No idea what to do

[dontknowwhattodo19]

This could be long. Dh and I have been together 10 years. Married 3. One dc who is 4.

Things are not good. I have some issues from childhood that I am working on. I've been bullied my whole life. Ridiculed for my weight mainly by my father and generally bullied in to always agreeing with other people's opinions. I am a people pleaser. Trying hard not to be but I am.

Dh blames my issues for everything. If I don't agree with him then I'm just picking a fight according to him. He tells me I'm wrong about anything I have an opinion on.
Then he complains that I just tell him what he wants to hear.

I do. Because I'm always wrong anyway so what's the point in sharing my opinion?

He told me 2 years ago that he's only here because of dc. That hurt and I've never really been able to forget it.

He doesn't like me. He blames me for his weight problems but he's so fussy I don't know what to feed him. He won't eat "messy" dinners. Doesn't like chicken turkey pork chops or steak.
I don't do the shopping properly. There's never anything to eat.
Cupboards are always full. He says I only buy what I like.

He refuses to come shopping so I'm always guessing.
He makes me cry. He doesn't care that he makes me cry.

If we're fighting and we meet in a doorway he shoulders me out of his way. He's a lot bigger than me.

My father beat me quite badly as a child and he knows that. He uses my childhood and family issues against me. He hates me. And he says it's all my fault.

I feel so stuck. I'm sitting in the car crying, typing all this out. It looks so bad.

He's a great dad to our dc who adores him. He used to be really nice to me.

Last week he even threw it in my face that I like to pick my own jewellery and apparently when he buys it the girls in the shop always remark on how I know what I like.

Dc is amazing. The love of my life and a happy little soul thank god. The majority of the fighting is away from dc thankfully.
I can't afford to be on my own. He earns far more than me.

I can't win. I'm so sad.

I've been here a few years but name changed for this.

You poor thing.

So you have a choice. Live with a man who you admit, doesn’t like, makes you cry, blames you for everything and won’t listen to you.

Or make plans and leave him.

I know which one I’d choose.

There are ways to leave even if you don’t have much money.

Would you phone Women’s aid?

I've thought about it but I feel like it's not fair because I'm not afraid of him.

You need to make a Plan to leave. You need to.

Do you think every women who leaves is afraid of their H?

No of course not.

He’s awful to you- that’s a good enough reason to leave.

That's what I'm so afraid of. I'm afraid to leave. I don't know where we'd go. I'm so afraid.
I used to be so independent.

He's emotionally abusive.

You have a claim on any marital assets, he'd be expected to pay child support, you might get help as a sole parent - there's always a way out.

@LizzieSiddal he is awful to me. He tells me I'm a fucking idiot. He tells me I haven't got a clue what I'm talking about.

He really hates me

@category12 we're in the middle of buying a house. Deposit saved 50/50 even though he says I don't contribute anything as he is the higher earner

Pull out of the house-buying and use your share of the deposit to get the hell out of the relationship.

@category12 would it be a really bad idea to wait til we've bought the house and kick him out? Dc and I would have a forever home that way

How exactly are you going to kick him out? What if he says, "no, if anyone goes, it's you, I've got the same rights to this house as you do?" Is he likely to go on your say-so? Because if he refuses to leave, you're both stuck there until one of you forces the other out legally or you sell up.

I don't know. If I lose this opportunity I'll never get the chance to buy again. Fucking hell this is a shit show

You don't know what the future holds in terms of how your life will change and what opportunities may come along. You do know what this relationship holds.

It's very unlikely he's going to buy a house with you and then just meekly walk away from it and let you have it.

Sorry OP but there’s no way he would let the sale go through then let u kick him out. You need to get some advice, citizens advice, woman’s aid anything. You could rent a house for you and DC. You can claim tax credits and other benefits if needed.

You say if you lose this house you won’t get the opportunity to buy again, how do you know? You could meet someone perfect for you in the future and get a mortgage together.

You need to get out of this relationship for the sake of DC and yourself. You won’t be able to hide it forever and do you really want your child witnessing how he treats you? He’s going to damage your mental health if he hasn’t already. Please leave this horrid man.

My son told my mother that mammy cries when daddy shouts at her😢

Aw love . I know it's hard to let go of the house idea, but you need to get out.

As a first step can I suggest you do the Freedom Programme OP, you can do it online or in person and I think it might help. There is a way out for you but you need to be in the right place mentally to be able to see it.

Talking (and reading) here will help too, I've learnt a huge amount about abuse and how to spot it on this board and there's a wealth of experience about how to get out amongst the posters here. There will be a way out though OP, you just need some help to find it

Oh OP, I think you need to realize first off that a man cannot be a grest father while simultaneously making the child's mother miserable and being cruel to her. That sets up an unhealthy dynamic in the household, whether it invokes a protectiveness for the mother, or an alignment against the mother, neither scenario is healthy for the child. It's much more respectful (if he truly doesn't want to be with you) to end things amicably and coparent in a way that supports each other.

As for your husband, he is verbally and emotionally abusive, at a minimum. Name calling? Incredibly immature. I think you need to focus on an exit plan.

You're all being so kind to me. And I feel so stupid for letting myself get into this situation in the first place.
I'm letting my little boy down. I've let myself down so badly too. I'm just so afraid of the unknown.

I'll look into the freedom program tonight.

Maybe speak to a lawyer on the house point, then you will have the full picture.

@dontknowwhattodo19 if your son is noticing that you cry when his dad shouts at you he’s probably noticed a lot more too. Please seek help and get out. You don’t want your son to start thinking it’s acceptable to treat women this way. I really hope you get the help you need