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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

bf hiding things? im confused

8 replies

MissFloof · 27/08/2019 18:57

So, this story is really long but I'm going to shorten it the best I can.
2 months ago I had a baby.
2 weeks after having the baby I was made to go into a mothers and baby unit with post natal depression half way across the country. I was in hospital for 3 nights with 24hour care and at the unit for 2 weeks until i discharged myself.
I came home and my relationship with my boyfriend was rocky. He was mean. Didn't do any house work, barely helped. the flat was digusting, our rabbits poop crushed into the carpet in four rooms. Mold cups in the kitchen. He then told me he would never forgive me for "trying to kill our baby" (to clarify, I didn't. I had intrusive thoughts and I am the one who called for help)
I then found out while i was in the unit he had been spending time with this female friend. thought it was odd that he lied to me/didn't tell me because I had no issues with her or women in general. I thought something was weird... I, regretably, looked through his fb messages with this woman (he doesnt hid things from me normally and our relationship had sudenly gone to crap)
I found:
a picture of this girl just wearing a towel
flirty messages
him telling this girl he was going to leave me if i didn't talk to him and that I had been a bitch when i came home from the unit
And a message that had been deleted, followed by " i dont want her (me) reading that and getting the wrong idea, she wont like it" and the girl jokingly saying my name repeatedly saying she was going to tell me.

i confronted him. he said the deleted message was him joking about having sex with her.

fast forward. several conversations/ arguments later i said i wouldn't be comfortable them together anymore. we went back to normal. i went home, stayed with my parents for a week to relax.
week later he tells me he's going out on the 20th to football. (he doesn't like ftb) i think nothing of it and the ask who with... with her. we argued. i said " i cant believe you are telling me you are going to leave me at home with our daughter to go out with a woman i told you i wasnt comfortable with. heated argument, him blaming my postnatal depression and anything to justify it.

i come home. i'm finally honest with him. i told him my issue was that he lied to me and crossed boundaries with this woman. that he hadn't supported me during my illness. he had been mean to me. does no house work. leaves me at home with our girl and goes out and gives me no time for me because im caring for her and the animals i told him i couldn't be with him anymore.

he begged me to stay and that he was sorry.
some time has past and we are working on our relationship. he's helping out a little more...

he went out drinking with friends the other night. that's fine. he said he would be back by a certain time. he didn't. he also forgot his key. i was a little upset but its okay.

the yesterday he said " can i go out for an hour to bike ride"
i said yeah sure. he was gone for 3 hours and forgot to wash the baby bottles, his one household job he said he would do.
i then found a beach ball in the hall way. i asked him "when did you get that ball?" yesterday he said. he then told ,me he walked into a group of people he knows at another pub.
he went to the beach with this girl.

the thought of them being half naked in the ocean together is driving me crazy. why didn't he tell me yesterday when i asked him what he did and how was his bike ride. is he trying to hide this from me?
he said he would have no more contact with her and now they are going to the beach together?

i'm so confused. i still have postnatal depression and finding it hard to understand what to feel. please can you offer kind support/advice?

OP posts:
RLEOM · 27/08/2019 19:02

Get
Rid
Of
This
Bastard

I was in a similar position. PND (because of him), new baby, emotional affair, treated me like i had no feelings. Left the a-hole. Best thing I ever done for my sanity.

RLEOM · 27/08/2019 19:04

This could drive you into depression again. This is meant to be your happiest time. Don't let him scar you anymore or ruin your time as a mother. You can't get that time back. You'll spend all your time consumed with what he's up to. Flowers

Charlesandfred · 27/08/2019 19:57

It sounds to me like you have done most of the last few months with very little support. I think you are stronger than you realise. He is taking you for granted and being very insensitive. Becoming a mum is wonderful time, but not always the easiest. I too had PND with my second DS. Stay strong and remember your baby will always think you are the best person in the whole world.

Rachelover40 · 27/08/2019 20:29

I remember you posting about this before. Things obviously haven't improved. He sounds appalling! He contributes so little you might as well be on your own with your baby.

tisamadworld · 27/08/2019 21:20

I'm so sorry to hear you've been through this. You are very strong and I wish you all the best. His behaviour is incredibly blameworthy and quite frankly disgusting, I would suggest leaving him. I imagine you would be far better off long term without his bad energy draining you and putting you down, even though it may be hard and painful initially.

SignedUpJust4This · 27/08/2019 22:38

RleOM said it best. Do t waste this precious time thinking about this loser. He's not Dad or partner material.

Needsomebottle · 28/08/2019 08:17

I agree that it sounds like you are managing your baby pretty much alone anyway. I don't think I've ever said "LTB" but will do here.

Imagine caring for your baby without the hindrance of this vile man around the house and without the emotional drama that goes with it. Just you and your baby. Calm, serene atmosphere. House as you left it when you went out. Imagine that. He appears to be bringing you nothing but heartache and he is ruining your precious time. You don't get this back. And if you ever have a baby again you'll have another child there to care for. Enjoy this time when it's just you and bubba.

ems137 · 28/08/2019 08:25

Leave the fucking arsehole.
I really mean it, just leave. I'm sure a lot of your mental health struggles will improve. You won't be stressing about whether he's telling the truth, whether he's spoke to her, whether he's meeting up with her. You also won't be stressing about how shit and lazy he is.

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