days for the few years after my divorce (2011) then we lived by the mantra..."you will always have what you need, but you may not always have what you want"

I'm afraid the residential trip would have come under the category of want not need.

LIke Pickles said, you do teach them financial responsibility. Both are genuinely really good with money - not tight, not anxious about it, just understand the value.

Don't worry

I also agree with Pickles.

But this post:
Just be honest- not nasty, just honest.
"I'd love to take you to xyz like Daddy does, but I've spent all my pennies on food!"
"I'm so pleased you get to do abc with Daddy. He earns lots of money and doesn't spend as much on school uniform, so it's a bit easier for him."

It's not that the poster is wrong, but I think if you do this regularly it makes you sound bitter and I think it starts to become 'white noise".

So, yes... you can drop into conversation every now and then. But to keep referencing it? No, I wouldn't recommend doing that.

I wouldn't point it out, I know it's infuriating (i receive no money for both my young children from their father). But there is little you can do. Unfortunately it appears to be pretty standard for the none resident parent to pay the minimum amount possible. It says more about them as a parent then you!

I'm afraid dad doesn't give us enough money for residential trips.

The TRUTH will out