wrong for being debt adverse?

[LittleMy20]

My STBXH were discussing lack of trust in our marriage- he said there wasn't any. He took huge offence when u said that the time he asked me if I was ok to “Just let him handle it” when renewing our mortgage and then when I asked him about it down the line revealed wanting to borrow £20 k on top of this. I was upset at the time because the entire deposit for the house , about 60% if it’s value was provided by my family and was the children’s future nest egg ( right or wrong I’m sorry and my child has autism so will need this) and I knew this £20 k would be paid back upon sale of the house not by my DH. Apparently I am ridiculously debt averse and immature. Last night I reminded him
That I am debt averse because my family actually had lots of financial problems when I was young and contrary to how he talks to me I am not the spoilt clueless woman he assumes. In the end my father lent him the money instead to avoid this but I am upset and yet confused- is this kind of borrowing something I should have been ok with when my family have struggled to make sure we don’t need to get into debt.?

Sorry I meant debt averse? I really want some perspective because my ex is very upset about his financial circumstances although claims not to be but I feel like he actually borrowed lots of money from my family over time and I was very supportive financially during our marriage despite being a SAHM. I just feel so confused about it all. He is very quick to say that I am clueless and immature when I question things. I am also very sad to see that he can’t afford to live somewhere bigger which is also his reason for not having the kids to stay with him which is hard for me as I don’t get a break and my children are very hard work. However I don’t think it would have been fair had he walked away with more when the house was paid for largely by my family and I am with the kids all the time and my son has SEN and the money in our home represents the children’s security to me. Anyone?

Basically he wanted to deal with the mortgage alone so he could borrow £20k against it without telling you? If he had managed to do it would he have ever told you?? That's fucking sneaky and I'd never trust him with finances again. What did he need that much money for so desperately that he borrowed it off your family?

Debt adverse is NOT an insult! But I'd say he's the immature one who seems happy to have YOUR family fill in the financial gaps. All the while, it seems, regularly belittling you.

Did you ring fence the deposit etc? I think you need to be very careful about finances. I won't trust anything he says or tries to make you sign without reading!

Again what was the money for?

What was he borrowing the money for? To pay existing debt down or to do work on the house?

It’s not wrong to feel concerned - adding to the mortgage is an expensive way to borrow because of the length of the loan and the interest compounding. Does he understand that?

Sounds like he is just pissed off that his money supply (ie you and your family) is being cut off.

Don't fall for his guilt trips and put downs. He just wants money.

He sounds a bit like my ex-H. He spends money without thinking and has thousands worth of debt despite a good job. He just thinks that's what people do and you're s fool not to.

Do you know what the 20k was for? It is a lot of money to add to a mortgage on a whim. Is his financial situation due to chronic money mismanagement on his part?

He won't be able to see the issue is with his attitude rather than yours. From a financial POV you're better off out of it.

Try and make sure your settlement reflects the money your family has contributed. Good luck.

He is not a big spender on himself which makes it hard for me not to feel guilty. The money was to pay off debts- some probably due to mareaiage expenses and the best to pay off expenses of his family overseas but think absolutely necessary ones not indulgence. He has always supported my in laws financially and I have supplemented our spending during the marriage from my savings in order to enable him to do that but I was always chastised and treated like an evil witch for even questioning his financial support to his family . I also personally lent him money to help him with this situation. The fact that he doesn’t spend hardly anything on himself because once he’s given his family money, given me child maintenance he has v little to himself despite working very hard in a highly skilled role. This money to his family I understand but I never thought when we married that it would be w thing without end and since we had children I began to get upset about it particularly since he was never appreciative of the fact that despite being a SAHM I was heavily supplementing our expenses from my savings in addition to contributing monthly about 60% of what he was to the joint account.

He just makes me feel guilty about it all but my situation is fairly hard as I have a nice house but he now gives me the minimum child support he can, I have a very very demanding child with autism and a toddler and I get no time to breathe as he cannot cope with them both alone and described being “ stuck out” of I ask him to take them out and his flat is too small to have them overnight there so he visits once a week and I cannot really have any rest and it is my fault isn’t it because he can not afford a bigger place because of me. His flat is other side of the city near his new work too. I reminded him that we always agreed that should we divorce my money would come back to me and we would split the profit but apparently” that was before we had 2 kids On my way! With autism” 🤔. Since I am the one who has the kids 100% of the time I don’t understand this- maybe he thinks it would have benefitted my son to live in two smaller homes and be travelling half the week but I know this would have been very difficult for my son. I’m very confused and upset because maybe he had a point?

Sorry for typos . Any help with perspective would be very helpful .

Has no one else has a similar confusing scenario?

Bump?

Why does he support his parents financially though before his children?

Did his parents not work or have money themselves?

I agree with you, he should not have taken out secret (joint) debt to fund the in-laws or have funded them at all if his wage wouldn’t support it as well as your own living expenses. However, separately, I can see why he didn’t think it was unreasonable for you to contribute some of your savings if you were a SAHM while he worked hard outside the home.

I don't really understand why it matters now? He never took the extension on the mortgage and the deal with the house has been done. There isn't anything you can do now. You said yourself that he doesn't actually say he is struggling so if he isn't saying it, why are you feeling guilty?

Is the minimum child support he pays what CMS say he should pay? If so, that's doing his bit. The only part I don't agree with is the fact that he won't even take the kids out. He could even take them to the park for an hour or out to soft play for half a day at the weekend. These things are free or don't cost anything.

I don't know what his culture is but in the UK, as you know, the parents take care of the kids and not the other way around. He could probably save for a year or two and buy a bigger house but he's choosing to help his parents and that's not your fault. He is actually choosing to help them over providing a suitable home where his children can stay over.

I think you need to stop feeling guilty. He has made his choices in life and you made yours. Yours were more sensible and his weren't.

There's nothing wrong with ring fencing a large deposit to ensure a future for your kids. If it was a small deposit, I would say no don't ring fence it but but it was 60% of the value of the house funded by your parents and I assume a large part of any inheritance you'd be due to get

You're not wrong to be debt adverse when it comes to turning unsecured debt into secured. Especially if it was for your in laws and not something you or your children would have benefitted from.
You shouldn't feel guilty.
And he's a cunt for taunting you over it.

I don't think your scenario is confusing. You have 2 different opinions. For what it's worth I agree with you. Even if I didn't, so what? Sounds like he's an ex for a reason. What does it matter what he thinks/says about you?

That all sounds harsh, I don't mean it that way

He’s got some very odd loyalties. He can’t afford to provide a sensible sized home to see his children because he’s sending money to his parents, and somehow that is your fault.
He sounds like an entitled prat.
Don’t take any notice of him. Concentrate on providing for yourself & your children and just ignore him.

As others have said, he’s an ex for a reason.

He supports his parents because his father had no pension.

Very disrespectful to your DF with borrowing the money

OP he took your DFs money to give to his DF. That's all there is to it and I wouldn't be with a man who did that either.

Stop having conversations with him unless they relate to your DCs. If you feel you should be getting more from him financially go through the appropriate channels to do that.