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Original poster

New relationship advice

11 replies

PennyPittstop · 27/08/2019 22:14

My friend came to me for advice today about a new man she has been seeing but I've been with my DH for years and I know that the dating scene has changed considerably over the last few years so I thought I'd ask here on her behalf.
Long story short, she and this guy she has been seeing are in their early 40's. She separated from her DH last December and the man separated from his DW in January. Both have kids etc, both marriages are definitely over. My friend and this man used to be work colleagues working in close proximity to each other and always had a spark between them. They've known each other about 5 years and but only began seeing each other a couple of weeks ago after he got in contact with her. They have had a couple of dates and things started to get intimate on their last date. Friend is getting upset because on the last date (on Saturday) he was asking when he could see her again but since then he has been very slow responding to her messages,much slower than normal. She now thinks he is playing her or lost interest since they have ended up in bed together.
I've said that I think perhaps he could just be busy and give him a break, let him chase her a bit etc but as I say, I'm very out of touch with the dating scene now. She is convinced that he is going to dump her. Is there any advice that lovely mums netters can offer? I will be showing her this thread tomorrow. Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
crappyday2018 · 27/08/2019 22:34

It doesn't sound good OP. He may have gotten what he wanted, now he is slowly ghosting her. Its very common sadly. Tell her to back right off and let him come to her. That will tell her everything she needs to know.

Original poster
PennyPittstop · 27/08/2019 22:58

Isn't ghosting when they completely disappear and cut all contact? He has been in touch with her over the last couple of days but she said it's only been a couple of messages instead of the normal lengthy messenger chats they were having. I do find it odd that someone she's known for 5 years and actively looked her up to get in touch would suddenly cut contact but stranger things have happened. Both have busy jobs and both have a lot of baggage after relatively recent marriage break ups.

OP posts:
rvby · 27/08/2019 23:04

Ime if messages start to feel awkward, it's not a match, and someone of the two can tell. So it starts to feel wrong, distant.

He may not have felt a physical spark when they got intimate and now feels awkward about how to proceed, doesn't want to hurt or embarrass her and therefore doesn't feel he can be honest. That's happened to me tbh. It's one of those things.

Please dont let your friend do that thing that some women love to do, where they bitch about the man "getting what he wants" and "ditching" her. A man who has intimate contact with a woman and its what he wants (I.e. its enjoyable to him) isnt going to ghost the woman. A man who gets intimate and doesn't enjoy it (ie its NOT what he wants) is the one who will ghost because he feels awkward and shit about it. It's called being human, it's not pleasant but its understandable.

ComtesseDeSpair · 28/08/2019 23:10

It really could be either her theory or yours.

I think that the ability to be in constant contact with people results in a lot of second-guessing and insecurity that isn’t really good for anyone: even 20 years ago before smartphones and unlimited internet access, you made plans to see someone and might perhaps schedule one phone call between times, but there was none of this several times daily checking in with each other and aimless “good morning, how are you”, “what have you been up to today?” type messages to-ing and fro-ing all day long, with sender and recipient having expected timescales for responses. Not everyone finds messaging enjoyable and I think it’s common for it to start petering out after a few weeks once the novelty wears off.

Or, maybe she’s right and now he’s got what he wanted he’s going to move on. Your friend should look at the silver lining in that: isn’t it a good thing she found out early that he was that sort of man and that things weren’t going to go anywhere between them?

I’d advise her to suggest another date and see if he’s keen to do that. If he is, and it goes ahead and things are good in person then great - he’s just not Mr Texty all the time. If he drags his feet or makes his excuses then she has her answer and can just let things tail off.

bluebell34567 · 28/08/2019 23:18

if he was busy with his children he would tell i guess.
it sounds like he wants to come out the relationship.
i wouldnt text him.

Original poster
PennyPittstop · 29/08/2019 09:54

Thanks all, I have shown my friend your comments and she's grateful for your opinions. He is still contacting her, just a couple of messages a day but they have been flirty. They have however only been in response to her messages but he does respond. She has decided to back right off for a few days and see if he suddenly contacts her. Personally I suspect he will & she's just being too needy at the moment. He's known her long enough to know exactly what she is like as a person so I don't think he would have gone to a fair bit of effort to get in touch with her out of the blue if he wasn't genuine. She is also apparently the first person he's seen since his marriage ended so I personally think perhaps he's just wary about things progressing too quickly now that both of their marital circumstances have changed. I've suggested that she waits until early next week and then pops him a message to see if he fancies grabbing a coffee but in the meantime get out and do some fun stuff and not mope about him.

OP posts:
Original poster
PennyPittstop · 29/08/2019 09:57

Oh, when he asked at the weekend when he could see her she told him that she wouldn't be able to do anything this week because she had stuff on so I'm wondering if he's giving her the time to do her own thing without him pestering her.

OP posts:
NameChangeNugget · 29/08/2019 13:53

she's just being too needy at the moment

My thoughts entirely

Robin2323 · 29/08/2019 14:01

So she's turned him down with no alternative date?
Maybe he feels she's Cooling off ?

Original poster
PennyPittstop · 29/08/2019 15:03

Well he messaged her today and asked if she was free this weekend. Friend now feels a right idiot for being so insecure. Fingers crossed he turns out to be one of the genuine good guys out there because she is a lovely person and it'd be nice to see her happy after what has been a couple of rubbish years for her.

OP posts:
Robin2323 · 29/08/2019 17:27

Good up date.
Tell her to be her lovely self , stay calm and let him 'chase '.
But not for her to run too fast lol.

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