How useful is relate?

[CheezePlant]

Can anyone tell me their experiences of relate please?

I do have another thread going at the moment about issues with DH. We've definitely been getting more distant of late and at the moment me trying to talk to him about us is really hard work.

I'm thinking of contacting Relate to get some marriage counselling sessions to see if he'll open up more in them (if indeed he agrees to come along!).

Can anyone else tell me their experiences of Relate? What does it entail and is it worth it?

Anyone been?

Yes years ago. Tbh it was awful. Looking back I was in a controlling abusive relationship, I wanted to leave but my ex begged me to go to relate. The counsellor seemed to side with my ex on most things even though it was mostly lies and twisted up
I stayed.
We had 2 kids, ex became violent and aggressive. I finally left 8 yrs after relate. I wish I had just left before

Ah ok! Sorry to hear it wasn't a good experience for you @Marlboroandmalbec34 That sounds like a horrible situation

It was awful. It did help our relationship though because we realised we were better than the professional counsellor at talking and solving our own problems.

Oh dear! @SignedUpJust4This ok!

It really depends on the Relate counsellor tbh. I had a really rubbish one with an ex and it just escalated the speed of our split. Then my current DH and I had an awful experience with a non Relate counsellor (before I knew he was having an affair) who also made things worse. A year on and we saw a highly recommended Relate counsellor (she was v.expensive!) and she was amazing. She would see us both separately then together, getting us to then discuss points that we had covered on our own. I was able to tell her stuff I had found out and then feel safe to discuss it when the 3 of us were together. We are still married. It's not perfect but I've accepted that no relationship ever is.
So, my advice is to definitely look for a Relate counsellor that is recommended outside of the Relate website. If you happen to be in East Anglia private message me and I'll give you the details of mine! x

I think it’s worth a try. My experience wasn’t a good one - but we resolved the issue amongst ourselves anyway and years later, are very happily married.

I think it comes down the the counsellor and the reason you are seeking counselling. For us, though our marriage was happy and we weren’t considered splitting, we did it to help us both work through an impasse with MIL.

MIL had knowingly facilitated contact between a convicted paedophile in the family and our dc and lied to us about it. I insisted we go NC as she refused to say she wouldn’t do it again and wouldn’t respect the boundaries we put in place. Dh struggled a lot with this as he saw her as also abused and wanted to help her. It was a non negotiable for me. The counsellor spent the whole session trying to convince us to enter family counselling with MIL and to find a way she could still have contact with our children. I spent the whole session saying ‘what part of I’m committed to keeping my children safe from abuse do you not understand?!?’

Obviously I think their aim is to smooth things over and keep families together where possible. I found the actual issues got lost in that and the counsellor pushed her own agenda too much.

But I don’t think there’s a reason not to try. It wasn’t for us. But we did come to a decision about how to move forward on our own and are very happy now (because dh finally agreed with me!).

Thanks for your replies. Its useful insight for me

I have been to relate and a private relationship counsellor. With relate you basically get who you are given. If you don't click with the counsellor then it is a waste of time and money. Going to a private counsellor was a different ball game and made a real difference to our marriage. We chose one we both felt comfortable with and ultimately I think those sessions saved our marriage.

I did Relate with XP and it wasn't helpful. I needed to gather the courage to leave and the sessions just got in the way. I would try it again with DH but would go private I think.

I went twice; it didn’t really help but just prolonged a marriage that wasn’t worth staying in. I believe that if a relationship has got so bad that you need counselling in order to continue then it’s beyond help. It’s not cheap either, you’re better off saving the money towards the divorce!