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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Strained relationship with my dad getting worse

1 reply

CupcakeB · 27/08/2019 09:15

I have a very strained relationship with my father. He isnt a nice man there's lots of history of lies and he is just a complete narsacist. I'd happily not have anything to do with him however I let him have a relationship with my children he has always been good to them and seems to love them on a count of them being too young to be able to see what he is really like. There small so there is no judgement from them I think that's what he likes.

Anyway he comes round for an hour once a week to see them. All had been going well untill this weekend. He and my daughter (6) got onto the conversation of what she wants to be when she grows up. She wants to be a popstar of course bless her, he told her that her chances where slim and she probably wouldn't be a popstar so needed another option. Her other option was ballerina she does attend dance class so this isn't beyond the realms of Impossible. Again he shot her down and told her the she would have to had been practicing everyday and that most ballerinas are picked up by the age of 5 and that she is basically past it.

So all in all an hour visit and he crushed two of her dreams. I stopped the conversation going any further by telling her she has plenty of time to decide what she wants to do when she's older. But I'm so angry at myself for not telling him how unacceptable his behaviour and comments where the child is 6 how dare he crush her dreams or put doubt in her mind about what she is one day capable of doing. I'm so disappointed with myself where do I go now can I bring it back up do I bother saying anything or just accepted he's a bitter old man and tell my kids to ignore him?

This is going to be full of spelling and grammatical errors sorry everyone.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/08/2019 09:22

It is not possible to have any sort of a relationship with a narcissist.

Your mistake here (and its a mistake that many many adult children of narcissists do) has been to let your children see him at all. He will do the same to them as he has indeed done to you. Not all parents are nice and your dad is particularly awful.

Do not continue to subject your children further to his emotional manipulations particularly after what he has said to your child. That should be your line in the sand here to say no more.

If he is too toxic/difficult/batshit for YOU to deal with, its the same deal for your children as well. As they get older and develop opinions of their own your dad could well use them to get back at you, he could well adopt a golden child/scapegoat dynamic with them and therefore make your life a further misery. Have a read of the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages and read about fear, obligation and guilt too.

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