Emotional manipulation?

[Pharlapwasthebest]

Lovely mumsnetters. I’m wondering if there is a term for this?
Dh uses what I’ve realised is emotional manipulation, he will start going on about how bad I’m making him feel, so deflecting whatever the problem is back onto me to make me feel guilty. He raises his voice too.
Example, he’ll say “oh yes, I’m just the bad guy,
Oh, it’s so hard to explain in print

Sounds a bit like gaslighting. Making you to blame for everything.

Emotional blackmail is a good term. MIL tries it unsuccessfully to guilt DD (she's 1, she doesn't care) when she cries. She'll wander about saying 'oh wicked grandma'. The best thing to do is loudly label the behaviour to stop the manipulation.

He doesn’t do things it make me doubt my sanity though, so I’m not sure it’s gaslighting. I actually don’t think he’s doing it intentionally, I’m not sure if he’s got high functioning depression.

I know exactly what you mean, my ex used to somehow twist everything back on to me, he would act like a arse, I'd call him out on it then he would do his poor me/victim routine to get out of it and make me into the bad one. I never realised how bad it was until we split up, when I look back I cringe at how I let him treat me.
Call him out on it next time and tell him his guilt trips aren't working on your anymore!

He does not what he's doing. Get yourself a copy of the book 'why does he do that' by lundy Bancroft. It was a real eye opener.

I’m not sure if he’s got high functioning depression.

Why are you intent on finding/ creating abels for shitty behaviour. He’s just another adult man who acts like a child and doesn’t want to take responsibility for his behaviour.

There’s nothing complicated or unique about his immaturity.

Apologies, I typed that wrong, I mean I think he is a high functioning depressive.

@blackcat86
Thanks, I’ll have a look
@AgentJohnson
I was about to defend him, but actually, you’re right. He is an immature kid who doesn’t want to take responsibility.

My DH has a tendency towards this. It comes from having a highly critical, self-obsessed father. He recognizes it in himself. In fact it got better when I sent him the 'Damn you Steve' video about blaming. g.co/kgs/7Szy2V

Depends if he actually wants to silence you or improve your relationship. The former, you're buggered. He won't change.

He could be a narcissist too. Have a look at the descriptions of various types here and decide for yourself.
narcissistabusesupport.com/

No, he’s not a narcissist.

high functioning depressive’

More commonly known as a twat.

I second the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That. Abusive mindsets are very difficult to spot - unless you understand them. I got out of a 14 year long abusive relationship recently. For the first 13 years I would have sworn blind it was a normal relationship with normal ups and downs. Please read up about the signs OP. If you're not in an abusive situation - great!

I’ll have a read.
Thanks everyone

Lundy Bancroft - why does he do that?
tinyurl.com/LundyWhy

Does it sound like DARVO? Its a response to being held accountable for their behavior. Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender.

Hello again :) I found this article about covert abuse, and it remineded me about what you said about his behaviour being difficult to describe. See if it resonates with you:
www.confusiontoclaritynow.com/blog/covert-abuse-tactics

I also wonder if its an emotional intelligence thing. My H is similar. Regardless to whether something is black and white, it will be twisted. Then ' I'm such a shite man, shite Dad whatever..' and no further comment. No discussion on actual feelings..so difficult.