DH gets mean

[wonderwhat]

Married a long time. Primary aged kids. He has a mean/angry streak that I find increasingly hard to tolerate. It normally emerges if he’s not getting his own way or driving (shouting at other drivers). I’ve found coping mechanisms for dealing with that. Ignoring and minimising mainly. Not bad enough to break up a marriage and traumatise the kids. However, one thing I’m really struggling with is how he reacts when the kids hurt themselves. He gets mean/stern especially if they cry and he automatically deems it “nothing” “get up” “get over it” type stuff. Our smallest was running and fell over on concrete. Scraped knees and elbows that were bleeding and needed a plaster. Lots of tears. My reaction is to treat it with a bit of sympathy/humour. Have a quick mummy hug and reassurance “you’re ok” “oh dear let’s get a plaster on that” “deep breath. You’re ok. Lucky your arm didn’t fall off eh” that type of thing. Try and rally but with the understanding that mummy hears you and cares. This seems to infuriate him. I’m really struggling to understand why. If your kid is sat on the floor after an accident why would that provoke a furious/mean type reaction? Why wouldn’t you at least do an “are you ok” “let’s take a look” reaction? Does anyone else have this and can anyone shed any light on why somebody would react this way to their kid hurting themselves? I’m frequently accused of mollycoddling so I’m trying to understand so I can meet him halfway but I’m a naturally hugs and cuddles and expressive kind type of nature so sitting back and watching my small ones hurt and crying and do nothing just seems wrong to me. There doesn’t need to be a drama but a quick hug and a bit of sympathy and then distraction seems to get it all done and dusted within 5 minutes whereas his angry/mean reaction just leaves hurt/sulky/unhappy kids who struggle to then bounce back for the day. Any insights are appreciated

@Jaffacakesaremyfave my ex had all those traits too (apart from purposeful manipulation). He was brought up by an autistic Dad also with anger issues, sensory problems so nature & nuture both not ideal.

@midcenturylegs, my son is ASD and doesnt behave in this way at all. He can understand empathy and show it in his own way. From what OP has described, it doesn't sound like her partner is able to empathise at all. I'm not trying to label him, just giving my opinion as it could be a possibility in the same way you think ASD is a possibility. We could both be wrong or both be right! I think it's just as dangerous to live your life thinking your partner is horrible because of (undiagnosed) ASD rather than just being a garden variety abusive twat.

Either way, this man sounds horrible to live with and I think a very damaging environment to raise children in.

Before I get flamed, not saying it's either but this is a really good article on the topic as i agree there is some apparent overlap on the surface www.google.com/amp/s/www.goodtherapy.org/blog/narcissism-vs-aspergers-how-can-i-tell-the-difference-1114174/amp/

I'd be interested to know how he expects you or others to react to him when something goes wrong for him personally? Does he expect to be chivvied along, brushed off and have any of his problems or difficulties in life minimised?

Or does he get plenty of time, attention and understanding?

Does anyone else have this no because I wouldn't let anyone treat my children like that whoever they are. Would you accept it if your parents/their teacher/a friend got so angry with them?

Also, him shouting/getting angry with you should be totally unacceptable to you.

Not bad enough to break up a marriage and traumatise the kids in my experience children are more likely to be traumatised by a verbally abusive, angry and aggressive parent than a break up.

He sounds absolutely awful.

A nasty mean bully without a redeeming quality.

He is making your life an utterly miserable one.

Make plans and remove your children from this toxic environment.

No father is 10 times better than an abusive one.

You deserve more. You don't need to put up with this x

I know someone like this. I heard him just the other day bellowing at his little girl to "stop being such a baby" because she was afraid of a spider. She must be all of 5.

It's awful behaviour and I wouldn't tolerate a man who treated his children that way. Ask yourself whether it's really worth it.

He sounds like an aggressive bore. Better to be without someone like that, they suck the joy out of everything and it's tedious to put up with for years. I feel sorry for your children. You're holding your marriage together for your sake but what about them growing up with a dad who is Mr Angry particularly when they're hurt.

This will all form part of their childhood memories. Sad.

You don't sound like you have a happy life with this bloke. If you don't want to leave him, all I can suggest is completely ignoring all his foolishness. There is a risk that this might lead to violence that is implied in his attitude.

What was he like when you first got together?

It sounds like it's all about control.

When the children fall and hurt themselves (or you are ill), it's a situation he cannot control. It's unpredictable and he is out of control and he can't stand that.

I think all his problems may well stem from control issues, and I don't think there's much help for him at his age now. He is entrenched in his need to be in control - it may well get a lot worse when the children are older and try to push at the boundaries.

Nasty and aggressive driver?

I do see these people on the road, speeding, cutting people up, beeping and gesticulating furiously even if they're in the wrong - and I suppose I can take some consolation in that I'm not married to one. I think that behaviour is a bad sign on its own, right there. The fact you have to minimise and deflect - hmm.... what does that mean in practice .....