Unhappily married

[tma1968]

I've been with my husband for 16 years. It's not been plain sailing. We are both strong characters and he's incredibly spoilt, awkward and difficult. Laid back is not how id describe him. Id have left him years ago but we have 2 kids10 & 13 who love him. I did ask him to leave once when he shut the front door in our sons face and told him he couldnt come in as he hadnt been out long enough. (He hates the kids friends being here). I didnt have a great childhood so im super sensitive about how their fathers (and mothers!) actions will impact on them in later life as it has on mine. I have zero tolerance on him telling them off for nothing. Hes very strict IMO and its unnecessary as they are really well behaved. (He says this is because hes strict, in other words if it was left to me theyd be off the rails). The kids were devastated and so was he so i let him home, I on the other hand nrver shed a tear. Pure relief. I want a warm freindly happy fun filled environment for our kids as I didn't have that, best of it is he DID have that! His family were like the Waltons! So why is he so strict? Its a control thing i think.It isn't just that it's his whole attitude to everything. Whatever I ask the answer will be no. He is the most awkward person. Today for example we planned to creosote the shed and the new fence panels. Our daughter wanted to go out and have dinner at my mum's so I asked him roughly what time he would like to start painting and mum would do the Sunday dinner around him as she wanted to help. His answer was "Well I don't feel like doing it right now but I might do in an hour or maybe not for 3 hours I just don't know" I called him an awkward b and started without him. I could give you a million examples of his awkwardness, his criticisms of my cooking and his favourite, how lazy I am. ( I can assure you I'm far from lazy this is because im a mobile hairdresser so i work random hours. If i meet my friends for coffee while hes working it infuriates him) oh and how I spend all the money. I seriously don't know how I'm going to put up with him. I can barely speak to him. Almost every conversation ends in a row. On paper we are the perfect family. We have a caravan and go away weekends, have a nice house and nice friends but he just seems to spoil everything we do. We had 4 days in Angelsey last week and I cried in the toilet 3 times. Is this normal? I'm at my wits end..

You've not got to let his awkwardness spoil your day. If he can't give a straight answer regarding when he will creosote the fence, you just carry on with 'ok, I'll tell mum to prepare lunch for the normal time, if you can make it great, if not no problem'.
Don't allow him to control your day, just carry on as normal, if he can't commit to timings/plans just say 'ok, we'll be leaving at xx o'clock, if you want to come'. Don't exclude him but don't allow him to keep you all on tenterhooks. Keep calm and just carry on!

No it's not normal.

What are you getting out of this relationship with your joy sucker of a H?.

I doubt your kids love their father as much as fear him. You certainly fear him and they feel the same about him. You are all treading on eggshells around this man.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning from you two?. Would you want them to have a similar sort of relationship because you are teaching them that currently at least, this from him is still acceptable to you.

Staying for the kids rarely if ever is a good idea because it places a terribly heavy burden upon the children. It could be argued that you have stayed for your sake rather than theirs because change is too scary to contemplate. Telling our children they deserve healthy, respectful, and loving partnerships isn’t taken to heart if we don’t have the courage to live up to our own words. What we model for them is very much what we might expect for them in their future relationships. From this perspective we might question the sincerity of the expression “for the sake of the children.”

Divorce is not failure but living in unhappiness is.

@caselgarcia yes you are right i totally agree and i do try to rise above it but its draining to say the least. I suppose i still live in hope that he'll just make life easy. It's never going to happen I realise that. It's soul destroying when every single thing you suggest is changed or disagreed with. In angelsey I wanted to go out for a meal one of the nights, it didn't happen obviously. I suggested to the kids a takeaway pizza which they were delighted with. He said well why don't We just go to the shop and cook it in the caravan? I ordered the pizza and I got it but why does it always have to be something different to what I suggest? I can't cope with it much longer..

He’s a controlling prick. See if you can access Freedom Programme OP it will open your eyes to this behaviour and why men like him do it.
He wants all the power and for you and the kids to bow down so he can wipe his feet on you, this is abusive behaviour on his part. Take back some power and call Womens Aid for advice and support.