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Original poster

Is he really over his STB ex wife?

16 replies

Veda33 · 26/08/2019 16:30

I’m 36, single with no children. I wasn’t looking for a relationship (1 long term abusive one put me off). Would absolutely love to have children though and I’m pretty much set on having a donor.

So, a guy I met through work pestered me and persisted for months and now we’re dating. He is wonderfully kind and seems very into me (perhaps love-bombing?) but there is one red flag that I’m not sure if I’m overthinking... his wife of 15 years left him almost two years ago, she has since moved on with another relationship. They have two young boys, and all seems to be amicable between them. My concern is that he actually isn’t over her and I’m just a rebound for him. In general conversation, he still refers to situations using ‘we’ and ‘our’. He referred to his ‘niece and nephew’ in casual conversation meaning his wife’s.

I completely understand that it takes time to adjust. I used to call my ex’s parents ‘Mum’ and ‘Dad’ whilst we were together. I’m just unsure of what to do in this situation. I’m ready to have a child of my own, I really wasn’t looking for a relationship, but then he pursued me. But we have had a great time together so far. I’m just concerned that I spend a year or so with him and it ends up being a rebound, that it is crucial fertility time wasted.

So I guess I’m asking ‘how big is the red flag’ and what would you do if you were me? Thank you

OP posts:
Hopoindown31 · 26/08/2019 16:32

He referred to his ‘niece and nephew’ in casual conversation meaning his wife’s.

They are still his niece and nephew.

FuriousVexation · 26/08/2019 16:35

he refers to his own children as his neices and nephews?

Funko · 26/08/2019 16:38

I've been divorced years and still refer to my ex husbands blood related nieces and nephews as mine too.

Cos they are... they are my sons cousins and I'm their aunt..?

NewMe2019 · 26/08/2019 16:40

They aren't his niece and nephew. I'm going through a divorce and don't think of STBEXH's niece as mine or my nephew's as his. My aunt's exH's aren't my uncles either.

It may be habit OP. I still say we and I wanted the split for a long time and have moved on happily. It really is just a habit I'm trying to break

Singlenotsingle · 26/08/2019 16:41

Why don't you just talk to him about it?

Original poster
Veda33 · 26/08/2019 16:45

Ok, I understand. I guess I was going off my experiences of no longer calling my ex’s parents, mum and dad - with the difference being we don’t have any children or connection (i.e we no longer have any contact at all).

But I don’t have any issue with that at all, I’m not a mean person by any stretch. So, what you’re all saying is that him using such terms doesn’t reflect on whether he’s over her?

OP posts:
Brakebackcyclebot · 26/08/2019 16:50

I'm more concerned by these words - pestered, persisted, pursued. And you mention love-bombing. Those are MUCH bigger red flags!

NeatFreakMama · 26/08/2019 16:52

Nope no fed flags, try to relax and enjoy it to see if you're right for each other.

Original poster
Veda33 · 26/08/2019 16:53

We have spoken and he has said that he is ready for a new relationship... but I get the feeling that partly he’s just saying what I want to hear and also that if it is a rebound, he won’t know that yet. My question though was more about my circumstances, would you take a chance and give it a go with him, or just go ahead with my original donor plan? I was so sure a few months ago before we started dating!

OP posts:
Nautiloid · 26/08/2019 16:57

I don't think anything you have written points to him not being over his ex.
But I would be Hmm about being pestered to go out with him.

GreenyEye · 26/08/2019 16:59

There will always be history between them, and they will always need to co-parent, and being amicable/friendly is a good thing.

However, if she has moved on, and he is pursuing you, then just go for it. Just dont interfere in his relationship with his kids.

ThatCurlyGirl · 26/08/2019 17:02

He referred to his ‘niece and nephew’ in casual conversation meaning his wife’s.

I was with my ex for nearly five years and a year in his nephew was born. I adored him. From his birth onwards. Looked after him at least 1-2 nights a week and saw him from from baby to toddler.

He was one of the reasons I found it really hard to end the relationship. I still have to stop myself from saying "my nephew" and instead saying "my exes nephew".

Cut your OH some slack on this - if anything it makes him sound SO much more like a more kind hearted person that he hasn't just removed himself from the family bonds made during 15 years of being with his ex.

I hope that makes sense - not trying to minimise your feelings just trying to explain from his point of view and share what I think it says about him.

Apileofballyhoo · 26/08/2019 17:03

I think how he behaves towards you will give you a better indication of his feelings than what he calls his niece and nephew.

PicsInRed · 26/08/2019 17:05

These aren't huuuge red flags OP, the biggest red flag is that something has your spidey senses going. Don't ignore your instinct. Too many women do, to be nice and understanding, and to their detriment.

FilledSoda · 26/08/2019 17:24

The pestering would be more of a concern

Original poster
Veda33 · 26/08/2019 17:40

Thank you everyone 🙏🏽 I can see now that I was overthinking it. @ThatCurlyGirl your post was really insightful, thanks.

Haha yes my ‘spidey senses’ have been triggered @PicsInRed - maybe because I think he may be love-bombing me.

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