Do I send a msg to ExH's new girlfriend after their horrible row?

[Livedandlearned]

M Ex is abusive, and so awful when he's had a drink. Dd stayed over at Ex's new girlfriend's house last night, and she has sent me texts saying her dad has kicked off and there's been a lot of shouting and screaming from him.

I have dd home with me but I'm wondering whether to offer his gf my support or keep out of it?

He's a narc and if she doesn't leave now she might be caught up in it for a long time. She has two dc of her own and is the same age as me.

Personally, I would keep out.

Why is your child staying the night there? He should have supervised contact. She needs to look out for her dc as well as herself. She probably won't welcome your intervention but no harm to just say hope you ok, here if you want to talk

Keep out. In my experience people only see what they want to so if it's a new relationship and she wants to smooth it all over, she will, regardless of what you say. In fact, you will be made out to be the jealous ex by him and if she's under his spell already, she'll believe him. Sickening but true.

How old is your daughter?

Keep the texts.
Stay out of it. You will be blamed for everything and villified when they ate all lovey dovey again.
How old is dd?
She should not be witnessing this. Your focus should be on protecting her.

Keep out.

Unless he turns and focuses it on your DD then don't get involved.

My daughter is 15, she's had a rocky relationship with him herself, but had missed him and wanted to spend some time with him. She probably won't forgive him after this episode.

I won't send a msg as most of you have pointed out what I also felt; that I'd be the jealous ex.

I think you are best out of it but completely understand why you want to offer support.

If he is narcisstic and manipulative he will just use it against you. Remember how clever he was when with you? How long have they been together?

To those saying you should protect your dd, it really, really is not that simple. My DC told Cafcass how scary their dad was and it was completely toned down in the report with a suggestion that he "sees someone".
All those saying go for supervised visits just don't know how strong the case of abuse has to be to stop contact, drunken rants are just written off. Mothers who try to protect their children face charges of alienation.

If your daughter is secondary school age she could make her own decision, perhaps no overnights?

All those saying go for supervised visits just don't know how strong the case of abuse has to be to stop contact, drunken rants are just written off.

Tech perhaps you’re thinking of younger children? IME Cafcass and courts view the opinion of a child over, say 12, as very persuasive. The OP says her DD wanted to see her father - but I doubt that a court would force contact if she objected strongly.

I understand why, I've been tempted myself but it will not end well.

Techway you get it! He will use it against me, and although I'm stronger now, i don't think i can bear another few weeks of abuse from him and his sister who supports him no matter what.

He and his gf have been together a few months. Her dc are young teens and don't want to meet him, which may have been why he kicked off last night, together with drinking a lot of the day.

I'm sure the gf knows what he's like by now. If he behaves like that in front of your dd then only you know how he's likely to behave away from the kids. Gf has a choice to be with him or not. As for your dd, I wouldn't encourage contact with him. If she wants to see him let it be in public, not overnight where she's subjected to his abusive manner.

I'm relieved to hear that she's 15 as she can make her own decision about whether she spends time with him or not. It would be much more complicated if she was primary school age.

I'm even more convinced that you should keep out of it now. Your daughter will realise what her father is like fairly soon, if she hasn't already. Contact can be completely on her terms anyway. I feel sorry for this new woman as his next victim but I think you have to just look after yourself and your daughter.

Sounds like she knows what she’s got herself into. I’d stay out of it.

Luckily for us he's never been that keen on contact with the kids unless it's for showing off to anyone who cares what an amazing father he is.

@QuaterMiss, think we are agreeing, once child is 11 or 12 courts will support children's view (although there can be the insinuation of parental alienation), however younger child will be forced to go even if they articulate their feelings and refer to incidents. I have seen many cases of this in my work supporting mothers & children.
Just think MN can often have a naive view on what mothers can do to protect their children if they are under secondary school age.

Thankfully in this case the daughter is old enough to stop going.

Stay out of it, 100%

Since when in the history of womankind has a woman ever been SENSIBLE enough to trust and verify, ie check out his story of why his relationship failed, with the ex wife???

Never. I send the current naive idiot 'run' messages in my head but would never contact her.

I am sure she absolutely believes that I am a crazy shrew who deserved to be cheated on. And, she being special, this is TRUE LOVE that the other 3 soulmates didn't actually have and he would NEVER treat her badly because she REALLY loves him ...

Sometimes, I do think women are rather stupid in their refusing to absorb the information the evidence is providing them.

I was thinking the same sort of thing myself. I have heard him describe his past girlfriends as crazy and/or weird. I'm in no doubt that I've been described in the same way. I wish women would stop falling for his bullshit even though I did, I was 20 years younger and a lot less cynical.