How long to feel safe after abusive relationship

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I was reading this online today www.bbc.co.uk/news/amp/uk-49481998

ExH got to stage 5/6 after we split he was stalking/harassing “you can’t move without me knowing about it” and making threats to either kill me or himself. I got a restraining order which lasts until next year. We have a child and he has regular contact through a schedule we agreed, communications mostly through a third party.
He started a relationship soon after we split but still harassed me while he was in it. He has now been in a different relationship for 5 months and seems settled and calmer. We only communicate about contact, he is still nasty and uses contact to play games sometimes but mostly seems calm and reasonable.
I don’t feel that I could openly have another relationship because I wouldn’t want to ‘set him off’ again and still worry that if his current relationship ended he would start harassing me. Although he seems to have moved on I just don’t trust that I am free of him.
Can anyone who has been in a similar position tell me how long it took or what it was that made you finally feel that you were safe and free from your ex. I can’t afford to move away and think he would follow or try to get custody if I tried anyway. Do I have to wait until my child is grown up?

I'm in a very similar situation to you and also feel conserned about triggering my ex (even though he has been in a relationship for about 2 years).
I have dated but tbh I couldn't handle it mentally, felt like it would esculate him further.

Honestly I'd say a good 10 years.

I'm at stage 6 with an ex who has stalked me for two years, despite not having children together and not being married. I live in fear of "setting him off". I haven't spoken to him in over a year. Just when I think he's given up, he appears again. I'm afraid he will kill me.

NuclearBricaBrac that’s awful I hope you have some good support and people you can call on when you’re most worried and that the police aware of it and that they have given you some advice.
Seems so unfair that the person who causes the issues can have new relationships and crack on with his life but I know how he is likely to end up reacting if I tried to do the same or if it goes wrong for him. But then I wonder if I’m being ott now and maybe it would be ok. But having peace now means it’s not worth taking any risk of going back to square one.

Hi op can you look at getting the restraining order extended in any way.
Maybe women’s aid could advice. Bloody bastards aren’t they.
You are allowed a life - how dare they - I understand you are still fearful of him.
I’d start reporting him to the police again if he’s kicking off and being abusive.
He’s moved on but you can’t? He’s still controlling isn’t he.
I’m projecting my own rage from my abusive ex too into this message.
I hope you all have family/friends who can give you support.
Have you done the Freedom programme?🌺

Mary1935 since I got the restraining order he’s stopped stalking (he was regularly following me/telling me where I’d been/sitting in his car by my house/work) and I’ve blocked all points of contact from him except email so the harassment and threats have stopped it’s just petty arguments he tries to start about contact etc and he’ll criticise me anyone he can e.g. parents at the school/DS’s activities etc but I just ignore that stuff.
So I think maybe he has moved on and I’m being silly now because he’s not actually doing anything wrong. But then I think about how scary and relentless he was and how Jekyll and Hyde he can be and I still worry about doing anything to catch his attention or set him off. But that’s just me thinking that now rather than him doing anything. I’m lucky that it is over for me now but then I can’t help but still worry that it’s not, but without reason, iykwim.

Remember though they haven't really moved on if there investing time and effort into still being abuse towards you.
Your be free one day as you haven't got that kind of negative and nasty mindless, they will never be free of themselves. Xx

OP, you can’t let this prick continue to control your life, or you may as well never have left!
Have you considered that it might actually work the other way round - if he knows you have a new man, he may see you (in his warped abusive way) as the other man’s “property”, and leave you alone?
I’d be very tempted to let him see you out on dates with a six foot four inch, rugger playing soldier or martial arts expert. Someone he wouldn’t dare mess with!
The right time to start dating again is when YOU feel ready and want to. Sod what he thinks about it. If he gives you any bother about it, report him to the police immediately.
You are entitled to have a life of your own OP.
My only caveat is make sure you don’t repeat the pattern and choose another abuser. Do the Freedom program, have counselling, whatever you need to build your self esteem and reinforce your boundaries, before you start dating.
Good luck!

Thanks Babdoc that sounds like a fun idea but I don’t think there’s anyone he would be scared off by he’d just pick his timings more carefully! But you’re right. I want to move on, will tread slowly. I don’t want to do any programs, I feel stronger now I’ve left than ever before and just want to put it all behind me, I’d run a mile from any warning signs. I think I just wanted people to say “Yes after (time period/his new relationship) everything was calm and normal forever” but that’s probably unrealistic.