Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling A Bit Dissatissfied With My Boyfriend

27 replies

Tolomeo · 26/08/2019 22:06

OK, so I wanted to get together with my boyfriend for a while, after moving in the same social circles, and eventually, he gave in, and we are now an item. We've been seeing each other for around 15 months, before that we were seeing each other for around 6 months before he dumped me, saying he wasn't good at relationships. But we got back together again and things are better than ever. I love spending time with him. He is very good looking and has lovely manners. But some things are bothering me:

  • we don't see each other all that often because we live in different cities.
  • he is very anti-social. He just prefers to stay at home, unless it is something he is making an effort to do with me, to keep me happy. He does then enjoy these things. For instance, this year and last, he point blank refused to go on holiday. This isn't really a problem for me, as I don't mind and actually quite enjoy doing other things on my own.
  • He is becoming increasingly "woke" and very right-on about doing stuff for the environment. He doesn't eat much at all but then he doesn't move around that much so as to burn much energy, and everything, absolutely everything, is super-healthy. It can be a bit wearing because he lives in the city and I live in the countryside and he knows absolutely nothing about farming or food production and isn't interested in finding out.
  • He gave up his career and full time job a few years ago and is left wing, in a trendy way, but doesn't seem to realise that he can afford to do that without worrying about his future because his father is loaded and he will inherit a lot one day, and he was bought his own 3 bedroom period terraced house, plus a flat which he rents out, so he doesn't have a mortgage to worry about. But he has little spending money due to not working and living off a limited income (hence why he doesn't want to go on holiday I think, he likes to treat me and won't let me pay for anything for both of us)
  • I would like to get married eventually and I think he would agree to it to keep me happy, as he usually does but its probably a few years off. I get the impression that if I pushed him too much too soon he would end it, saying I wanted more than he could currently give. Both of us are happy not to have children.

I've never really had doubts about us before, because I was always so keen on getting together with him, but now I'm wondering if I would be better finding someone a bit more active. I am very fussy, so its often a case for me of finding someone who doesn't annoy me, and he doesn't at all, and I still feel all excited when I see him, albeit every second or third weekend. Thoughts please?

OP posts:
PrincessMaryaBolkonskaya · 26/08/2019 22:13

It sounds like you liked the idea of him more than the reality. Is seeing him every two or three weekends enough for you? Is that a relationship?

bigchris · 26/08/2019 22:21

He doesn't sound like a viable option to have a future with tbh

crappyday2018 · 26/08/2019 22:26

He sounds lazy. He's living off his wealthy parents and doesn't appear to be living in the real world. What exactly does he have to offer you?
I couldn't be with someone who thinks it ok to live off their parents and not contribute to society. If he is so 'left wing' and environmentally aware, does he do voluntary work or anything? I'm guessing not.

Original poster
Tolomeo · 26/08/2019 22:37

He's from a mildly aristocratic background. The whole male line were clever enough to go to university, work in professional careers and then they all retired in their mid 30s. Not quite so much money in this generation though! But that's kind of the background. I'm from a sort of similar background, so cannot criticise. I do however run a business and have a good income from that as its been quite successful.

The slightly left wing mindset is just that, a mindset. No volunteering.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 26/08/2019 22:52

Definitely the idea of him, plus similar background is appealing to you. Every second or third weekend is not really a relationship.

I think you are a mild convenience for him at the moment but as you wrote, any pressure and he will be gone or someone else that appeals to him more.

He actually sounds a bit like a career batchelor to me.

Apologies OP, but I think you need to move on.

Ilikethisone · 27/08/2019 06:52

First off, what do you mean that he eventually 'gave in', if I felt do was with me because he eventually gave in, then i wouldnt want to be with him at all. I want him to choose to be with me.

You and this man are not compatible at all. You got so caught up in the chase and convincing him to be in a relationship, you have ignored the fact that, basically, you arent compatible.

category12 · 27/08/2019 07:04

Sounds chew-your-arm-off boring.

GrannyHaddock · 27/08/2019 07:12

This is no good, OP. You and he are hardly matched at all, doesn't matter how good-looking he might be.

KeepStill · 27/08/2019 07:14

You sound as if you badgered him into the relationship in the first place. And honestly, it seems to have taken you a long time to realise that good looks and ‘lovely manners’ (?) do not a relationship make, especially when you think he’s lazy and passive, that he doesn’t eat enough or know as much about food production as you, and is not really left-wing because he doesn’t ‘volunteer’.

Fundamentally, though, he’s not that into you. Just because he apparently doesn’t actually ‘annoy’ you doesn’t make it viable. It’s doomed.

boredboredboredboredbored · 27/08/2019 07:18

You're wasting your time there op. He's an unemployed bore by the sounds of it.

BigusBumus · 27/08/2019 07:21

Wow, does he ever have a laugh? He sounds terribly dull. What goes he do all day?

GrannyHaddock · 27/08/2019 07:23

He's telling you he's bad at relationships; believe him.

Zaphodsotherhead · 27/08/2019 09:35

Are you sure he's not a 'confirmed bachelor' looking to keep family off his back?

He doesn't exactly sound as though he's smitten with you, and you sound as though you've won a goldfish at a funfair and are now bored with having to keep it.

Go and find someone a bit more 'fun'. This guy might look good but I don't think his heart is really in it.

OhHimAgain · 27/08/2019 10:09

Being very good looking and having lovely manners do not a relationship make.

It's all the other stuff that you detail as being a bit uncertain about that are the crux of it.

What he looks like shouldn't really come into it.

Chitarra · 27/08/2019 10:15

He sounds quite irritating to me! But nothing about him is a deal breaker, so it's up to you really. You can carry on like this for a few more months to see if things improve, or dump him and look for someone a bit more dynamic.

ravenmum · 27/08/2019 10:41

Another woman might like him precisely because of the things you listed; just not you.

If you can't think of a list of great things about him that outweigh all the things you dislike then why would you stay with him? Lovely manners, sounds like something your aunty might mention.

Love the goldfish analogy :)

Original poster
Tolomeo · 27/08/2019 11:32

Ravenmum If you can't think of a list of great things about him that outweigh all the things you dislike then why would you stay with him? Lovely manners, sounds like something your aunty might mention.

Oh, there is a whole host of things that are great about him. I just don't like writing them down here because it seems a bit too personal. I said lovely manners, because old fashioned or not, its something that's really important to me. I absolutely cannot abide men who are even slightly crude, or casual or whatever. We are on the same level in many ways.

Love the goldfish analogy

I am not without fault myself. I do get bored with men. Its happened in every relationship I've had, except this one. I've known him for years and I haven't got bored with him yet. I still find him endlessly fascinating.

I don't know what I expected. He was very honest what he was like in inter-personal relationships, and I know he makes an effort for me. I guess I'm just a bit surprised that he is willing to waste his life doing so little. He doesn't make the effort to socialise with other people other than the bare minimum. He turns down invitations so that mutual friends no longer bother with him. He will go to stuff with me. Its a shame because when he has been socialising he is a lot more lively, animated and active, but he cannot see the benefits. Its now become habitual I guess. A lot of it is down to lack of money - he wouldn't go on holiday if I offered to pay for both of us. But its almost as if the lack of money has become an excuse for doing little.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tolomeo · 27/08/2019 11:36

BigusBumus Wow, does he ever have a laugh? He sounds terribly dull. What goes he do all day?

He's got quite a good sense of humour, but you have to know him well for it to come out. We do laugh a lot when we're together though.

What does he do all day? He makes healthy food, which takes a while, reads the newspaper, goes out and does a few errands, cleans his house, goes for a run or a swim, and maintains his properties. I have noticed that he makes excuses not to go outside quite often. He once told me that he hadn't been outside for 4 days. I don't think that's particularly healthy.

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 27/08/2019 11:39

OP you two are not suited. He is not going to change and you feel dissatisfied a year in.

Musti · 27/08/2019 12:29

It sounds like he has issues. And it sounds like the reason you're not bored of him is because he is unavailable. Have a read of mr unavailable and the fallback girl land see if it resonates with you.

ravenmum · 27/08/2019 13:50

The thing is, you can't criticise him for not being the way you think he should be. Instead of doing that, you need to find someone who is the way you think people should be, or as close as you can get. Or change your own ideas. Because you can't change other people.

imamearcat · 27/08/2019 16:42

I think the fact he's rich/good looking and whatever, is masking the fact he's actually a bit of a loser. I say dump him.

FuriousVexation · 27/08/2019 17:00

Poor fucker.

You've managed to coerce him into a relationship twice. What's next?

Rachelover40 · 27/08/2019 17:16

You haven't said how old you or he are.

In your position I'd just try to enjoy the relationship for what it is, in the moment, having fun without thinking too long term. You obviously think a lot of each other.

I have a feeling the relationship will fizzle out but would be happy to be proved wrong.

Original poster
Tolomeo · 27/08/2019 17:43

FuriousVexation You've managed to coerce him into a relationship twice. What's next?

He can't be coerced into anything lol! He's been extremely resistant to other women! I wasn't exactly very coercive, I guess I just didn't give up on him and kept in contact, and then things happened at last (initiated by him).

Rachelover40 I have a feeling the relationship will fizzle out but would be happy to be proved wrong.

He's mid thirties, I'm late thirties. I'm divorced. Who knows? We've liked each other for about 15 years. I think he worries about disappointing me, I worry about him ending it, but he is pretty good company and everything else is right!!

Its kind of hard to explain to people as its not your typical relationship.
.

OP posts: