I'm a single mum with an 11 year old. Her Father left when she was 7.
Two years ago, I met someone and we really hit it off. This isn't really relevant, but to avoid pronoun confusion, this new partner is a woman. She moved in 9 months ago, having known my daughter from a few months before that. At the time they seemed to really hit it off.
However, over time my partner became less and less patient with my daughter, and started to shout at her with alarming frequency. When I tried to get my partner to calm this down, she said it was my daughter's fault because she doesn't behave and shouts at my partner. I tried to explain that children are very good at giving what they get, so the first step in calming things down needed to come from her. I showed her the 123 magic technique, to give her an alternative.
Not much changed, and it escalated to swearing at my daughter, frequently, and name calling and character devaluing. I said that this had to stop immediately, and the swearing became less often but not much else changed.
I begged and begged. Tried talking to my daughter about what was happening. At this point, partner seemed to be holding a lot of resentment towards my daughter, claiming she couldn't see why she needed to be polite to a child who wasn't polite to her. To be clear, it's not as though my daughter was continually disrespecting her, it was more that sometimes they'd get into a fight, and 11 year olds tend to fight dirty when it comes to a verbal slanging match. Sometimes these things were so bad, at the time it felt very necessary to tell partner this wasn't ok immediately and in front of my daughter.
At this point, we are arguing a lot (about this, and a general lack of appreciation for me from my partner). One night my daughter was being a bit of a monster at bedtime, and got into a strop where she nearly said she didn't want to say goodnight to Mummy. She caught herself at the last minute, and was just about to say goodnight to me, my partner shouted at her to go to bed without saying goodnight. My daughter was very upset and refusing to go to up the stairs, and so my partner pushed her, really hard, up the stairs. I hit the roof.
My behavior went a bit crazy at this point, lots of rage and telling my partner to leave me. We had one assessment appointment with relate, where they explained to partner that my daughter's bad behavior wasn't personally directed at her, it was more like my daughter had found an outlet to express anger with her. My partner then started telling me that this proved her point all a long - my daughter was being unfair on my partner, and I needed to stop it.
I started to find things unbearable, and the arguments between us really escalated. One evening, as we were about to go to bed, my partner said something really nasty to me. I challenged this and said this wasn't ok. My partner ignored me, reading her magazine. I pulled it from her hands, at which point she picked up my kindle and threw it. When she saw it wasn't broken, she picked it up and hurled it against the wall to make sure she broke it. At this point I started to feel that the physical behaviour towards my daughter may not be a one off mistake.
Fast forward a few weeks, and one disasterous holiday, I sat my partner down and said whilst she was often great with my daughter, there were some very worrying behaviours. I asked her to look at the NSPCC description for emotional abuse. She said that only 3 things applied - I said that's 3 too many. She then said that this was only someone else's opinion, not fact. I said I was worried and so, for now, could she make sure she was not alone in the house with my daughter, whilst we try and work things out. This was refused, and resulted in a blazing row.
After threatening to hit me (my daughter heard that) I said she needed to leave immediately, with enough stuff for two nights (or as much as she could pack in half an hour), or I would call the police, and she could come back when calmer to collect the rest of her things) She left, and has since tried to make me feel bad about throwing her out because she is sleeping in the car. I asked her to leave at 7pm and she has family within an hour and a half from here.
I am relieved, racked with guilt for putting my daughter through any of this, and desperately sad that I am loosing a partner who is at other times really kind and caring, great fun with my daughter, and gives me amazing birthdays.
I also feel terrible for throwing a partner of two years out like that.
Although the story is even longer than this, and of course there are many things I could have handled better. I'll give more background if needed.