Any tips for living with ADHD?

[StarsShineBrightly]

DH, DD, and poss DS, have ADHD. Currently awaiting diagnosis for DS, but its likely although he presents differently.

I'm really struggling with DH. I'm feeling like I do everything, except cook, he cooks fantastic meals. Any other chores are met with huffing and puffing. I'm exhausted and it feels like death by a thousand cuts.

Tried to talk to him about it tonight and it just ended in a massive row where he tells me I will never change or think about things from his perspective. E.g. I shouldn't ask kids to pick up after themselves as I'm the only one who is bothered by the mess so I should just pick it up if I see it! DD is a walking mess, everything is just dropped on the floor, wrappers, clothes, sometimes food, towels etc, i do ask her to pick it up, but he rarely says anything to her.

I see his point in a way, but I also don't see why I should pick clothes up off the floor that are next to the laundry bin. This is just one thing but no one puts anything away unless i ask, so I'm then seen as a nag by all of them. I'm just really miserable. I'm miserable asking because I feel like a nag and resentful that they don't do it. If I do it all, I'm also resentful and even more tired.

Has anyone come up with any solutions to tackle the boring chores that ADHD minds hate/ don't see.

I've got ADHD and Im the main tidier upper in our house. It's never a palace don't get me wrong and it can get pretty messy but I can't stand it when it's untidy for long and if it starts getting dirty it upsets me.

Yes having ADHD means I get distracted during a big clean and I might not be able to tear myself away if I'm hyperfocusing on work to get it done as soon as it needs it. Also, I'm often tearing the house apart looking for something or rushing to get out But...despite all that, ADHD is not an excuse to live like a pig.

My partner doesn't have ADHD but he's messy and my DD7 isn't diagnosed but I suspect she has it. My partner would never think to clean and tidy off his own back.

Just because an ADHD brain doesn't Want to do it, doesn't mean they don't have to. It's part of being a responsible person. A tidier more organised house will help their ADHD symptoms.

There aren't any tips to help their brains want to do it, but how many neurotypical brains Want to do it either? Don't accept any excuses.

Lists and charts help for genuine forgetfulness. I also find it easier to tackle in small chunks. So instead of having a weekly blitz, a couple of smaller jobs every day is easier. And a short time limit - ie we all need to do our jobs in the next 30 minutes, not 'do your jobs today' as it will get forgotten.

I have to make sure everything has a home and a designated labelled box or shelf. It doesn't always go back in its home straight away but it helps.

There's a box at the door to put everything in as we come in so it's still there when we leave again and not thrown about. I have notes on the door to remind me to go round the house closing cupboard doors and drawers. That instantly makes the house look tidier.

Dropping something on the floor ocassion ally when so engrossed in something or out of sheer absent mindedness could be ADHD related, but constantly dropping things on the floor is just a lack of respect for the house and an expectation someone else will pick it up.

The idea that you should pick it up as you're the only one bothered is ridiculous. Really, how would they function if you weren't bothered and nobody ever cleared up? Life would be chaos and their symptoms would be off the charts.

There's lots of helpful advice on organising and tidying for ADHD minds on the ADDitude website

Just to add I think your H's attitude that the children shouldn't have to do anything because they have ADHD is really doing them a disservice. They have to learn to manage their condition and a big part of that is finding ways to organise and structure their lives from an early age. How will they work in places with other people, live with other people if they are not taught the importance of managing their impulses and taking responsibility?

He just knows that if they have to do it, he will too.

Thank you for your response.

I try to find ways that will help them. I've used white boards, lists, they help for a bit then they ignore them and I stop.

My view is also that they have to live in a world where things are expected of them and ADHD makes it harder but that doesn't mean you don't do it.

I haven't been on ADDitude for a while, but I'll go back and have a look.

I think the problem is anything you try is going to fail after a short time if they aren't going to engage and don't want to manage it - and that starts with your husband.

I think you're banging your head against a brick wall if you can't get him on board.

Does he think you're just having the same old argument and if he sticks to his story, you'll shut up again for a while? Or does he understand there will be serious consequences for you and your relationship if he doesn't start to cooperate? Will there be?

I’ve got adhd and so does my oldest child.
Yes it’s hard work to stay focused and tidy but it’s something I have to get on with and do the best I can, otherwise I know it would really impact on my relationship with DH.
The more you practise seeing mess and tidying it the easier it gets.

He needs to be on board with it though. It’s not fair on your children to grow up thinking they don’t have to do anything because they have adhd.
He needs reminding that having adhd is a reason but never an excuse.

I definitely feel as if I'm banging my head against a brick wall!

I think part of the problem is he doesn't see the mess and when it's pointed out, he doesn't care and doesn't understand why it bothers me.

He has stayed in bed all morning and is hardly talking to me. He looks very forlorn and this is what happens when I say I'm not happy and why. So now I feel guilty and rubbish.

See, I have similar problems with my neurotypical partner. He doesn't seem to 'see' it either. It's a major stressor for me though and when I talk to him about it, he bucks his ideas up.

He generally backslides and several months later, I'll have to bring it up again, but generally, he knows it gets to me and wants to make life easier for me too.

Don't feel guilty, you are not in the wrong here and it's for the good of the whole family that he listens to you on this.

Having ADHD is not the reason for what he is doing now. It doesn't make you completely disrespect the feelings of someone you love. It's a condition that can make you more sensitive to criticism and rejection so he may be taking the argument more personally than you would, but he is still an adult and he should still want you to be happy.

In particular, he should realise or be made to realise, as someone with ADHD, his life partner will have to put up with quite a lot more than the usual stuff. He no doubt relies on you in more areas of his life that he should be managing himself. With two ADHD children, you are probably the glue holding it all together, so it is in his interests to keep you happy and not exhausted.

I think I would leave it a couple of days and then try and have a non-confrontational but frank and reasonable conversation about what his 'blindness' does to you and how it makes you struggle and what that means to the whole family.

Say you're willing to take his condition into account and are trying to see things from his point of view but he needs to do the same.

He expects you to accept he doesn't see the mess, but he needs to accept you do. His position is causing exhaustion for you whereas your position would mean a more balanced work-load and would teach your kids how to live like civilised human beings. What's not to like?

You could also see if he will read the countless articles about the mental strain on neuro-typical people with ADHD partners and kids and the impact this has on marriages.

If he still is unwilling to see things from your point of view, it's no longer ADHD, it's just him being an arse and that is a different problem entirely.

ADHD does not mean people are incapable of all processes or routines. He understands that dinner must be cooked every night or he will go hungry. He understands that after he does a poo, wipe your bum or it will smell & be dirty. I mean it is not an absence of all common sense. YES it is more challenging to stay on top of stuff, but things that really help are putting in place some serious routine, rules & order. Eg Shower rule - When you kick your clothes off, they go immediately in the hamper. Rubbish & refuse from food immediately in the bin. Make them immediately go back & pick it up & put it where it is supposed to go. Stop doing it for them & start trying to make those extras part of the routine. Little things add up to a lot that could help ease your burden of feeling like the house is in shambles & disarray.

I don't know what you can do if your husband won't get onboard, but I do think it should in theory be possible to tackle at least one thing that annoys you & make it part of the family's daily routine. If he can't be on your team for this, he is a lost cause

Sorry me again - I think I probably get too much of a bee in my bonnet on these subjects.

I was just thinking of more practical ways of tackling it - he could genuinely think that any solution you come up with won't work so there's no point in trying and you just need to accept that's how life is.

If you've tried things like whiteboards and they've stopped working after a while, what happened then? Did you regroup and try again?

When I'm busy and stressed, all of my systems start to fall by the wayside but I've learned to give myself a break and get back on them rather than giving up on them and allowing chaos to descend.

It might help to aknowledge their symptoms will mean things will work at first, but you understand that they will inevitably slip at some point. But you could all agree this doesn't mean it's failed and importantly, it doesn't need to cause arguments. You won't be cross with them, you'll just give them a reminder and you can all regroup and carry on.

You could agree that instead of walking around the house despairing at the things on the floor, picking up after them and eventually snapping, you have a non-negotiable set time every day where you all go round picking up your own and putting them away.

In between those times, you can work on it not bothering you and they will hopefully come to reliase if they litter the entire house they are inevitably going to spend longer on the tidy up. If they can control it, they'll get it done quicker.

Thanks for the ideas. Whatever we/I come up with, I find that he's rarely fully on board and will not do it if I'm not there.

I've had the screen off at 6pm rule and tidy up time before settling down for bed, but I'm out a 1 or 2 nights per week, with work, come home and he won't continue with it. Will let them watch a film then wonder why they're wired and won't sleep at 9pm. This is school nights, not summer hols.

Kids associate me with work and Daddy with fun, so they're even less inclined on the evenings I'm in.

Sorry for being so down. I'm really not trying to rubbish any suggestions as they're really useful. I will try to sit him down in a couple of days and see if we get anywhere.

Any other chores are met with huffing and puffing. I'm exhausted and it feels like death by a thousand cuts

Oh yes, the huffing and puffing. I've got a teenage DS and I get that. Like if he huffs and puffs and argues, maybe he won't have to do it .

I agree it is like death by 1000 cuts and you end up looking like a total bloody nag.

However, I still have a responsibility to "train him up" somehow.

He's had 10 weeks off this Summer, and has done very little. He has cleaned his bedroom today and yesterday - but only because I really lost my rag about it and threatened to take away his phone. He's always moaning and arguing. I (just about) tolerate this from DS, but only because he is my legal responsibility. I would NOT tolerate that kind of shit from a partner, ADHD or no ADHD. It is soul-destroying.

As your children are still relatively young, you can have a chance to train them up! My hints/ideas are:

1. Give them one chore a day - e.g. the washing up, clean the bathroom, empty the bins, whatever it is, as long as they start to learn how to look after themselves.

1. Don't pick them up on everything perhaps, but totally shit behaviour - dropping stuff on the floor - I'm sorry EVERY time they do that take them to the scene of the crime and make them pick it up. Hopefully they will learn.

1. Encourage them to keep their room tidyish and fairly organised. An inspection once a week will help and encourage this .

1. When they get mobile phones, if they do, make sure you keep control of it. ADHD teens sometimes get lost in this, and they will never do anything (chores, homework) unless you keep control of the restrictions.

You are shouldering so much, OP. Make sure your kids and DH pitch in. Even if you have to "direct" it so to speak.

Perhaps you are reliant on keeping your relationship with DH for financial and childcare reasons, I don't know. But I would not tolerate that kind of disrespect from a partner. I think its a case of shape up or ship out, if its practically possible.

The ForgetfulDenginer has some great ideas and insights - which goes to show what is possible if there is willing. But if there isn't - just rows, sulking, huffing and puffing, and death by 1000 cuts, I'd be off.

x

If its not clear, DS has some strong ADHD traits, though never diagnosed. Its bloody hard work, stressful, tiring and sometimes also as you put it "death by 1000 cuts". But I would never tolerate the kind of behaviour I have to deal with him, with an adult partner.

Sqpoonsmum it's the same in my house. I constantly get called a nag just for asking DH to get off the sofa, out of bed, off the phone and do something.
It's really overwhelming sometimes and I'm not sure if I can cope with it long term.
On a good day my tips would be...
dont join in the temper tantrums, just walk away and forgive if possible ( not sure if this is good advice or not).
Get a cleaner if you can afford it, even if it's an hour a week. Then you'll have some support.
Marie Kondo the house and have a labelled place for everything.
Make a visual chart for DCs, to show exactly what you expect them to do.
Pick your battles with the kids.

cross-posted! 6 p.m. rule sounds great! keep control of that aspect of their lives I would say.

Make sure your DH does the shit chores as well. If he doesn't like it, too bad, he can go and live in a room somewhere and live like a pig by himself or employ a maid. Sorry .

I have ADHD and so does my partner... we can both be horrifically untidy... (just saying for a bit of background!) But to my mind it boils down to respect(or lack of) for your partner/family if you don't try, and keep trying.

OP, you shouldn't have to put up with zero respect for your values or preferences just because you are 'outnumbered'. In this case ADHD is being used as an excuse - it's not a reason, and nor is it reasonable of your partner to encourage your children to copy his ways.

Thank you to those who have ADHD as well who have posted. It really helps to know it's hard but it is possible to keep a relatively tidy home if everyone mucks in and at least tries.

Sadly can't afford a cleaner yet. We had one before which obviously forced a tidy up the day before she came. This became a nightmare as he resented it and couldn't see why we had to tidy so she could clean. So he would argue with me, then DD would also question me so I was worn out and then I either had to tidy what they hadn't done or tell her to leave certain rooms.

I think I've lost sight of what is reasonable to expect. E.g. after dinner they all just walk off and watch TV! I know he's usually cooked, but this happens if I cook as well. If I call them back they're surprised and he got stroppy the other day when I asked him to wipe the table down.

Well then a good rule would be dinner isn't over until the family have all pitched in to clean up. Then when that's done you all relax in front of TV. The routine of sitting down together for dinner is already in place, it's just extending the routine to include some chores that take the load off everyone. Mess lingering after meals really boils my piss, so feel you.

Yes, the dinner thing! It wouldn't even occur to him to not just leave the table. Occasionally if I do a weekend brunch or roast he'll say "Leave it, I'll clear up." So then I have to leave it til about 4pm, then do it anyway because he forgot! If I remind him I get the temper tantrums.
So much fun in our house.

I constantly get called a nag just for asking DH to get off the sofa, out of bed, off the phone and do something

Yes, JamHands, thats me to a T (even if its with DS16). Very hard to live with. He gets angry if I ask him to do something 10 times, but I only have to ask him because ... he doesn't do it.

That said, I remembered today being with a big group social thing last year. It was all a bit meh, but the one person I liked and connected with - an older woman - told me she had ADHD and the things she tried to do to help herself cope with it in her (seemingly successful) working life. She was a really lovely and intelligent woman.

So, I remembered this and felt guilty about being so down on DS and his issue, at times.

But I don't think I could live with it as a jointly responsible partner.

My understanding is that ADHD makes it hard to focus on tasks but putting a piece of clothing or a wrapper in the bin is not a task. They may need reminded as they might not have the attention to detail as part of their ADHD but for your husband to say you should just do it is unfair. It sounds like he masks laziness under his diagnosis and will push the same onto the kids.

My partner has ADHD. What's worked for us, above anything else, is getting into routines. If he has a specific job to do on a regular basis he is far less likely to complain or forget about it. For instance, it's "his" job to empty the cat litter trays every day.

We also got an Amazon Echo, so now "Alexa" reminds him to do things like put the bins out, so it feels less like I'm nagging him all the time 😂