Ex told one child to hit another - advice please

[AnnaTheAnt]

I will try and keep this as factual as possible, and not to drip feed as I would appreciate some advice and perspective here.

My ex H has my three youngest children EOW and one night in the week. The eldest child is with me full time as he refuses to stay at his dad’s house - although they do see each other.

Last year, DD 1 (who was 7) came home with a handprint, welts and bruising on her bottom where her dad had smacked her. It was clear that he had completely lost control, the younger children were also terrified and were hiding under the bed while this was happening.

I contacted social services, who came and interviewed all the children. They never saw ex H, just spoke to him on the phone and apparently was very remorseful. They told him he is not allowed to smack his children then closed the file.

I was told to let the children decide if they wanted to see him from then on. They all said they wanted to as long as he did not hit anyone again. He can also be great with them, and has started making a big effort.

A policeman came as they had to pass it to them - I did not want DD to be interviewed and I hoped that would be the end of it. Ex MIL was crying to me and saying that is how her children were brought up.

Things were okay for a while. Recently DD1 said to me that he slapped her on the arm, then told her not to tell me, then “he started being really nice to me”.

Then there was an incident where she said he put a toothbrush up her nose, after she had hit DD2.

When I called him, he shouted down the phone at me (as usual) and said 1) it was to get her to open her mouth so he could brush her teeth, then 2) it was a joke.

I have written all these things down, I am currently waiting for a support worker from a women’s charity (due to psychological abuse and controlling behaviour -I think he has narcissist traits but his family and friends, and enabling girlfriend, would NEVER believe this of him). The charity are also going to provide counselling for DD1, who shows signs of anxiety and is picking at her skin. I was told to keep a journal of his behaviour.

Last night they got dropped off from his. DD1 was hysterical, saying “he told DS2 (6) to hit me”. She had a bright red handprint on her thigh, which was bruising at the edges.

Apparently there was a skirmish in the car and she pulled DS’s hair so her dad said to him “now you can hit her and she can see how it feels, go on, hit her back” - which he did, and obviously hard.

My children are not allowed to hit each other, we have time out if that happens and it doesn’t happen much these days, although more from DS2.

She said “ I don’t want to go to dad’s this week”. Previously she has said to me “you decide” if I have offered her the option of staying here if she has been upset and then said she wants to go.

The women from the domestic abuse charity recently said to me “She is in the sake position you were in when you were married to him, with the guilt and confusion”.

I know in myself that I am doing the right thing by keeping her here - and am taking the decision out of her hands actually, but now I will face a backlash from him, probably with his mother crying to me about how I must not stop him seeing the children.

Am I overreacting to this?

No you’re not over reacting. He’s an abuser. In your position I’d contact social services again and try and get access removed.

Thank you so much Tongo. I needed to hear that. It is so hard being on my own in a position where other people believe his reality. Even the social worker was pretty convinced by him I think. But I know him.

I have recently stopped reacting to his attempts to get a reaction from me - and how text messages have got stranger and stranger with his digs at me and my parenting. And he has started cancelling holiday contact at the last minute, which I have not reacted to.

I was actually worried that this would make his behaviour worse (only with DD1, who it appears is now his scapegoat) and now it has. I feel that if I argued back and acting upset, at least he would be getting that anger out somewhere. We are close to a financial agreement (divorced without one as I couldn’t face the stress) which will be a final loss of control for him.

Hi Anna,

I'm so sorry to hear this. This all must be alot to deal with as of course it's you picking up your children's pieces at the end of the day and somewhat trying to fix all of the mess he has made.

Growing up, alot of what your children are going through currently is what has happened to me with my own father and I was also given the opportunity to 'choose' whether I wanted to see this abusive man everyone called my father (not much of a choice when it's all I had ever known and didn't understand that father's shouldn't act like this) . I had some much love and care and was desperate for his attention and made the decision to keep trying with him and sometimes he was nice but a majority of the time he was not and later in life I am still dealing with the trauma and it has repeated in all of my own adult relationships again and again. Stop the cycle now before it affects your children's whole life. They may blame you now for 'not allowing' them to see dad but guess what it's better than dealing with children who self harm and are insecure.

Be prepared for all the backlash in the world and all the arguments and all the blame because that is what's going to happen and it may come from him or his mother but try your best to ignore them as you are doing what's best for your children. Any abuse whether verbal or physical is not acceptable in this day and age. His mother should not wonder why her son is the abusive person he is with his children when he was abused himself. He is a victim of abuse himself but doesn't seem like one of the smart ones who learn that it wasn't ok and not to repeat it.
when your kids are old enough to completely understand this huge burden you had to deal with they will thank you for not allowing them to get further traumatised. Keep seeking support from loved ones and whatever support your borough or city has. Perhaps think of some mild therapy for not just your children but for you also as this is happening to all of you so please do practice self care for yourself also because without you your children would have no one. Keep the conversation open with your children don't put restrictions let them express themselves and you keep teaching them about life as these things happen but you can either let it destroy you or help you become a better person.

Good luck,

Abigail

Good luck,

Abigail

Thank you for sharing that with me @abbaaaaayy. It sounds really tough and I understand why you would have ended up repeating the cycle. That is what I am so scared of for DD. If I take the decision out of her hands then I think that is the fairest thing to do.

I’m not worried for the younger ones yet, he is okay with younger children - it is when they start to challenge him he can’t cope, I think.