Should I cut contact?

[bubbalikescandy]

Probably going to get slated for this...
Met a man through friends last December, we dated, we didn’t take things fast but he asked me to be his gf 6 weeks in, told me he’d been unhappy for years and now he was happiest in years.
He separated from his ex gf 3 years prior (mother of his child)
All was going good- amazing connection, amazing sex.
Then after 4 months he ended things after his ex found out about us and basically went crazy. She doesn’t want him back but says he can’t be a hands on father if with me. As in can’t go round house and put son to bed, no family gatherings, nothing outside of his two nights a week he has him.
I was gutted and told him to man up but also realised his son is number one, and it is more important for him to be a father even if it’s on her terms.
Didn’t speak for 3 weeks, and cutting long story short he got in touch, I tried to not go there but the connection we have is unreal, it’s like we are drawn to each other, we are still seeing each other now. But it’s so secret although we go out to pub but he says he can’t commit- .he said tht, he doesn’t know if he’s ready?!!
Before anyone says it’s just sex it’s really not. A lot of the time it’s just company and laughs, good convo, jokes, dancing, watching old movies, kissing, cuddling, nothing else.
He smells my hair and says he misses me, he told me a couple of weeks ago “u know I love u don’t u”
But his actions don’t live up to his words.
I see him at most once a week (unplanned) he texts me maybe every other day.
I’m confused cos when I’m with him it’s like perfect and we are a couple, and a couple who are comfortable together.
I suppose I’m asking although I prob know, should I break contact?
In a lot of ways he fufils my needs (I get company when lonely/bored) can I just take it for what tht is? Least I get tht.
I’m massively in love with him, but I know I will be ok if I stop this. But I have to be certain cos I know he will try and pull me back. But if he doesn’t want a relationship, what’s the point.
We’ve had the conversation and he’s worried about ex kicking off again, and not sure he’s ready. I should walk shouldn’t I?
Also wanted to say I’m really not bothered about finding anyone, don’t need a man and quite happy to be single he just came along. That’s why I’m not sure whether to just keep it casual. I really cba with dating, online dating or even bothering anymore.

Personally I wouldn’t want to be someone’s secret girlfriend so I’d finish it. But your last sentence implies that you’re not looking for anything serious anyway, so maybe this would suit you. No need to finish it if it’s working for you.

I did this for 9 years
It’s a soul destroyer and self esteem drain

Best advice.... Delete his number and don't look back. You're better than being the fill in girl

You're kidding yourself love.

If you didn't give a shit about the emotional side then you would never have even thought about posting.

Walk away asap before you get further embroiled. you are NOT ready for a NSA relationship.

Hi op, well, possibly he panicked after his ex said he couldn't be a hands on dad with you in the picture. He may have thought her knowing would make things difficult for him.

The problem here is he gives his ex waaaaay too much say over his life.

I would walk away. It's incredibly insulting to be kept a secret. As is being told 'I love you' and later 'but I can't commit'.

Anyone can say I love you.

You are clearly questioning things. You could put your cards on the table and say you deserve and respect more and he can get in touch when he's taken back control ilof his life.

Problem with this ultimatum is you'd have to stick by it and he may be gone for good. In saying that, if he is gone for good, what have you lost? Someone that isn't prepared to publicly acknowledge you and commit, which it appears is what you want.

He needs to man up to his ex! He can be a father as well as a dad...he’s not just a dad! He’s a man he has needs and wants and that includes a relationship. I bet the ex can have a boyfriend though right?

She sounds like a right piece of work, reminds me of my partners ex. When she found out about us she threatened him and said I was NEVER to be around the kids or he would never see them again, I basically told him to man up or I’m off and he manned up. He told her where to go and she could not stop him from seeing his kids and that I would be around them whether she liked it or not.

This was his first relationship after his divorce which was 5 years ago and we’ve been together 3 years.

You do get some women like this that know the mans weakness is his kids and will threaten and what not and it is scary for the man as he might not know his rights but if your partner is a good father he has nothing to worry about and he can call her bluff...she cannot tell him how to live his life. She is now only the mother of his children.

I don’t get women like that. I don’t punish my kids from not seeing their dad because he has a girlfriend!? I wouldn’t do that to my children to deprive them. Whatever issues I have with their father is between us and maybe this ex just can’t separate the two or she doesn’t want him to move on and keep him as an option? So many reasons there could be but tell him he needs to man up if not I’m afraid you’ll be wasting you time.

Yes, walk already. Saying that his "ex went crazy" is always a HUGE red flag, never mind the other stuff.

It sounds like he used to go round regularly for bedtimes, and to all the family events? In which case maybe she thought he was trying to reconcile, and then realised he wasn't as he had a girlfriend?

She's allowed to have boundaries and tell him that if he's moved on, he's moved on.

He needs to push for joint custody if he wants more than 2 nights. Not hide his girlfriend away like a lying coward. (And if he can lie to them about this...)

Do you know 100% his ex went crazy and threatened all that? I would worry that actually its HIS choice to cool things with you and he's actually stringing you along.
Lets say its true, that throws up other issues around why he's letting his ex dictate his life to him. I would not be impressed by a man who allowed his ex to have a say in who he sees, even if she uses the kids.
The situation with is ex (if true) isn't going to change so this would be your life for the foreseeable. He needs to grow a pair.

Yeah it's true, I saw the messages she sent him at the time.
Yeh need to walk away, feel like I've become a fwb and thts not what I want with him.
I think he keeps me hanging as he doesn't want to lose me completely but also won't commit to anything.
Just tempted to see how things go and maybe one day he will.
Or stay strong and move forward from this.

Move on if he can’t put her in her place hun

It's shit but in a few months time, away from him you'll have moved on and be relieved

Thanks for replies. Yeh I will, x

Walk away. It's way too much hassle.

I'd second what yulet said..

A very close friend went through something like this and her ex was really flirty with her, constantly messing her around toying with her emotions and they did a lot together as a family.

She eventually found out he was seeing someone and said she didnt want him round her house anymore. He played the whole "taking my child away from me" card but she was well within her rights to say she didnt want to do family things anymore or have him in and out of her life and just to see the child in their set arranged times by himself. You cant have your cake and eat it too.

From your point of view OP I would leave this situation well alone, you will forever have drama with him and his ex

Yeah I know, I have to walk. I've tried. But just one "I miss you" from him and I'm back to square one. So annoyed at myself. I can't block him, I would still see him in area we live. I've just got to stick to my guns. Feel such an idiot. Who goes from gf then accepts this little.

He doesn’t sound like a bad person, just very weak. You may be waiting around until DC is old enough to decide whether or not to spend time with him, thus diluting the ex’s influence. Are you really that patient?

Seriously just block him. I know you’ll see him but avoid going to places you’ll know he’ll be.
This man will keep you in this limbo for as long as he can get away with it.