Perspective - we keep rowing

[changeitis]

I wish it was the sort in a boat!

Oh dear. It's long. Sigh. I started to get it out my head and typed it and it kept on going. Sorry

We fundamentally love each other but have become house mates who are cross at each other.

I have an enormous load on my shoulders. My ex H was imprisoned, he may be out but I don't know and I don't want him near the DC. I moved, changed everything so he can't contact us but it could come anytime via the police or SS or schools which is a weight. As we approach Sept, I'm understandably stressed.

My dad's intestate estate has gone legal. Has been for 2 years, in a fight with step Mum along with my siblings who don't take the load - we have a 4K legal bill and nothing to show for it.

I have some medical issues. I think I'm gluten intolerant and it's making me very poorly. I think I'm menopausal and waiting to see the gynaecologist for abnormal bleeding.
I'm having physio on a busted shoulder (sport). I'm under a team for serious hip pain which I've had for years.
My medical bag of shite has been on the back burner for years due to ex H - divorce took priority as well as being a mum and I ignored a lot of symptoms for ages. When I felt I was in a strong position, I tackled them but they obviously all came to a head at the same time.
I'm only 43.

DP is kind and caring but stubborn. He is working really long hours which I admire as he's supporting me and mine and his children. But it's taking its toll. He's exhausted. Completely. We have no relationship left after 3 years because he's grumpy. He snaps at the children and he's failing to communicate. He's becoming slightly abusive with it. Some gaslighting and shouting, lots of snapping short temper. He has an excuse for everything. He feels backed into a corner.

I have been asking him for a year for him to cut back his hours. Money isn't everything and we have enough.
Except his work is linked to his ex W. He's self employed so he could make changes but he can't face the ex so he doesn't.

We bought a house together. We bought it with the plan to extend it and change it. 9 months later and it's clear he can't handle any part of it. He's got a house and he's happy to basically sleep in it, work ridiculous hours and let me do everything else.

The tension has built to a head and I said enough is enough. I've said we need to make changes or call time.

I can't change my stress load. It's happening, most of it outside my control.

He can change his load - work less so he's here more. I need more emotional support and basically our relationship is completely stagnating with resentment and exhaustion.

Should I be more understanding? Man = money = status ?

Ultimately who is BU?

Have you only been together 3 years? I think that if communication is an issue and he resorts to shouting or gaslighting then you need to take action, for your children.

You are going through an enormous amount and your partners way of coping is to just avoid it all by working. Do you think you deserve more than that?

Yes 3 years although known each other for much more.

Communication is definitely an issue.

I feel cheated about our relationship, I hadn't realised we were sinking and feel a bit foolish.

Wow you just have so much on your plate. Chronic pain is very difficult to deal with. You sound amazing. You have told your DP changes need to be made, how did he react? Is he willing to work on things? Did you agree to try anything (baby steps)?

Sounds like he would rather take his temper and frustration out on your Dc and yourself than tackle his ex. That's not on. What changes would you like to see ?

If this was a longer relationship then I think it's worth pursuing because you could attribute his mood to the stress but ime 2 years is when the mask starts to slip, so is this the real man? Someone quite selfish who is looking to maximise his income/status at whatever cost?

The house issue you have summed up, he is happy so why change, yet are your children having to cope with very much reduced space?
What is the story with his Ex?

Thanks Sapatsea
I remind myself I'm amazing and I have so much on. Thank you for your words. I guess I am not hearing them at home much.

Instead he reminds me all the time of what I've got going on and that I need to chill.

It's a deflection again that nothing is to do with him.

Techway
The ex and him have a business. It's successful. They try not to cross paths. More info might add to my already somewhat outing post.

Baby steps I have asked him to cut back 4 hours a fortnight, which with miles driven adds up to a lot more.

I've suggested he raise his price by 9% to cover it so it doesn't impact the business. He's good at what he does so this is feasible.

He is saying it's all as it is now or it's nothing. He'll quit.

He's being a petulant selfish child.

I'm going out with DC. I asked him to come.

Thanks. It really does help putting it down. I spent the night thinking I'm being unfair to him. I'm glad I posted now in the dark hours.