Can't afford to leave...

[Julabean1]

I'm so unhappy and lonely in my marriage. I have three kids 7,5,2 and ever since i came home from hospital with my first ds my husband has checked out of our lives. He makes no contribution whatsoever to the running of the household. We both work full-time but he chooses to work up to 7 days a week to avoid being home with us. He'll often come home from work when the child minder is minding the children in our house and pretend to be sick just so he can get a day in bed.

I'm at my wits end. I'm carrying everything by myself. I can't keep going. I feel so insulted that he cares so little about us. He tells me he loves me all the time but does nothing to shoe it. If he's at home he's on his phone or in bed. He couldn't even be bothered to watch my kids do a little talent show for him earlier.

I would just like to be gone. He has such a negative effect on us all. I can't afford to leave. Has anyone out there got any advice on how to survive if I leave...and is there any government assistance available?

I'm heartbroken for my kids.

Do you jointly own the house? Or renting? I’d go to citizens advice and see what help is out there. If you work you could claim tax credits. You can’t live your life like that. He’s not setting a very good example to your children at all. They’ll already be aware that he can’t be arsed with them. They’ll thank you for leaving eventually.

Not sure what to say here.
On the one hand - you are already carrying it all by yourself. And he is scarcely around. So - if you divorce - not much would change re your life, except the income.
So - maybe the way to think about is changing your outlook? Binding your time and stopping expecting something from him? Find other ways for you to enjoy life and relationships - hobbies, friends, etc.
He checked out 7 years ago.... it’s time you accept it and move on, at least in your head, if not yet physically. And eventually, you’ll get to a point where you can move on physically too, eventually..

I do wonder - why you proceeded having more kids with him after he was the way he was with the 1st kid?

Thanks holymoly. You're probably right about the kids. He bought the house with behind my back about 13 years ago with the help of his father. By the time I found out it was too late to stop it. It was tied into their family business so at the time they didn't want me to have any claim to it. I suppose it would be viewed differently now that we're married and have kids but technically my name is not on anything.

Hi mmmomdd. I had such an amazing bond with my first d's that I just loved being a mum and having a baby. My husband at that time was saying he was suffering from depression so I thought things would come good. But looking back now I just don't think he was ever prepared to put in all the work it takes to have a family life. He prefers his own company and hasn't made any changes in his life at all.

How much do you earn?

Why did you have two more kids with him?

You need to start an exit plan.
Save every bit of money you can
Check the "entitled to website" to give you an idea if you are entitled to working tax credits. Also CMS for child maintenance.

You have a claim on the house and any marital assets because you're married, doesn't matter if you're not named on anything. Not sure how the family business ties into the house - your first move should be to get legal advice on the quiet.

Thanks so much everyone. I'm so sick of feeling trapped.

Get some legal advice and try out calculators like turn2us that can flag up what benefits you might get. Could you start squirreling away bits of money to build up a rescue fund, to pay a deposit, rent upfront etc if you did decide to leave?