Feeling confused and alone

[waltswispa]

Hi everyone, please no judgement.

I'm 27 weeks pregnant with my OH. It was unplanned and he is so excited. The circumstances surrounding the conception are a bit complicated, together for 3 1/2 years, lived together, then turned around out of the blue and said he didnt love me anymore left, moved out and then started seeing each other again, pregnancy happened about 4 mo later.

The relationship never had problems til we lived together, he could be lazy, and didnt respect my house (my mortgage) yet I loved him so much and was devastated when he left.

When we found out we were expecting at first we were over the moon, and I said to him the thought of being a single parent (I know lots of people absolutely rock it) scares me to death and hes said he loves me more than anything and that wont happen which made me feel comfortable and happy with the decision to keep the baby.

Since probably about 20 weeks; I have had this increased anxiety. I've had health problems and been in and out of hospital with pregnancy complications. Hes always been there, and having mental health problems in the past always makes sure I'm alright.

But here's the thing.. were quite a lot in debt. Me more than him. Because over the past 4 years I've carried him a lot because I loved him so much and just wanted to solve our problems. I work in the financial sector and its only when I've sat down and looked at the sums with the baby realised we arent in a great financial situation at all. I have been very naive about money (mainly because due to my job, the value had been lost completely). He tries to ease my worries but at the same time doesn't take an interest or seem to try and solve the problems at all. Due to my job cant go into any debt management plans or make anything easier.

He wipes away my tears, comforts me and then doesn't try to help solve the issue and I feel completely alone. All our problems are solved purely by me and I'm scared of resigning myself to a life... because he really doesn't seem to get it.

The truth is, I feel I'm only holding onto this relationship because of the baby, financials and because I loved him more than anybody on this earth, could this just be hormones? I dont know if I'm just having a really bad commitment fear due to the unplanned pregnancy and everything else going on.

Hes moving back in in a months time before the baby is here. It scares me quite a lot but I know financially i definitely cant manage alone and my family live far away so I rely on his family a lot for support and I would lose that network too and live in a town with essentially nothing.

Sorry it's so long, just needed to vent. We just seem in very different pages and dont know where to turn,

Thanks in advance!

Hello. Oh no. I get what you are saying....

So.….you are vulnerable as pregnant and unable to work as hard as usual, and about to go off on mat leave.....He meanwhile is not reliable financially and you're moving him back in, so the risk is set to increase.

Not good, and well done for speaking out and attempting to get a grip on it.

What I would do is - take utter control of the finances. Have you a budget for bills and outgoings? Have you contacted your creditors and discussed the situation? Your future credit is on the line if you miss any payments..

I think I would never sign the house to him no matter what.
Do the budget and get absolute clarity.
Speak to the creditors.
Agree repayments.
Then - him.
Can you ask him for X contribution? Will he give it?
You then pay everything.
If he won't - shit.
You would then be living with a man who is an active drain on you.

The emotional stuff is a whole other trip. You've made a lifelong decision on the basic of a pretty flimsy reality. Be careful it doesn't go too far financially for you to recover from, if you end up slinging him out and having to start again.

He talks nice but actually drags you down financially - is what it sounds like.
You say you won't manage alone, yet you have been carrying him in the last few years.

Work out what you would like to happen, financially, and put it to him.
If he agrees, do you believe he will follow through?

If he's going to continue to be a weight dragging you down, you will be better without him - in every way.

Hi something2say,

Yeah, so all the finances are controlled by me anyway, always have been. But it also makes me responsible when things have gone wrong, his MOT for example or if he needed to make a payment for something. I'm on a considerably higher wage which has meant (my fault entirely) I've ended up funding things and putting things on credit card. I feel if I didnt love him so much I would never have done that. I've done a budget and outgoings and things and basically... it's going to be tight. Manageable with both our incomes... but tight. So no need to speak to creditors or anything at this stage. I'm the lady you go see in the bank with all financial issues so it's really difficult to accept the situation I've found myself in.

My main concern is that it's always ME that solves these problems and makes the first move to sort everything out and he just follows what I say... and soon I'm going to have a baby and really dont think I can deal with these stresses anymore. I feel I just want him to grow up and take some of the responsibility away from me and I feel that would help immensely... but it's just getting it through to him that's what I need. Ice spelled it out but then its baremy ever mentioned again.

Will definitely not be signing any part of the house over, has always been mine.

Thank you!

You say loved rather than love him. You seem unsure about him now despite the intense feelings you once had.

When you say 'carried him' do you mean you have put yourself in financial difficulties because of him? How was your situation before him?

Despite him wiping away your tears/comforting you etc. You still feel alone. You're the one who solves everything. That says everything really. I think you know deep down he is no good for you but the pregnancy is making you emotional and hoping for that dream you had of a loving supporting partner.

Sadly this guy isn't going to provide that for you. I think it would be a mistake having him move back in. He disrespects your home, is lazy and sounds financially abusive. Why do you think that will change? When baby comes along it will be even worse.

I know its scary the thought of being alone when baby comes along. I had a baby by myself with no support but coped well. I attended lots of baby yoga, swimming and local groups.

You sound like you have your life sorted apart from some financial issues. He sounds like a parasite.

You've crystallized it yourself. You want, he doesn't give. I'd get used to that iiwy. So sad isn't it, such a let down. I am sorry xxx