Getting "over it" - struggling

[CheeseOnEverything]

Hi all, I posted here around a year and a half ago, I was one of many in the "I love you but am not in love with you" camp for a few tormenting months, and everyone here advised me and offered a lot of support.

Here's what happened since: I finally told him to leave last summer, which he happily did. A few months later, I found out he had, in fact, been cheating with a work colleague. A month later I found out she was heavily pregnant (she was actually pregnant before he left the house). A month later we had to tell our own 7-year old about the other woman and the other child. Another few months later, the baby came. A month later he started reaching out to me for one-hour phonecalls every week for I'm not sure what reason other than to explain he doesn't love her and he misses our family. One month later, he left the other woman and the baby. Another month later, he introduced our child to his new girlfriend, another co-worker - the one I initially suspected was the affair.

I AM EXHAUSTED. It's always something. Just when I think I picked myself off the ground and am stable and moving forward, something happens that throws me off-balance again. To top it off, this week my child asked if we can split her time half/half between me and her dad (he used to have her one weekday and every second weekend). Which I agreed to, because it's what she wants and I'm not gonna use her as a bargaining chip. But it hurts like hell. How many bills do I still have to pay for this situation he put us in? How much more time do I have to spend away from my child? When is this over? I lost my job, lots of weight fast - which in turn made me sick, lost a lot of my hair because of the stress. I fixed it all slowly - got a new cool job, hair started growing back, being skinny certainly helps with dating. I know my question is dumb, and the answer is probably "Tuesday". I just need a bit of hope and support to get over this hump.

Sorry I won't be much help but just to say it will all get better eventually. Your ex sounds awful and as your DD grows up she will see him for what he is, he will probably go through many women. She is young and doesn't see him as much so it's natural she will ask to see him more, it's no reflection on your relationship with her.

That's shocking OP. So sorry he did all that to you. So obvious his phone calls during that time period were so he could feel like he had a soft place to fall as a Plan B backup option.

Please allow yourself permission to feel OK about not feeling OK right now. Looking at your timeline, this all only started 18 MONTHS AGO! For me, it really helped to give myself the same understanding that I'd give to a friend in the same situation.

I reckon you will be able to use 50/50 care to your advantage. You are the one with most to gain from this arrangement. You will have half the week to yourself to do whatever you want! This is your reward for being mature minded & not using your daughter as a pawn.

I think "Getting Over It" phrasing should really be "Getting through it".... or "Moving past it". This is a transitionary phase of learning, growing & self discovery. You need to find things to be interested & passionate about, especially things that take up a lot of your personal time. One of mine is true crime documentaries, then getting obsessed with certain cases & learning all about them. Recently learnt about Jonestown & what the phrase "drinking the Kool Aid" derives from WTF! >>> pursue things that fascinate you & become absorbed in them.

Console yourself with the fact that you don't have this pratt living with you and cheating on you all the time. Try to confine your contact to interaction about your child. TBH you are a better woman than me letting an 8 year old make such a major decision .

I would be more concerned he doesn't want 50/50 because it won't suit his lifestyle. But it would suit the OP for him to step up & let her have half the week to be footloose & fancy free.

She sounds like a wonderful person to have kept her pain private from her daughter & not used her as a weapon. Too often on here you see people who don't put the kids 1st. I am not suggesting the OP should not miss having her daughter around, just that ultimately there is much more positive than negative.

Thank you all for your words. Sometimes it’s good to just hear “it’ll get better”. My daughter’s decision hurt a lot and gave me a bit of abandonment PTSD.