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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Mum moving away

30 replies

London95 · 26/08/2019 19:59

My parents are moving away quite far but I feel like it's my fault as my mum has said part of the reason they are moving is because me and my daughter don't visit enough and take her out enough but I try but I feel like I haven't put in enough effort with them. It's hard as I'm a single parent and also my daughter is more wanted to see her friends and I don't want to pressure her as we do go and visit every 2 weeks or more and she doesn't really enjoy going to visit now she's older. I've said they are welcome at mine anytime but my mum wants more for us to go shopping or out for a meal. My mum is quite dependant on me for her happiness as she gets upset staying in the house since stopping working due to ill health. My dad said I should of been begging her to stay but a selfish part of me thinks it will be less pressure on me and my daughter in the future as they are moving near my sister but she has a partner and auntie and uncle nearby. But I feel so upset about them going and I feel awful. My dad said it should be twice or three times a week I should see my mum and I feel so guilty I haven't done enough for her but also I don't want to beg her to stay as in a way I feel relieved but feel guilty on my sister. Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 26/08/2019 20:03

Your parents are being completely unreasonable, and it's awful they are now going to lay the same guilt in your sisters lap as they did with you. You have a child and your own life to live, and it seems they expect you to be the only one who makes any effort to see each other. Let them go, and I would have a long talk with your sister about her making boundaries.

AuntieMarys · 26/08/2019 20:04

Ridiculous.
You have no responsibility for your mother's happiness.

Original poster

London95 · 26/08/2019 20:16

I feel terrible guilt on my sister for not begging them to stay but my mum isn't that good with my daughter with negative comments and it's not a healthy relationship between my mum and dad so I don't want to beg her as I feel it would be best for my daughter but I feel so guilty on my sister

OP posts:

Original poster

London95 · 26/08/2019 20:20

I do feel like if I was more involved with them they wouldn't be moving to be near my sister but I can't be too involved for my daughter and the influence of them arguing and my daughter comes first I want to protect her.

OP posts:

StillMe1 · 26/08/2019 20:26

You are not responsible for your mother's happiness.
Equally, you should not be part of your mother's unhappiness
There is a degree of interdependencies on family members.
There should be a balance between the expectations of each side

stucknoue · 26/08/2019 20:33

Is the place they are moving to more suitable for their situation, eg they are moving into retirement housing/bungalow? Is your sister happy?

Neither of you are responsible for her happiness but visiting one a week and a phone call half way in between seems a good level of daughter dutifulness assuming they don't have care needs at present(it upped due to shopping, needing to be there for the district nurse etc later on for us)

Original poster

London95 · 26/08/2019 21:07

My mum has difficulty walking so it is better for her as the house is near the shops as she can walk short distances and my auntie and uncle are there. My sister is really upset as they make her anxiety worse and I feel so bad for her. She has a partner and while my dad is still here it will be easier but he's getting older with health problemsand my mum is only in her fifties so it's a bit worrying when my dad isn't here in the future my sister is worried because she needs me so much it will be hard in the future with my dad not around.

OP posts:

Original poster

London95 · 26/08/2019 21:10

I do phone her everyday but I had to put some distance for my daughter as my mum is quite strict and can say nasty things and my mum doesn't talk to my dad in a nice way a lot so it's not something I feel is healthy for my daughter.

OP posts:

Original poster

London95 · 26/08/2019 21:12

If it was healthy normal relationship I would go all the time but I was trying to keep it to every week or every couple of weeks and when my daughter is at school

OP posts:

MoaningMinnie1 · 26/08/2019 21:15

Have you spoken to your mother about how she speaks to your daughter?

You could go and see her without your daughter but, honestly, I think once a fortnight isn't bad considering you have a lot to do.

Don't feel guilty, think of it as your sister's turn to be attentive and it sounds as though the location of the new house will be better for your mum in a few ways. I expect you'll still see her at times.

barryfromclareisfit · 26/08/2019 21:16

I’m a single mum of an adult daughter. I’d love to be with her all the time but I can’t. She has her life to live. She has to get on with that without feeling guilty, and I have to look for other interests.
Your dad is wrong to make you feel guilty. Let them go to the new house, know that you have done your best and get on with enjoying your life.

Original poster

London95 · 26/08/2019 21:22

She was abusive to me and my sister as kids and my parents had terrible arguments involving mums drinking we were terrified a lot, she's calmed down so much now but she has always treated me worse and she can't cope with my daughter unless she sits still with her headphones on. I feel awful for my sister as she moved when she was 18 to get away. She has anxiety and I know it's going to be really hard for her.

OP posts:

Original poster

London95 · 26/08/2019 21:25

I don't take my daughter if I can help it but the school holidays has been hard with her wanting to see us everyday nearly but I know it's not the best for my daughter she should be carefree, happy, having fun with me or her friends

OP posts:

Disfordarkchocolate · 26/08/2019 21:27

I would be glad they are moving. It's not your job to make your mum happy.

They expect too many visits a week. This sort of pressure will make your relationship with your daughter difficult if it doesn't change. The more time you spend with your mum the less time you have for your daughter, she will end up either full of resentment or not bothered about you. Neither is good.

PhilCornwall1 · 26/08/2019 21:45

Visiting 2 to 3 times a week? That's over the top. I visit mine every couple of weeks and they live a couple of miles away. Maybe some would say I divisor enough, but it works for me.

Original poster

London95 · 26/08/2019 22:03

I feel guilty at feeing glad they are moving but also feel I should try and stop them for my sister's sake. I feel like an awful person for not looking after them enough

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 26/08/2019 22:08

Stop feeling guilty immediately. You know they’re unreasonable. So stop self harming with irrational guilt which has zero basis in reality.

Be grateful they’re going. And don’t feel bad about it! You need to prioritise your own DC and your own life.

Let go of all that old crap and reset your relationship with them.

Original poster

London95 · 26/08/2019 22:11

I feel so sorry for my sister and I'm letting her down

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Cherrysoup · 26/08/2019 23:17

Your sister needs to protect herself. Is she confident enough to tell your mum she can’t rely on her for constant entertainment? Don’t feel guilty, you aren’t in charge of your mum and you can’t control what she does.

Wingedharpy · 26/08/2019 23:38

Sadly, OP, your parents don't sound like very nice people from the description of your and your sister's treatment by your DM when you were children.
Small wonder you are secretly delighted they are moving.
Next time either of them try to guilt trip you, point out that we reap what we sow in this life.
Your sister needs to start as she means to go on with them once they move.
That's for her to sort out.

Thornhill58 · 27/08/2019 01:03

Be supportive by helping them pack. I know is awful for your sister but it is what it is. They want to go? Go.

Pol16 · 27/08/2019 04:19

I feel very sorry for you and your sister. This sort of pressure can create the most awful anxiety and I don’t blame you for being glad they are moving away. You will feel a tremendous sense of relief when they have gone. It doesn’t sound as if your Mum is bringing or has ever brought much to your life and sadly the consequences of her behaviour are that neither you or your sister want to spend time with her now. You and your sister both need to be strong and together when dealing with your mother, putting clear boundaries in place and not allowing her to use emotional blackmail to get her her own way. Your mother wants you to want to spend time with her but unfortunately doesn’t realise that in order for this to happen she has to have offered love and support throughout your life which she clearly hasn’t.

AgentJohnson · 27/08/2019 06:21

It sounds like your parents have problems of their own as individuals and as a couple and rather than work on them they have decided to take it out on you. Given their toxicity, your mother’s attempt at emotional blackmail has backfired because you and your daughter will greatly benefit from the distance.

As for feeling guilt towards your sister, don’t, she has benefitted from the distance and now will have to deal with ensuring your mother doesn’t get the opportunities to overstep her boundaries by having robust measures in place.

Your mother sounds horrendous and your father is enabling her and has probably benefited from you being a buffer to some of your mother’s worse impulses.

Good job of protecting and standing up for your daughter, isn’t it time you showed the same love and protection to yourself? You are not the reason she is who she is and her moving away has absolutely nothing to do with you, it’s just another tactic to punish you about a decision she’s made for her own benefit.

Hopefully the distance will give you the space to work through your dysfunctional family and toxic mother relationships.

Her moving away is a win!

category12 · 27/08/2019 07:14

You're not letting your sister down. It's not your job to run interference for her (maybe it felt like it was when you were dc?), but she's an adult now with a partner to support her.

Your mum's behaviour is her own choice, no-one else's: it's not your fault and not your responsibility to placate her or smooth everyone else's way.

You have your daughter to think about, and you know that your mum is no good for her. Your dd comes first, she's a child. Put her first, and don't feel bad.

starfish2385 · 27/08/2019 11:03

I know these things are never simple or easy to deal with and it sounds like you've had a very difficult time with your parents over the years.

I think honesty is the best policy here. When they say you should see your mum more "I'm afraid that's not possible as her behaviour has such a negative effect on my daughter and she comes first".

If they say you should see her more without your daughter "I'm afraid that's not possible as her behaviour also has a negative effect on me".

You could not control what happened to you as a child. Neither could your sister. However, you can both control what happens as adults. I suggest getting some counselling that will help give you strategies to deal with them. Suggest your sister does the same.

It sounds like they were terrible parents when your were young, that means they have absolutely no entitlement to anything from either of you now they are older. You should feel no guilt for this OP. Well done for putting your and your daughters well-being first

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