Have I blown it? Can I fix it?

[M3ssyhead]

Have posted about this before and got some great advice so thought I’d try again as I do value the opinions on here. Apologies as this is really long, and if I end up with a drip feed it's only because it would've been 10x longer if I didn't cut it down!!

Background being I was seeing someone long distance but it was early days. I had initially viewed it as a physical thing and good company due to the long distance. He implied there was more, and I realised he was right. We had said that neither of us were speaking to other people. However, his parent unfortunately passed away. As it was happening, I told him I would leave him to be with his family, but he ended up leaning on me quite a bit throughout the whole process.

He mentioned seeing me a few times but things changed, understandably. He then stopped mentioning it and started to go even more quiet than usual. I tried to step back and follow his lead, but every time I did he would suddenly appear back and keener than ever. I suffer with anxiety and it was becoming far too much for me to handle the constant up and down. I ended up saying to him that I understood that he had a lot on at the moment so we could cool things at least for the time being. He insisted that was not what he wanted, told me to relax, that he just hadn’t had chance to see me.

After a while of cancelled plans, my anxiety got the better of me and I basically said to him ‘realistically, will you be coming to see me again? I understand that you haven’t had chance yet and I know you’ve got a lot on. Don’t take this the wrong way as Im happy to wait until a better time, but I just don’t want to be waiting if it’s something that isn’t going to happen?’

He completely misinterpreted what I said and got defensive. He started saying he can’t be thinking about starting a relationship right now because he can’t put a time on things, I don’t need to wait for him and I should go back to searching for other men as he can’t promise me anything at this moment in time as he needs to prioritise other things. He said I didn’t need to worry about him, not to take it as a dumping, and he isn’t going to be talking to anyone else. He said he does want to see me again if that’s what I want, even if I only want him as a friend and nothing more.

I said to him that wasn’t what I was asking and I wasn’t expecting him to be considering a relationship right now (I really wasn’t). I just wanted to make sure that we are on the same page since we are speaking via text or on the phone every day. I just reiterated that I’m fine to just go with the flow. He said to stop worrying as I have nothing to worry about when it comes to him.

He went away last week, the day after this conversation happened. He didn’t speak to me after this conversation, so I messaged him the next day to say I hoped he’d have a lovely break, and not to worry that I’m thinking badly of him because I’m not, I’m happy with what’s been said. He replied to say thanks and that was it.

I’ve sort of taken the decision to ‘park’ it for now whilst he is away and convinced myself that I will be ok if I never hear from him again as I’ve managed perfectly fine this last week or so. But now he is due back soon and I just have this awful gut feeling that I’m never going to hear from him again and I feel really upset about it. I get that he is on holiday and needs a break, hence why I haven’t spoken to him. And I’m not mad about it. But he has text me every day when he’s been going through things that I never expected him to text me about. He has been online. So I have this awful gut feeling that I’m never going to hear from him again.

I don’t think I’ve realised until now that I do actually like him, and want him to be in my life even if it needs to be very casual or as a friend until he is in a better place. But now I think it’s too late and I’ve blown it.

I just thought I’d post here to get some perspective on the situation and potentially some advice. I know I’ve not dealt with this situation very well and I feel awful thinking about me and my feelings when he is going through such an awful time.

You won't like this advice, but cold turkey is the only sane way forward.

You don't want the same relationship - he wants the benefits without the commitment. You want more and will cling into the crumbs trying to pretend it's a loaf.

Walk away. It'll be hard but far far better in the long run.

Continue non contact. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make it happen.

OP - I am afraid you are using this as a fantasy that gives you an illusion of having a ‘relationship’.
It is completely pointless and won’t lead anywhere.
Neither of you actually know each other in real life. It’s just an escape from reality. It’s easier and safer in so many ways than a real relationship. But it’s an illusion. It doesn’t exist and has no future.
Try and pull yourself out of it and try to return to life that is around you.

it sounds like your anxiety may be causing you to overthink this, try and refocus on something that makes you feel good, if he contacts you he does and take it from there.

Gosh, you're so afraid of showing you have needs, you've almost erased yourself.

This isn't the right relationship for you, and maybe you're not in the right place for a relationship while you don't value yourself.

This guy is a waste of your time. Forget about him. Start looking for someone nice.

See normally I’m very savage in the dating world and I would think like all of you. If someone wants to make the effort they will. But I guess him losing a parent has thrown a real curveball in the situation as everyone grieves differently and it’s not unreasonable for him to need space so I just don’t feel like i can call it. And every time I think that’s it, he pops up with a really lovely message or phone call asking after me. It's really messing with my head.

It doesn’t help that before this all happened, he was the one pursuing me and wanting more than just the physical relationship I had written things off as. I had no anxieties or insecurities until he lost his parent and I’m holding out for that again.

@mmmomdd we have seen each other in person many times before this all happened, quite regularly. It’s only since this all went on about a month ago that we haven’t seen each other.

@myidentitymycrisis you’re right. I’m trying to work out if it’s my anxiety that’s causing this gut feeling or whether I’m really right and it’s over. There is 2 voices, one saying why would he say all this I do still want to see you and I do like you, I just can’t commit to you yet stuff if he was planning to just cut me off? But on the other hand, despite what he’s gone through he’s never not text me whatsoever.

@category12 that does help to hear that. I’ve been beating myself up that asking him if we planning to come and visit I’ve upset him and I’m fully in the wrong. I don’t really value myself to be perfectly honest!!

Anxiety is a terrible spoke in the wheel of long distance relationships.
I feel for you in your dilemma, op.
I have no useful advice, sorry.

Up to two years. That's how long the grieving process takes for most people before they start to come out the other side and begin to feel normal again, and if he isn't ready for a relationship then he isn't ready. There's absolutely nothing that you can do about it other than give him time and space.

None of it is your fault, and to be honest it isn't really his either. Grief does funny things to people and affects us all in different ways. He can't help how he is feeling.

This guy is never going to be the person you want. You'll always feel needy & anxious because he is emotionally avoidant attachment style. He is without a doubt has several women on the go, he is just not that into you & is always going to dip in & out, like the tide... it ebbs & flows, depending on mood. People like this will only serve to destroy your self esteem & spike your anxiety if you continue this.

You may have anxiety problems, but also if you met a guy who was obviously keen on you, I think you would be able to relax & enjoy it a lot more. This guy sounds about as exciting as a wet rag, long distance - next!

Well this has been eye opening to say the least!

I'm so baffled by all of this. Everything was great in the month or so we were seeing each other before this happened. I had absolutely no anxiety or stress, partly because he was pursuing me and telling me he wanted more, partly because I didn't really expect anything to come from it long term. I still don't know if it would logistically. I just know I liked spending time with him and talking to him, and now I feel like I've messed that up by letting my head run away with me. I feel like a prize idiot and gutted.

Can I ask what is so wrong about having feelings ? Sometimes it's refreshing for people to not have to play it so cool & pretend like we're too good to speak to each other. You "let your head get away with you" - you were seeing someone, having sex with them & started to like them.... no shame in that ! It's just fizzled out, there is zero to fix here.

He likes having you there, but not too close. Keep it casual & arm's length. In my culture we are known for being "passionate lovers" so this avoidant style of casual dating is boring.

I would honestly delete the message string, delete his phone #, email & stop contacting him. Maybe not a full ghost but put him in the category of facebook friends you went to high school with - they are there in the background, but you don't actively engage with them.

Nothing really, but now I'm worried that my feelings have put unwanted pressure on a man whose grieving. I do feel bad for that.

Guess I'm just a bit fed up. I don't blame him for not knowing what he wants and for not being in the right place for a relationship, I really don't. It just feels like crap that I gave him ample opportunity to call it quits without it being awkward and he didn't take it, I finally feel secure from what he's said, and then he vanishes!! It's a really crappy feeling and it's making me anxious as anything.

But yes think I just need to forget and move on.