SIL Awkwardness…Help!

[fizzy1234]

The awkwardness has always been present in our relationship. She is an extremely quiet person, it’s really like pulling teeth trying to get anything out of her. Anyway, the problem is that I’ve always felt that the relationship has been one-sided but regardless I always made an effort with her. We got on well with each other at the very start until I started realising recently that my efforts weren’t been appreciated or reciprocated. Every so often, I would try and arrange to go out with her and then on the day we are supposed to go or the day before, she cancels or sometimes doesn’t even make me aware and stands me up. In the past, I would occasionally drop things off round her house however I would just be left and the door. I always found it strange that she has never once invited me into her home unless it’s a family gathering.
I do think she is a naturally ignorant individual. When she is round other people, she is very reserved and has also demonstrated how selfish she can be. Now, this is going to sound very petty of me but since the very start, I’ve always asked what she has wanted for her Birthday, being the materialistic person she is, she always asks for something expensive off of us (Me and my Partner) nevertheless, we have always bought it for her. For the past few years, I have only received a card which I find odd seeing as my partner still receives gifts off of her for his Birthday. To add, l the awkwardness has now been heightened since I have not been visiting her MIL due to issues I have also had with her! (see in my previous thread I posted). My SIL has been ignoring my messages and has only been communicating with partner. Also, we were not invited to a party she had a few weeks ago which I was quite hurt about. My partner was not so bothered as he is not very social and doesn’t enjoy family events. This could be underlining factor in why she has taken a dislike in me… My Partner is socially awkward individual and as much as he loves his family, he finds it hard to express that. I don’t think she or anyone in his family understands that and maybe has blamed his lack of presence on me.
The atmosphere is now very hostile and I feel as if the family have turned against me for no apparent reason. She has an adorable daughter who I love and want us to have a relationship with.

Do I keep trying with this woman???

Please tell me, am I overacting and what is your relationship like with your SIL?

I don't understand why you want to keep trying? It doesn't sound like she wants to be friendly, your DP isn't bothered by family get together, you don't sound like you like her so why bother forcing a friendship. I'd leave it to DP to buy presents for birthdays

But she's your SIL -- she's only randomly in your life because of who you married, rather like a work colleague being someone who know purely because of your job. Why are you so concerned about forging a relationship she's made it very clear that she doesn't want? Your efforts aren't being reciprocated because she doesn't want to be your friend, but I don't see why you are so aggrieved about it.

Standing you up and last-minute cancellation is poor behaviour on her part, obviously, but your comments about her being 'quiet' and 'reserved' are a bit strange -- if you don't like her (you also describe her as 'ignorant' and 'selfish'), why on earth are you so annoyed she's made it plain she doesn't want to be your friend???

And in answer to your question, I have four SILs -- one of them I am very fond of, and in regular contact with, another I like but only see at infrequent family events, one I've only met about three times, and one I haven't seen in more than ten years because she and her DH are estranged from the family.

None of them are my 'friends', though. I don't see any of them individually.

She is more comfortable keeping you at a distance and you keep trampling over her boundaries. You seem to be accepting of your partner being 'not very social' and 'socially awkward', but consider the same traits in his sister to be 'selfish' and 'ignorant'.

I get on well with one SIL, I would like her even if we weren't related by marriage. I am polite but distant with the other, we are very different people so, although we don't dislike each other, we wouldn't naturally form a friendship.

@KeepStill
I'm only trying to think about my niece and my partner. I don't want to be seen as that woman in the family who caused it to become dysfunctional. She hasn't made it clear exactly that she doesn't want to be my friend but has demonstrated very odd behaviour towards me. The reason I stated that she is quite, reserved and selfish is that she is also like that around other people, not just me so do I put down to how she is or her genuine dislike towards me?

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar

I don't believe this is true when a few months ago, she was moaning at my MIL that we didn't make enough effort with her OR her daughter.

But surely your partner, however socially awkward, is capable of running his own relationship with his sister, if he wants to maintain one? If it's not a priority for him, I really don't see why it needs to be for you, or why anyone would think it was anything to do if you if they didn't?

Plus from what you say, your SIL and your partner do communicate, and she sends him birthday presents -- so clearly there's a relationship. Maybe she didn't invite him to her party because you say he hates that kind of occasion.

In the nicest possible way, OP, your partner's family have known him far longer than you have, so I don't think you need to bustle in and start 'solving' things. It sounds as if you're making the whole family dynamic all about you.

She doesn't want a one-on-one relationship with you, clearly, and you need to come to terms with that. And it's perfectly possible that your attempts to force a relationship are what is creating the 'hostile' atmosphere. Back off, let your partner manage his own relationships with his family, and see if things improve.

I have a sil who probably feels the same way as you. I don't want to be her friend, we have nothing in common and I much prefer to be on my own. We have been away with our partners/in laws and we get on but we are completely different people. I sometimes wonder if she thinks I'm rude/ignorant but I'm a shy person who finds it difficult to say no. So I tend to avoid doing things and end up cancelling last minute after days of worrying. She's lovely honestly, we are just so different. Try not to feel like she doesn't like you.