Please tell me it will be okay... telling the dc of separation.

[Needanickname1]

DH and I are splitting up. We are telling the DC tomorrow. They are going to be so shocked as we only got married recently (despite being together a very long time). Children are 10 and 7

I feel sick just thinking about the pain and confusion this is going to cause them. Please tell me it's going to be okay. I cant see it right now, I really can't. My heart is breaking.

I need a bit of a handheld, and reassurance, and positive stories of children coping and thriving. And mums not missing their dc painfully when they are at their dads. Thank you.

Well, no point in brushing it under the carpet.

I have no idea why you are splitting up but of course it’a likely to affect the children.

Assuming the kids have a good relationship with each parent, it’s probably about the worst possible thing that could happen to them at their age.

What a helpful post. Well done crestar. Ffs

I've been there recently. One DC aged 8. She accepted it really well, however will often refer to us getting back together which is to be expected. It'll take a while for them to process fully, however lots reassurement.
We are fairly amicable which I think helps her to understand her life will still be full of all the good things, just a few changes to adapt too.

We just told the children yesterday. Had the same fear and dread as you.

It was a huge shock, they didn’t see it coming.

The day itself was awful - DD (13) cried and cried. But both woke up today feeling better, and we had a better day. DS regressed a bit in the evening - he’s 11 and wanted to be carried everywhere, needed me with him as he went to sleep etc - but he has anxiety issues and we were expecting this. DD seemed more settled.

So I can’t give you tales of them thriving, but I can say that while it is awful, the first day seems the worst. Plus afterwards, even though they have been so upset, I did feel as though a burden i’d been carrying for years had lifted. You will make it through, and so will they.

Mine are similar ages OP and ex and I split last year, DCs told in January. The initial shock was awful and they were very upset. Over time they got used to it. When they go to their dads they are happy and happy when they return. Eldest seems to struggle moreso periodically.

What hasn't helped was them seeing ex upset. It definitely made them worse. I also think he has done some emotional manipulation on them. If that can be avoided then that would be good. I think he still does it despite me saying some ways he's being isn't helping.

Letting them get involved with ex moving out seemed to help. They helped him pick stuff to buy. They also helped him move and went with him for that weekend so it didn't seem like he was leaving them.

Yes, what seems to help ours is:
Reassurance that we are still good friends (not strictly true but we can keep up appearances for their sake)
Reassurance that they will have full access to both parents
Reassurance that we will still do some thing together as a family (their birthdays etc)
Having answers to some questions already e.g. what will happen at Xmas

Hang in there OP am sure it will get better for us both.

My two were 8 and 10. We told them together, with constant reassurances that it was about us not them, and that dad would always be around (which he is).

It was sad, lots of tears, then our ds said if that was it could he turn the tv back on! The first few weeks were very hard, I watched them like a hawk. We spoke about things as and when necessary but tried to keep life as normal as possible.

By being honest and putting them first I think they've weathered the storm as well as could be hoped. There's no denying it's horrible, but they're happy, confident, kind children. They've had to grow up faster than I would have liked, and seen a side of life I'd rather they hadn't so early on. But we've all survived, and have a tight knit trio.

You'll all survive too, just take each day as it comes.

Thank you for the helpful replies. It is kind of you to share your experience.

crestar talk about kicking someone whilst they are down.

I was the one that was left by ex and we told them together 5 years ago. It was bloody awful and a painful experience for all of us (inc ex of course - no-one decides to separate on a whim) but I think what helped my lot over time was listening, reassurance, checking in with them, honesty, and as-quick-as-possible return to warmth and love between the separated parents.

We are 5 years in and I still check in with them occasionally, to let them know there's still space to talk. One child still feels sad so likes the space to chat about it. The others are really happy and it's a non-conversation. I intend to keep the communication going for as long as they need.

I still miss them dreadfully when they're with their Dad so I can't help you there. It's like my life is just on hold till they're back. But I have lots of friends in my situation who love the chance to have a bit of time to themselves. I think at first there will be a hole but then you'll feel like my friends do. I have yet to get there but that's perhaps to do with my own personal make-up and less about the situation.

And by the way, I have a new partner now so I have moved on. Missing the kids is a different thing to having the enjoyment and fulfilment I have back in my personal life again.