Before going into detail I must add that there are 3 children involved. 2 are mine and ex has one. None of the DC are both of ours biologically.
Me and ex partner (same sex relationship) were together for 3 1/2 years and we had our good times but more often then not things were not good.
We managed to keep this from the kids (I hope) but it’s now 3 weeks into the breakup.
Having the time away has made me see things for really what I always knew they were but was in denial of.
Things were not right. I don’t know exactly what it was but there was allot of things that were “off” with my ex.
She said and did strange things right from the start.
Would say things like “sometimes I just want to punch you in the face” but when I eventually bought it up said it was a joke and I would just look for the bad in her and not get her humour. (She was apparently physically abused in a prior relationship so I never understood why she thought that would be funny). She would say mean things (as a joke too - it was her sense of humour apparently) and if I tried to “joke” back she’d pinch me. She once looked me dead in the eyes, stood on my bare feet and twisted her weight down on me (she was a few stone heavier than me so it really hurt!) and when I shouted ouch and swore (I was so shocked and in pain!) she said in a soft voice “oh I’m sorry, I didn’t realise that would hurt” and then said I was terrible for swearing at her.
I tried breaking up a few times but always got sucked back in because I was in love and stupid and she always said she’d change (but then would throw that back at me).
I always had said I never wanted her to change, I just wanted her to be the best version of herself for herself and that I would always support her.
I supported her financially, paid all the rent and bills when we lived together, all the food except a few bags of shopping here and there. I also took on all financial responsibility for her DD’s clothing, uniform, Christmas and birthdays ect. I did all the housework (she then had the audacity to say I was controlling and didn’t let her do anything 😂) when she’d admitted to me herself she expects a clean home but doesn’t like to do it and if she ever did it would be half a job. I gave up my DC having their own rooms and put them in together so that her DD could have her own room. Gave up doing the things I enjoyed because she either didn’t like them or I was the dog sitter to her dogs (who came into my home and chewed hundreds of pounds worth of property up) oh and I was also the dog poo cleaner as she’d never do it and if I kept asking I was “controlling and nagging”. The list goes on, I was so stupid!
My mental health seriously declined over the last 12 months or so but especially this last 6 months whilst my ex made me feel terrible. Emotionally blanked me and made me beg for love and affection. Blocked me physically and whenever I tried to talk about it said I was always finding issues that “weren’t even there”. That’s only the start but I have no need to go into it as I’d be typing forever and that’s not the point to my post.
I desperately almost wanted my mental health to stay bad when we broke up so I could see that it wasn’t the relationship making me feel crazy but actually it’s a huge relief that I feel like I’m getting the old me back. I don’t feel anxious much anymore unless I know I have to see her and I have such a better outlook on life from what I had 4 weeks ago!
At the start of the relationship she was “seemingly” brilliant with my DC but for a long time had virtually no relationship with them, didn’t seem to like them very much (especially my youngest) and emotionally blanked my youngest for a very long time including a holiday we went on for 10 days where she barely spoke to or made eye contact with him. That was a year ago and it never really improved although I’d repeatedly begged her to either try or leave.
I am ashamed I stayed in the relationship. I should have left a very long time ago.
Ex said my relationship with my DC was intimidating and admitted that with her own DD she’d never felt a real bond which I always found so sad. I took on all the emotional and physical needs for her while we were together unless she was with her nan (which was quite allot, her nan said she could see her moving in with her if we weren’t together).
Ex said she doesn’t know how to deal with other people’s emotions as she doesn’t even feel them herself. She said that when I was breaking down and crying to her about the state we were in she felt a bit sad and guilty for me but mostly wished I would stop because it was uncomfortable for her.
I thought for a long time it was maybe depression but she said she wasn’t depressed many times, I genuinely believe it’s just who she is sadly.
I stopped trusting her alone with my DC a long time ago, even stopped the job I did because things weren’t going well when I wasn’t there.
Anyway now we’re apart we said we would maintain contact with each other’s DC.
During the breakup I was very emotional and asked how you can go from knowing a person inside out to just being strangers and ex did a smirk/smile she does at strange moments and said “we’ll never be strangers will we” and I said that yes we will.
Anyway she doesn’t text or anything like that (which I’m so grateful for) and if we do text about seeing the DC it will take her a few days to respond but then contradicts this by during drop off she hung around for 30 minutes and a hour each time. Last time she came she came to the door and said she would stop for a cigarette (I think she thought I’d come and chat with her) but I said that my 2 DC were ready and could get off now.
She’d told me a week after we broke up that she still loved me and, still found me attractive and still wanted to be with me but she could see what she was doing to me.
I don’t know why I’ve given so much to this but basically I don’t feel comfortable with my DC going with her. There was no real relationship between them for a long time before we split so I don’t understand why now.
I absolutely want to maintain a relationship with her DD but I just feel so off about my DC being with her.
I feel so so sad for her DD. She said to me around a month ago that she truly believes her mum loves the dog more than she loves her. That they barely talk when they’re alone together and all she does is play video games and watch films and barely cooks or cleans. She is passed around to her nan, her other nan, friends, basically anyone except her mum allot of the time (her best friend tried to tell me about all this when we first got together but stupidly and naively I was angry with her best friend for speaking about her like that! Weird that they’re friends when she views her that way but that’s none of my business) All I can do is stay a constant in her DD life.
I find it very difficult when it means I have to see my ex during drop offs and pickups but I won’t let that take away the relationship I have with her.
Am I being unreasonable?
I don’t want to be projecting negative relationship feelings onto this situation as it’s different and I don’t want to be unfair and detrimental to my own DC. (It was hugely detrimental that we were together for so long and I’m gutted about that.) I asked my DC If they wanted to see her before they did yesterday for the first time alone since our breakup and told them it was ok if they did and ok if they didn’t but they said that they wanted to so I let them go and they went with her for around 3-3 1/2 hours.
I just felt so anxious about it all but they said they had a good time.
She took them swimming at her mums house (she has her own pool).
The 3 DC played in the pool for a while and then her DD stayed with her nan for the rest of the afternoon and overnight and she bought my DC home.
Is it the right thing to let them go with her?
Sorry for the super long post and thank you if you’ve read until the end!