Struggling with exh being happy in new relationship when we couldn’t make each other happy

[Riverside85]

I just need a little off-load, as I know I’m being unreasonable (and this isn’t AIBU).

Exh and I have been separated nearly 3 years now and have a 5yo DD. He was a bit of a shit partner towards the end of the ten years we were together; nothing really horrid but some of the “worst bits” include getting arrested for drink driving and getting a 13 month ban while I was pregnant (ok that one is bad), and using webcam sex chats. We also just really clashed/rubbed each other up the wrong way and basically fell out of love.

I wanted to be happy, my DD to be happy and I also wanted him to be happy too. After we split I met a lovely partner who is amazing, and yes, I’m really happy with him. Exh bounced around between a few short term relationships/tinder dates, that sort of thing.

However, he now has a more serious new partner (since December) and is moving in with her. She has two DC near our DD’s age, the kids all get on. Happy families.

I know it’s horrid and wrong but the whole thing just makes me feel so sad, and I guess inadequate. Like; why can he make it work with her when he couldn’t with me? Why is he interested in family days out now when he wasn’t with me and DD when she was a toddler? What did I do wrong, why wasn’t I good enough?

I know I know I know it’s very early days for them, and (not to drip feed) I actually know that he already cheated on her with one of his previous tinder hook ups after they’d been seeing each other a couple of months, and she knows and took him back, so it’s not all rosy. On the surface I’m happy for them, and I know this is all for the best; we couldn’t have stayed together, and I definitely don’t want him back. But deep down it churns me up thinking about why, why, what if and not fair

Is this normal, will it pass?

I think this is very normal OP. And by the way I think looking at webcams and drink driving ban is pretty horrible. Just think to yourself he is very possibly doing that again as unless you have told her it’s unlikely he has!! I left my first husband when I was 28 because he was a selfish person , he was heartbroken yet within 3 months he had someone moving in!! And Turned into Disney dad and great partner, so yes it hurts a ton but think to yourself, would I want to be in the relationship with him possibly webcamming and cheating!

I think, unfortunately, that it is normal to feel like that.

I think we're sort of conditioned to ask why we weren't good enough rather than seeing the positives. You could ask why you are strong enough to leave him while she isn't, even when he cheats?

And even if they had a perfect relationship, it doesn't mean you aren't good enough. It just means that you weren't right for each other. It's not a flaw in you but I think many of us instinctively react with those thoughts.

I think it is normal.
However what you had with that partner was not ideal . The web cam chats...

Live your life now .

Yes it hurts my ExH the same we never went on holiday, he never came to DC events because work was to important he never wanted a 3 child. He was financially and emotionally abusive to me. Like you I’m now with someone who I’m happy with however he has changed completely now has another child, he goes abroad and on holiday lots ect. I went through the stage why her ect. It’s normal to feel like this but remember it’s easy to put on a farce from the outside to look perfect.

He's no different with her than he was with you. He is still an arsehole who cheats. I hope for her sake she doesn't have DC with him. He's just doing family days out and that because it suits him at the moment. I guarantee he hasn't changed and he's just being more tolerable like he was at the beginning of his relationship with you.

You were just the wrong mix OP.

Bananas are delicious. Onions are delicious. Together they are bleugh.

Thank you for the replies. I do feel so mixed up over it as I do I know the way things are now are for the best, hopefully over time everything will feel more settled.

I am happy that my DD likes her and her DC. It just feels so jarring seeing photos on Facebook (I know I know...) of the five of them as a happy family. I know it’s loads better than alternatives such as him being a deadbeat Dad who doesn’t see DD, or his new partner hating kids or something.

I think I’m feel sort of guilty as when she’s there, DD has the two DC to play with and they have a grand time, whereas here it’s just me and her and she’s always wanting me to play with her as she’s just by herself. My partner doesn’t have any DC and hasn’t moved in yet.

He sounds awful.

Don't compare him at 10 years with you to him at 7 months with her. They're still in the honeymoon period, and he still couldn't be faithful to her. He's not a good man, and it doesn't sound like a happy relationship.

You can't help how you feel, and it's normal to have feelings of confusion and sadness. But don't buy the fantasy - that's all it is.

Apileofballyhoo It’s weird because I do want him to be able to be happy- I think we all deserve that. But when he told me he’d “messed up” and cheated on her, I sort of thought “well good, now she can see what he’s really like”. That seems so spiteful. But when she took him back I honestly felt like messaging her saying “what are you doing?! You don’t have to put up with this after a matter of months!!” Now they seem happier than ever.

BMW6 Great analogy with the bananas and onions Thanks

Doesn't sound like he's really changed much tbh. She's just putting up with it like you did.

She might wise up as time goes on and she realises she deserves better.

You could ask why you are strong enough to leave him while she isn't, even when he cheats?

This. I think you are maybe subconsciously thinking if it’s working for them, maybe you somehow drove him to behave like a dick.

Nope, he is still a lying cheating dick. She just isn’t as strong as you....yet

Normal to feel this way but you have no idea whether they’re actually happy or not, it could all just be a facade.

Moving in with someone after eight months when children are involved isn’t bright either, I suspect it will go sour.

I (and a few of my friends) think it could go sour too- moving in so early, and the cheating. But what then?! Would I be happy about that, if they broke up and he was alone again I don’t want him to be miserable. I do sort of want people to see him for what he is.

My new DP is honestly amazing, about lots of things but about this; I talk to him about how I feel and he could so easily think “She must still have feelings for her ex and want to be with him”, but he doesn’t, he so supportive and understanding.

Has he moved into her place? What was his housing situation?I wonder if he is trying very hard as realises he hasn't managed to settle with anyone else in 3 years. If he isn't naturally a family man then he is unlikely to maintain the facade, unless he was very young when you met.

However the strong emotions of envy are indicative of your feelings of "good enough" for your daughter..is he providing siblings that you crave? Or are they a family unit that you don't yet appear to be?

The reality of step families however is very different, pop over to the step board and you will see step parenting is much, much harder. There are generally more challenges which of course won't be on FB!

He was 24 when we met, he’s 37 now.

When we sold the marital home, 18 months ago, I bought a smaller house in a nearby but cheaper area. He moved into a rented flat in a popular, trendy area.... a one bedroom flat. Yes, he had DD’s little toddler bed at the foot of his bed for when she stayed over Could’ve got a two bed in a less nice (but still fine) area but preferred the trendy place.

He’s now moving in (by end of this month) to her three bed house, around 30 mins from me/DD’s school. So currently her two kids each have a room, so the older one has to move from larger room to box room and will have her own room then the younger one and my DD will have bunk beds in the larger room. They won’t all be there together all that much as they go to their Dad’s too, and DD here, all on different nights. I did wonder why the biological sisters wouldn’t share and my DD have the box room to herself though.

Techway interesting what you say about possibly jealousy of a “family unit” and siblings. I do sometimes feel bad that my DD doesn’t have a nuclear family, parents together, brothers and sisters. As I’ve said, I know this is silly and I’m loads happier now. My DP hasn’t moved in yet as I haven’t wanted to rush things and want to make sure my DD feels that she’s my focus and that she’s settled here after moving from our old family home. We do “family stuff” as a three though, holidays, days out etc. Maybe we will have a baby in the future. I’m 34 now though so don’t have ages and I’d want to feel fully ready.

Your comparing your insides to their outsides. You have no idea what they’re really feeling. You have no idea if she’s up late upset because of what he’s done.

The photos they post online are just moments in time and not their daily reality.

If he has really changed for the better, then tell yourself that losing someone as good as you was his wake up call.

I am not surprised at all that he has tried to move on quickly as it suits him. I imagine the novelty of looking after a house himself has worn off😀
They have moved their relationship on quickly which isn't a sign of true love. Your approach is right, the solo time you have with your daughter is building close links which shows later in life.
I was a single mum and look back at those times very fondly but at times I know they were hard. The ideal is a happy family unit but not sure many people achieve that.

I suspect your Ex won't have changed and in a few years his old behaviours will creep back in. I think 2 people can be different but given he has shown destructive behaviours in the past I am not sure this was about your and him being compatible.

I had an ex who drank so I left, his new partner seemed more tolerant so it could have worked but sadly it also broketheir relationship as well.

EL2019 Comparing your insides to their outsides... I like that phrase.