What do you say to a parent who has always be absent?

[DewDropsonKittens]

I am potentially going to be speaking with my parent who I have not had any kind of relationship with.

Over the years we have spoken briefly, but they've never wanted me in their life.

I've been through therapy due to a horrendous upbringing, not having any family now and have contacted them to request a meet / conversation for some closure.

They're thinking about it.

What would you say, am I wasting my time?!

I'm not sure if I have a question to be answered but wanted to write something

I met my dad a few times when I was in my early thirties. He chose to dedicate his life to his “new family” when I was about seven, so similar but not identical to your situation.

My tack was not to ask him anything, but to see what he said. When he asked me what I wanted from him/to ask him, Ijust said that I wasn’t sure.

We spent some time together. The things he said amounted to this:

1. He made some nasty remarks about my mum, which I did shut down but in hindsight wish I had shut them down my forcefully.
2. A lot of, frankly self pitying, self indulgent and delusional waffle about how much he loved me, how much he’d missed, hiw he’d always tried to “watch over me from afar”how hurt he’d been that I rejected him (Umm, no, he stopped turning up to pick me up, I was seven.)
3. An unprompted apology for something incredibly hurtful he did to me. Which was a very healing experience for me.

Mostly whilst I was with him, I just desperately missed my mum. Even though she’d been abusive to me (PTSD amongst over mental health issues underlay a lot of that). At least she’d had the guts and grit to put her love for me into some kind of practical action and care for me, even if it was inadequate a lot of the time, it was something.

But all that added up to me deciding I didn’t want him in my life and I walked away.

So, if your parent agrees, I would really sit back and see what they come up with saying. I think you might feel more empowered from that.

Closure from what? Being absent was their choice and them needing to think about it, demonstrates that they aren’t ready to deliver whatever your definition of closure is.

Use it as an opportunity to get shit off your chest if you must but you need to dial back your expectations because they are unlikely to be met.

My father was absent and I can easily say I haven’t missed what I never had. I last saw him 10 years ago where he babbled on about meeting my daughter, I smiled and nodded and knew that was the last time I would see him because there was nothing he had that I wanted.

Closure is accepting the situation and that's something you give yourself.

Kittens

I would not bother with meeting such a person. Think carefully about what you would want such a meeting to achieve at all because what you want and what could well happen are two very different things.

I think you could well end up feeling more hurt and disappointed by both yourself and them. Closure in such circumstances is something you do give your own self and people like this absent parent continue not to apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. Being absent from your life was their choice and I would think this person has not fundamentally changed since your own childhood.

My father has been largely absent from my life - divorced my mum when i was a baby, I saw him a handful of times up until the age of 7 and once, briefly, on my 18th birthday. I have nothing to say to him and if he asked me to meet with him now I would decline. He is, essentially, a stranger and I can't see what he would have to offer me. If I asked to meet with him and he said he needed to think about it I'd probably rescind the invitation! I think it's better to fill your time and life with positive people / interactions, rather than try to force something that isn't there with someone who is unwilling. No matter what he might say to you now, it doesn't take back his abandonment. Sorry you're going through this OP.

I completely agree with PPs. I don’t think there is anything positive that can come from meeting this parent. Things I would carefully consider:

1. Could any answers they offer be a reasonable excuse for how absent they’ve been?

2 What role would you like them to play in your life? Do you think they would really take that role on?

1. Doesn’t the fact they are hesitant about meeting you tell you how this might all pan out?

I think the fact that theyre "thinking about it" tells you all you need to know.
I'm sorry but they're useless and almost certainly don't give a toss. Probably haven't got the guts to hear the truth from someone else.
Closure is over rated in my experience, it's never made me feel better afterwards. Better just to know what you know, acknowledge in your own mind that they're useless and have helped mess up your life and move on. I didn't work that out till my 50's though!

I would also say that not meeting that person would also be a strong option.

My dad got in touch with me when he was dying, saying he wanted to meet again. Well, actually he sent a flying monkey- his step-daughter.

I said no, and told his step-daughter that whatever rubbish he had gaslighted her mum and her/her siblings with, the reality of the breakdown of his first family was that he ran up gambling debts, was unfaithful and hit my mum when she confronted him about his infidelity. And the reason he was skint and went bankrupt when he was first with her mum, was not a greedy first wife, because he wasn’t paying any spousal or child maintenance, he was paying off gambling debts. That he just stopped turning up to collect me, not that my mum withheld me. And that my best guess was that he did that because at seven, I was probably starting to be articulate enough that I might let the cat out of the bag, either about his violence or his double life or his financial issues. Then the facade his was painting to his new wife of being a wronged man who was pained by the loss of his family would crack.